so.

I'm really really bad at keeping this updated.
I've gotten better at my tumblr, though.
It's anonymous, so hopefully it stays that way.

http://sweetpea-weebo.tumblr.com/

I think I'm being too hard on myself..

but once again, I'm starting to wonder if I'm crazy.

I put myself under tons of stress
I repeatedly take on too much responsibility
I put myself in unstable emotional situations, fully aware of what's going on
I let things get to me
I bounce around a lot
I don't want to pay attention to anything
I want to be done with school



...

I think I just need to relax a bit. The last few days have been really fast-paced, with few breaks and even less sleep.

I was on campus yesterday for 16.5 hours
I was awake yesterday for 21.
I got four hours of sleep last night
and will be here at school until 9 tonight.

Fuckthisshit.

It's 3am and I'm feeling lonely.

I always forget how lonely the nights are at home.

My friends are all spending time together, and I'm the only one awake in my house.
It's not even 10:30.

I'm feeling a little down, but I don't want to bother anyone. It seems silly to do so.

I'm bummed because the one person I want to talk to the most, I can't. His phone is broken.

What is it with me falling for guys and then the technology in their lives falling apart? It's like the communication gods are intentionally taking a crap on me.

Something happened to Arron's phone, and he's still trying to figure it out.

I am glad to be home, but damn, I miss Merced already.

i really am no good at this.

a month has gone by, and oh how the world has changed.

Taj and I had a very long conversation on the 4th of July. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, it was him telling me that he couldn't do it, that he couldn't be in a relationship with me just then. And thinking about it, that's okay. I learned a few things about people and about myself, and had some fun while I was at it.

I haven't heard from him since, and I'm okay with that.

Since the week before my birthday, I've been spending a lot of time with Arron. A lot being quite a bit. Being seeing him almost every day.
According to him, I kissed him at either mine or Brown's birthday party, while we were dancing. I have no recollection of this, though I wish to god that I did.

July 13th, he went to karaoke at the bar with us. We had a few drinks, we sang, we danced, and just before we left, he kissed me.
We kissed each other the whole way back to the car, giggling and smiling throughout.
We went back to my house and kissed some more. He stayed the night, and when we woke up, I made breakfast, and we kissed some more.

It's been more of the same for the last three weeks.

I was afraid for a while that he didn't actually like me, or that he wouldn't let himself like me, anyway. We've had a few serious conversations (admittedly, always sparked by alcohol), and I think he finally is getting used to the idea that I'm not going to get bored or scared away.

Lauren and Garrett found two beautiful blonde golden retrievers. Arron adopted them, and they spent almost a week at my house (because it was more convenient while his roommate was out of town). They went home Monday night, and I cleaned the house yesterday to get rid of all of their fur.

Betty is fixed ($600 later) but still needs to be smog'd and registered. I'm hopefully going home this weekend, with a Victoria in tow. :)

I'm happier than I have been since I can remember. I'm spending time with people I love, working, and enjoying everything I can.

The world feels right.

transatlanticism

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.


I've had this song stuck in my head for a few days now. I'm not going to write out how "the lyrics perfectly apply to my current situation", but being the secondhand poet that I often consider myself, I'll just post the lyrics and keep the thoughts about how this song rings truer than it should right now to myself.

I'm afraid that this last week put a lot of distance between me and Taj.
We talked last night for a bit, and things seemed fine. We both had to go to bed, and he said he'd call me tonight after he gets home from the gym and I'm home from work.
(Let's see if it happens. If I held my breath for this man, I would have suffocated weeks ago.)

I guess I just have to wait until I see him next weekend.

It's fully possible that I'm being the over-emotional female that has seemed to take over CourtneyLand these last few months, but I'm not banking on that, either. Sure, I act more like a girl than usual, but that would mean that I felt more strongly about him, right? Why would it make me feel that we're starting to pull apart? Not that we were ever very close to begin with...

All I know for certain is that I like him. He makes me happy when he's here, and I miss him when he's gone. I'm silly when I'm with him. He makes me think. I'm comfortable enough to talk about the not-so-fun stuff. And yes, I happen to find him impossibly attractive.

I'm really starting to think I'm worrying over nothing. Let's see how this turns out.

this week in review:

and here are the results.

Taj's phone broke, and he couldn't access the numbers. He got a new one some time between Wednesday and Friday (I think it was closer to Friday). He messaged me his number on Saturday morning, about the same time I left for Santa Cruz.

I knew nothing of this phone business the entire time, and was very upset (through Tuesday).
General thoughts: I can't believe he missed my birthday. I'm angry/sad/hurt (depending on the time of day)

And moved from very upset to just confused (Wednesday).
General thoughts: Who does that? Just disappears for a week? Is he insane?

And moved from confused to "What did I do wrong?" (Friday night)
General thoughts: What about me made him just leave without even saying goodbye? (to be fair, this was wine and Dido-fueled thought)

To IDGAF (Saturday)
General thoughts: I'm having a fan-fucking-tastic day in Santa Cruz with my friends. Screw him. I don't need him in my life.

Then came home, found the fb message, and almost cried I was so relieved.

But, I told him once I called him (after the shower to wash the rest of the beach off of me) that I understood, and even accepted that the entire week's absence wasn't entirely his fault. But that it really sucked, made me really upset for a while, and I didn't want to be in that situation again. In other words, GET ON FACEBOOK AS SOON AS YOUR PHONE BREAKS NEXT TIME, DAMNIT! That would have saved me an entire week of useless emotion.







By the way: good company, long car rides, good food, sun, sand, salt water, small sea creatures, lavender flavored ice cream, and unexpected cellos are some of the best things on the planet.

sleepless nights lead to too much thinking.

and more than too much thinking when you're kind of drunk, and talking to a guy friend that has a pretty damned good head on his shoulders.

Yesterday was my birthday.

After a full day of work, a small night of talking with friends turned into a large kickback, which resulted in me being drunker than I intended, and awake a hell of a lot longer than I meant to be.

Meaning that I didn't get any sleep last night.

And to top that off, Taj didn't call me.

Even after the last thing he said to me Sunday was that he promised he would call me last night.


I'm still trying to figure out how to handle this. I was hoping my heart to heart with Arron would shed a little more light on the situation. A male opinion from someone I consider to be one of the best men I've ever met should give me a little more perspective, right?

No. Arron put rather simply, more than once, that a good guy would never. EVER. do something as dumb as to forget something like that.
And not that things don't happen, life doesn't get in the way. But to not even send a text or a facebook message saying I'm sorry, I couldn't call, but happy birthday sweetie?

really?






I got in the shower at about 545, and when I got out to cook me and Arron breakfast, I noticed my iPod was playing. I don't remember turning it on last night. But, it somehow was on my anti-boy playlist (chock full of Sinead and Avril and Pink) and Losing Grip was playing.

I've got breakup songs of all sorts running through my head right now.

I want to not talk to him until he talks to me first. I think the only way that I'll get away with doing this would be to delete him from my phone. Lauren has his number, if I really want it I can get it back from her. But damnit, I'm upset. I'm hurt. I feel like I don't matter at all. And none of those are okay, in any situation. But especially not on my fucking birthday.



Angry post needs to end now. I'm sure I'll be back to post the results of all of this mess later.