would you light my candle?

feeling completely drained all of the sudden, for no apparent reason.
and completely completely. physically, mentally, and emotionally.

kind of a sick to my stomach feeling.

I just want to go home.

Go back to Roseville, get a job, maybe an apartment with Vanessa....
Things would be so much simpler.
I don't want to deal with all of this :(

feeling kinda nauseous

and not because my tummy hurts, its just the only way i can think to describe how i'm feeling at the moment.

Jason wants me to meet old roommates of his. I'm extremely uncomfortable with this for some reason.

Last night, he was a little belligerent. And when I say a little I mean quite a bit. They were extremely twisted when I got there, and then when we got to Chris and Jordan's, he started following me around like a puppy on a leash. This is really starting to bother me. Why can't he just go and do his thing with his friends so I can sit and chat and dance with mine? We don't have to spend every minute together >.<

I'm kind of upset with him. He wanted to fool around last night, and he didn't really seem to understand I was NOT in the mood. I know he was pretty messed up, but I literally had to spell it out for him. And when I said I didn't want to because he wasn't sober, he made some joke about sobering up. I just rolled over and went to sleep at that point.

I'm tired of the drama between friends right now. It's dumb and not worth anyone's time, and is just hurting people over and over and over.

Tell me why when I'm in a relationship, I get hit on by five different guys within an hour, but when I'm single, no one really notices me. What the fuck is that?

Still feeling nauseous. I'm convinced its from being upset, not from any food or lack thereof. I'm going to call Tori, I need a cigarette and park afternoon.

There is a kitty outside my dorm, and she's pregnant. I want to get some cat food and start putting out a bowl for her, but I'm afraid that Richards will eat it all. Maybe I can just feed her in the morning...

enter, stage left

yeah, definitely down now.

i'm realizing this semester will also be for shit.
midterms tomorrow? going to fail them.
everyone keeps reminding me that Jason is leaving after this semester.
i'm frustrated at myself for being so attached to him already.
i don't want to be here at work and feeling all of this and just smiling along like a good customer service rep.
what i want to do is crawl into bed, just sleep until i can't sleep anymore, and say fuck it all.

tell me why....

i decided to completely tear my room apart last night
raise my bed by myself (without taking the mattress off)
stack my drawers
almost throw out my back
get hot and sweaty and sore doing it
finally clean my room (minus my desk- ran out of time)
and collapse into bed at about 130, only to wake myself up at 9?


i'm afraid that i'm heading towards a not-so-happy period :/ but here's hoping otherwise, right?

i kind of just want to curl up in a little ball and be petted and held. that sounds nice.

time to get my classes together for next semester.
i told my dad's side of the family that i was changing my major, but i still haven't told my mom. lets see how things go.

strawberry fields, nothing is real

and nothing to get hung about...strawberry fields forever
living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see
its getting hard to be someone, but it all works out
it doesn't matter much to me.

i. love. this. song.



"What's with the jokes, all the routines they play
Screw with my head, never cave til they get their way
Guys like to run, chicks like to yell you see
Guys hate to fight, girls think its therapy"

gotta love Blink.

i need to get out and do something and not sit and stew in my room.

easter weekend

kind of a fail.
we get to bruce and julie's, i get to take a shower, and things are fine and dandy
sitting on the front porch smoking with robbie (because they still don't know i smoke so i couldn't in the back yard with everyone else)
and a guy rides up on this yellow honda.
robbie and i laugh to each other, and i say "who's this douchebag?", but quietly enough only she hears me
the guy takes his helmet off, and lo and behold its mom's ex, Shawn.
I laugh at the fact that was so perfect, but then after about 2 seconds the humor wears off and I'm left to the realization that the day was going to SUCK.

i still blame him for my mom and dad splitting up- i always will.
he's an asshole.
i honestly hate him at times.
and though he was kind of a douchebag yesterday, it wasn't as bad as i've seen him.

what really hurt me was hearing my mom and my uncle talk shit about my dad.
i know they have every right to feel however they want to towards him, and even though my mom doesn't like me seeing my dad, she doesn't stop me from it.
she tries her best to never say anything negative about him, because she knows he means a lot to me.
bruce, on the other hand, almost got the shit beat out of him. he started trash talking, and wouldn't stop for about 5-10 minutes, even after i started crying. so, i left. i got mom's keys and grabbed gabbie and we went and saw my dad.

i remember growing up and easter being a dry holiday- it was for the kids, not the parents, so there was no alcohol allowed. i wish things had stayed that way, yesterday would have been a lot easier on me.

i don't really know what to think about the most of yesterday, all i know is i remember why i hated family holidays so much when i was younger.