ridin' solooooo

Yeeeeeyeeeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm ridin solo, sooloooo.

Yeah, I'm feeling good tonight, finally doing me and it feels so right, oh,
Time to do the things I like,
going to the club everything's alright, oh,

No one to answer to,
no one that's gonna argue, no,
And since I got the hold off me,
I'm living life now that I'm free, yeah,

Telling me to get my shit together
now I got my shit together, yeah,
Now I made it through the weather
better days are gonna get better

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out I'm moving on,
I'm so sorry but it's over now,
the pain is goooone,

I'm putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I'm jumpin' in my ride,
I'm heading out tonight,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky.
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.

Now I'm feeling how I should,
never knew single could feel this good, oh,
Stop playing miss understood,
back in the game, who knew I would, oh,
So flex how I spread my wings, loving myself makes me wanna sing, oh,
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Telling me to get my shit together
now I got my shit together, yeah,
Now I made it through the weather
better days are gonna get better

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out I'm moving on,
I'm so sorry but it's over now,
the pain is goooone,

I'm putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I'm jumpin' in my ride,
I'm heading out tonight,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky.
I'm solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo

yeah it's like S... O... L... O...
S... O... L... O... S... O... L... O...
Living my life and got stress no more,

I'm putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I'm jumpin' in my ride,
I'm heading out tonight,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky.
I'm solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo

I'm riding solo, sooloooo,
I'm riding solo, sooloooo.

Alrighty, so it's a cheezy overplayed song.
BUT
I am loving it right now.

:)

trying, but failing

I don't want to resent you
But I'm starting to.
Please, leave me alone and let me take care of my life for a little while. (It IS finals season, after all.)
Maybe then I won't be so angry.

a not-so-beautiful mess

I'm afraid I may be tearing my world apart unintentionally.

Is there something deep-rooted in me that just when I know things could be great, I have to go and mess them up?

Is this some kind of self preservation, or am I subconsciously really that much of a masochist?

Things went screwy with Jason over the summer, I ended it, and was extremely torn apart.
There were never any "I got over him"'s or "i'm okay"'s. I still had feelings for him, but those had been overpowered by how hurt I was.

Then James. I really did like him, but was in no place to start something with anyone. That was a mistake on my part, no matter how much he may blame himself. I wasn't looking for anything serious, and though I tried to make that point clear, I should have known he would be hurt. I know James better than that, and I should have known myself better than that. Starting something with James was NOT going to make me feel better about Jason. Seeking comfort in another individual because of a relationship gone wrong just doesn't work for me.

And now I'm back with Jason, as of the beginning of September. And things were good for a while, but as of the last two months, everything has gone wrong. I've gotten to the point where I am trying to convince myself I don't hate the man. I know that I don't, because I still have feelings for him (or I wouldn't care so much about hurting him). But I've just been so angry and upset and frustrated with him that I don't want to see him, spend time with him, or talk to him. I saw him last night for the first time in a week. AN ENTIRE WEEK. Because I was so angry with him (for whatever reason I could find) that I didn't want to be around him.

I've been told that my feelings were justified, but I'm starting to wonder. At least to an extent. I know some things that he did and said were deserving of the way I reacted, but others I'm afraid I may have been an uberbitch just because I could.

And to add to this dilemma, four different ex-things have got in contact with me this last week alone.

Austin, Sunny, Bryant, and now James are all finding their ways back into my life. Which is alright, just sort of confusing since I've been in love (or at least I thought I was) with each of them at LEAST once at some point over the last six years. How do you sort through that kind of mess while still in a relationship with a person that doesn't know anyone else ever existed? How do you talk to a boyfriend who has never dated someone before you about past relationships without making him insecure?

What do you do when you don't even want to talk to him about them, and secretly are hoping one or many of them just flat out say "I still have feelings for you, I want to work things out, I want you back"?

Not that I would know what to do if they did.

And lovely, all of this during finals.

Not to mention the never-ending daddy drama, the fact that I'm so homesick I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and it seems like my entire house is falling apart at their seams.

What happened to "This will be a good semester"?

what's with this?

it's been about a month again. lame, i need better blogging habits.

things have been all kinds of crazy. i've been pretty off the last few days. manic episodes that seem endless, scattered thoughts, it just feels like i'm falling apart at the seams.
i'm starting to wonder if i need to go in and talk to someone. i'm also wondering if it's the fact that i recently started taking birth control again, and i'm just not used to the hormones yet.
but when your head jumps from ecstatic, to depressed, to wanting chili, to really missing your boyfriend (whom you saw earlier that day), to wanting to crawl in bed and not come back out, to wanting to make cookies (and realizing you only really want the dough, and only because you think the vanilla would smell good)
IN A SPAN OF LESS THAN TWO MINUTES
something isn't right.

i'm glad things are going well with jason, i don't think i could take that added on to the pile.

i am, however, adding in ways to get me involved more at school. since i rarely go out anymore i feel like i've lost almost all human connection, so i think that would be a good way for me to get some back.

james still thinks we're dating. and it's dumb, and i'm dealing with it. but honestly, i'm tired of hearing other people's opinions about the situation. i don't need the harsh words right now.

i think things are finally calming down at home.

i haven't talked to my daddy in two weeks. i think it's for the best, but i feel crappy about it.

and suddenly i have nothing left to say.

It's been....

One week since you looked at me,
Cocked your head to the side, and said "You're Crazy"
Five days since you laughed at me
Sayin' "Get that together, come back and see me".
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you.
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days 'til I say I'm sorry".


Random lyrics, but it's been quite some time since I have updated this.
Feeling like shit, so now must be a good time to vent.

I talked to James, told him I don't think long distance is a good idea. He told me he needed time to think, and would get back to me. This was two weeks ago. I'm starting to think he won't call.

Jason and I are....weird. I still have really strong feelings for him, told him if he were in a more stable place in his life that we would probably already be back together, and now ex sex is complicating my feelings. I really do like him, and can very easily see myself falling back in love with him (like in less than a blink of an eye), but as of right now, it isn't a sure bet, and it scares me.
On top of that, why on earth are things working out the way they are? I was trying to look out for myself and made a really, really dumb decision. I mean, I know it wasn't dumb at the time, but now I feel like it was. I hurt him, and I hurt him pretty badly. Why on earth does this look like it's going to work out? The universe doesn't give second chances like this. I was telling Jason that I was feeling this way, and I kind of just broke down and cried. And cried. And cried. Then passed out with him curled up next to me on my bed.

I am foreseeing some major roommate drama tonight. We're having a sit down meeting and going over some house rules. I get the feeling that my ideas of what needs to be done are completely opposite of everyone else, and this is just going to get messy.

I ditched class today to hang out with Pete all afternoon. I met his new roommate, he's extremely nice, and has the same sense of humor as all of my guys. I can see us getting along really well.
Pete and I talked a lot this afternoon. Well, Pete did most of the talking, but that was okay. It was what I needed. I needed distraction by good friends, and I got just that.
Thank you boys.

I have felt like shit all day, really. Whenever I'm not busy with other people, I just sink. I guess it's because I don't like being bummed out around other people. I don't want them to know I'm upset because I feel it will upset them as well.
I want to crawl into bed and watch Eternal Sunshine and cry and sleep and wake up feeling better. But even if I did those things, I get the feeling I will wake up with the same weight.

Oh well. At work, time to be chipper and happy for the patrons and co-workers.

life is lifey.

everything changes in half an hour?

My lease was emailed to me. The security deposit was lowered. My grandma just handed me a check for $400. My dad just told me if he files the right paperwork, I won't have to pay tuition anymore.

I can't stop crying.

So much for happy

I was feeling on top of the world all this week until yesterday.

Things were better with Jason, I had a plan for everything, and the house was falling into place.

Now they tell me the deposit is due on Tuesday.

My financial aid doesn't come out until the 14th.

I don't know what to do.

That's $400 that none of my semi-close family has.

I want to say that's why I felt like shit last night, but honestly I don't think so. I mean I know the stress is coming from that, but not the sad.

Where? Why? I was doing fine, and all of the sudden whabam. Courtney wants to crawl in a hole and never again see the light of day.

I'm tired of the mood swings. And the feeling like shit physically. I'm just tired.