Yes Man Challenge updates

Things I've done this year I wouldn't have done before.

1/7/11- asked Zach Dear on a date.
1/11/11- bought Princess Peach and her finish line case.
-- Also tried a grilled cheese with tomato sandwich. Disgusting, just like I thought it would be.
1/21/11- went on a date with Bryant, even though I know he is leaving. Was told to live in the present, and deal with later when it comes up. This is going to suck.
1/28/11- One night stand with Taj. Possibility of future occurrences. Amazing.
2/19/11- turned down car sex. Regretting it.
4/3/11- turned in application for FSC. Vice President Women's Recruitment. I must have a death wish or something.

I will continue to update as needed.

what is this feeling?

Leaving Vanessa's house today, it felt as if I was saying goodbye to her and Kevin for the last time. Not really sure where that feeling came from, it's really confusing. I'm not sure what brought it on, but I just felt empty and sad.

I had a nice evening, but I'm still trying to recover from it.

I need internet so I can get my calendar together :/

I need more water.

feeling miserable.

What did I do?
I was honest, direct, and told you how I felt.
I was sorry for hurting you and wished you the best.
And goodness only knows what was said on your end, but if your intention was to make me so upset I can't think of anything else, congrats, you hit your mark.
It apparently was a dumb thing to hope for, but I thought we would be polite and courteous and maybe even friendly.
Now I'm starting to question so much.
Did your friends always think I was "fake, selfish, and devious"?
What exactly have you been telling people about me?
If you've been saying such awful things, did you ever really love me?
I had such an amazing night. Inexplicably. I felt pretty, spent time with friends, met a cute boy, danced for ages, and was planning on talking with friends all night, but now I can't stop being miserable long enough to be anything but a downer.
Thank you.

1/1/11

I resolve to be honest with myself.
I need to live for me, not for anyone else.
Time to do me for the first time in a very long time.

ridin' solooooo

Yeeeeeyeeeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm ridin solo, sooloooo.

Yeah, I'm feeling good tonight, finally doing me and it feels so right, oh,
Time to do the things I like,
going to the club everything's alright, oh,

No one to answer to,
no one that's gonna argue, no,
And since I got the hold off me,
I'm living life now that I'm free, yeah,

Telling me to get my shit together
now I got my shit together, yeah,
Now I made it through the weather
better days are gonna get better

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out I'm moving on,
I'm so sorry but it's over now,
the pain is goooone,

I'm putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I'm jumpin' in my ride,
I'm heading out tonight,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky.
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.

Now I'm feeling how I should,
never knew single could feel this good, oh,
Stop playing miss understood,
back in the game, who knew I would, oh,
So flex how I spread my wings, loving myself makes me wanna sing, oh,
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Telling me to get my shit together
now I got my shit together, yeah,
Now I made it through the weather
better days are gonna get better

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out I'm moving on,
I'm so sorry but it's over now,
the pain is goooone,

I'm putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I'm jumpin' in my ride,
I'm heading out tonight,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky.
I'm solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo

yeah it's like S... O... L... O...
S... O... L... O... S... O... L... O...
Living my life and got stress no more,

I'm putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I'm jumpin' in my ride,
I'm heading out tonight,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky.
I'm solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo

I'm riding solo, sooloooo,
I'm riding solo, sooloooo.

Alrighty, so it's a cheezy overplayed song.
BUT
I am loving it right now.

:)

trying, but failing

I don't want to resent you
But I'm starting to.
Please, leave me alone and let me take care of my life for a little while. (It IS finals season, after all.)
Maybe then I won't be so angry.

a not-so-beautiful mess

I'm afraid I may be tearing my world apart unintentionally.

Is there something deep-rooted in me that just when I know things could be great, I have to go and mess them up?

Is this some kind of self preservation, or am I subconsciously really that much of a masochist?

Things went screwy with Jason over the summer, I ended it, and was extremely torn apart.
There were never any "I got over him"'s or "i'm okay"'s. I still had feelings for him, but those had been overpowered by how hurt I was.

Then James. I really did like him, but was in no place to start something with anyone. That was a mistake on my part, no matter how much he may blame himself. I wasn't looking for anything serious, and though I tried to make that point clear, I should have known he would be hurt. I know James better than that, and I should have known myself better than that. Starting something with James was NOT going to make me feel better about Jason. Seeking comfort in another individual because of a relationship gone wrong just doesn't work for me.

And now I'm back with Jason, as of the beginning of September. And things were good for a while, but as of the last two months, everything has gone wrong. I've gotten to the point where I am trying to convince myself I don't hate the man. I know that I don't, because I still have feelings for him (or I wouldn't care so much about hurting him). But I've just been so angry and upset and frustrated with him that I don't want to see him, spend time with him, or talk to him. I saw him last night for the first time in a week. AN ENTIRE WEEK. Because I was so angry with him (for whatever reason I could find) that I didn't want to be around him.

I've been told that my feelings were justified, but I'm starting to wonder. At least to an extent. I know some things that he did and said were deserving of the way I reacted, but others I'm afraid I may have been an uberbitch just because I could.

And to add to this dilemma, four different ex-things have got in contact with me this last week alone.

Austin, Sunny, Bryant, and now James are all finding their ways back into my life. Which is alright, just sort of confusing since I've been in love (or at least I thought I was) with each of them at LEAST once at some point over the last six years. How do you sort through that kind of mess while still in a relationship with a person that doesn't know anyone else ever existed? How do you talk to a boyfriend who has never dated someone before you about past relationships without making him insecure?

What do you do when you don't even want to talk to him about them, and secretly are hoping one or many of them just flat out say "I still have feelings for you, I want to work things out, I want you back"?

Not that I would know what to do if they did.

And lovely, all of this during finals.

Not to mention the never-ending daddy drama, the fact that I'm so homesick I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and it seems like my entire house is falling apart at their seams.

What happened to "This will be a good semester"?