Happy Father's Day

I called my dad this morning.
We didn't talk for long, I think he could tell that I was still upset and was uncomfortable staying on the phone for any amount of time.
I also think that this really upset him. I could hear it in his voice as we were saying our goodbyes.

I'm sitting here at work and trying not to cry. I'm just so tired of having to deal with his shit. I'm tired of having to deal with the addict. I just want my daddy back.

After I got off the phone with him, I went back inside. Taj asked me if I got a hold of him, and if I was okay. I told him yes, then he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. It was very sweet, and made me tear up a little (so I ran off and finished the muffins that were in the oven before he could notice.)

He went home after taking me to work. I'll see him Thursday or Friday, not sure exactly. But I'm hoping things continue on the way they are, I really like him. Last night was just so perfect it's ridiculous. We were lying in bed being silly and making dumb jokes, and couldn't stop kissing each other. Then we went out, got a little drunkie, came home and fell into bed together. I'm just sad that he couldn't stay longer. But I'll see him soon :)

I turn 21 tomorrow. Strangely, it still doesn't feel like my birthday. I'm not excited like I was when I was a kid, where birthdays were such a huge thing in my life. Growing a year older was one of the most fantastic things on the planet. I'm not excited for this one. I'm not giddy at the thought of being a little older. To be honest, I'm not even really excited about being old enough to drink (legally).

Will it feel like this from now on? Have all birthdays lost that magic? I really hope not.

Two nights in a row now I've gone out drinking. Tonight (if Tara Cassie Arron and I end up going out) will make three, and my birthday tomorrow will make four. Trivia Tuesday will make 5. That's the most going out I've done in years. Let's see if I make it out alive.

I want to do something this next weekend. No clue what, just that I don't want to stay home. And I don't think I want to spend it with a large group of people. I'd like to do something just me and Taj, at least for a little bit of the time he's in town. Tori Joe Steve and Josh are going to Santa Cruz on Saturday, that might be fun. I think Taj has to work that morning, which means when he goes home I can go with them to the beach. I'll talk to him and work it out.

I think that's about it.

I'm tired.

I'm so frustrated I just want to lay in bed and cry.
I like him. He says he has feelings for me. Why doesn't he call me back? Or try to get a hold of me? Even a text saying "hey, I can't talk right now, but I'm thinking about you. I'll call when I can" would be wonderful.

Why?

Is it something I'm doing?

Do I have this big stamp on my forehead saying "here when you need/want me, feel free to ignore me the rest of the time"

I just want to go to bed.

damm him.

He was sick. Bronchitis, and a fever. Had to go to the hospital, is taking more medicine, and getting all the nasty side affects.

I can't be mad. That's a perfectly valid reason right there to not get a hold of me.

And, on top of that, his phone is all ten kinds of messed up at the moment.

Damn him.


















But in all reality, I'm glad :)

hot and cold

I wish I could just know what was going through his head.

He told me to let him know whether or not he should come visit this weekend. I try to get a hold of him to tell him yes, I'd love to have him come stay (even if it couldn't be for very long) and for two and a half days have not heard from him.

I feel like just giving up.

On top of that, next Sunday is Father's day. I don't know how that's going to go.
Father's Day has always been a day of recognizing and appreciating for me. A day to flat out say I love you and everything you've done for me. I wouldn't be who or where I am without you.

I can't say all of those things.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad to death, but I am just so tired of dealing with his shit that I can't help but get the feeling (and hate myself for it) that I may be better off without him in my life until he gets his shit together.

So this is it. I'm feeling like crap, don't want to do anything, can't make myself stick to either sewing or reading, no motivation to clean, want to sleep for ten years.

Damn it all. I'm taking a nap.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.

What is this madness?? The weather needs to decide what it's doing. I've got a summer cold thanks to the constant change in temperature. 100% positive it isn't strep, which is good because I hate going to the doctors.

I talked to Taj last night. He said that he had been lonely all day because he missed me, and that he was upset with himself because I wasn't happy with the amount that we were talking. In 10 minutes of phone call, all my worries about us were taken away. I do actually like him. He does actually like me. I'm not lying to myself in some elaborate scheme.

I really need to check myself on things like that. I guess it's just really hard to not be negative about yourself and situations when you aren't in the best of moods.

I'm at work again. I close tonight, and work 8am tomorrow. This will be fun.

I really need to clean my room. The clutter is starting to drive me mad, even though I'm not home often. I know it's all sitting there, waiting for me, which is silly but true.

I also need to make time for working out. I was doing well last week, but these last few days I've fallen back to old habits.

Aaaand I think that's it.

thunder rolls

It's storming here in Merced.

The weather seems to match everyone's mood.

Everyone's got different shit they have to deal with, but it seems that we're generally all feeling the same way. Which sucks, because no one is here to pull us out of our collective misery. But at least everyone's being a little more sensitive, since they're not doing their best either.

I shouldn't be feeling down. I should be feeling fantastic. I've got free time, good friends close by, and an entire summer ahead of me. Instead, I'm still making myself crazy over this boyfriend of mine. I think what's really bothering me is that I am admitting to myself that he wants different things from the relationship than me. I want something serious, someone who wants to be a part of my life. Not someone who flits in and out at their convenience. (not that there's anything wrong with that. that's how things were before, and it was okay then. but now I need something else.) The only issue is, he's made it more than clear to me that he doesn't want anything crazy serious right now. Which is fine and dandy, but when he uses that as reasoning for only talking to me once a week, it's a little disheartening. I don't know what's going on in his world, but shit, it's sure throwing rainclouds into mine that just won't go away.

In attempts to keep with my new years resolution, I'm going to be honest. Part of me wonders if it isn't the fact that I really like Taj, but that I really like the idea that he wants the same things I do, that is making me so crazy over not hearing from him. That I don't like him as much as I think I do, but that I am in love with the idea of someone liking me, or being in love with with me, and I'm trying to make him play the part. This really scares me. If I can trick myself into believing this, what else am I lying to myself about?

What really has me thinking this might be the case is that I know Taj wants totally different things in life. He wants a small house in a big city with a fast car and no strings attached. Doesn't want to get married until late 20s, kids in mid 30s, blahblahblah. He likes different things than me. His friend group consists of the kids that I didn't get along with very well in high school. He does things I don't approve of, even though he knows I'm not okay with them. Half of what he considers to be a good time shocks the hell out of me. And though I've noticed all of these things (obviously) they haven't really bothered me all that much. So either I've decided that what I want in life doesn't matter in relation to who I'm dating at the moment, or I'm a big fat fibber.

I'm going to go over to Pete's tonight, and probably get drunk. We're going to talk about relationship bullshit, he'll go on about Eleni, I'll vent about Taj, and maybe tomorrow we'll both feel a little better.

Or we'll feel the same. Who knows, these things are hard to predict.

please please please

let it be a week from now :(

I just want to go home.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I miss my friends.

I have a 10 page paper to write, ~3 pages about my group members for some dumb fake business proposal, a web portfolio to finish, two journal articles to edit, and a final to take. But after that, and work on Thursday and Friday, I'm done.

I went with Megan and Lauren to Modesto today so that Megan could try on wedding dresses. She looked gorgeous.
That along with Steffers being married with little CJ on the way, I'm pretty down right now. I feel like those are things that I want, and not having them is starting to get to me. I know that getting married and having a kid right now would make my life a lot harder, but shit. I can't make myself not want it, even if I know it isn't what's best.

I really like Taj. Like really like him. That scares the hell out of me, seeing as we have only been dating for two weeks, and don't know each other very well. I like the way I feel around him - he makes me realize that I need to not worry about things. I don't even notice that I'm doing it. But he'll call me out on it, and then I see that I need to let go, and do. It feels amazing. Only problem is we're never really going to see each other. He has 5+ years left of school, I have 3 myself. We are both working two jobs over the summer. Neither of us will have a whole lot of free time - and the only day I'll have off, he'll have to work. This will be an interesting few months. Along with this, I don't get to talk to him as often as I would like. I hope that it's just the end of the semester being crazy.

I'm worried about what to do with my life. Teaching is looking like it's the most likely of the lot right about now, but I don't know what to do to get there. I'm applying to Teach for America, but I get the feeling I won't get it. Which means either getting my teaching credentials, working, and then getting my Masters, or getting my Masters, then going to work. I don't know which to do, I have to go talk to career services.

I also don't know where I will go to do said schooling. I want to live in Louisiana for a while, but goodness knows if that will work. I would also like Oregon and Washington, and staying in California wouldn't be the end of the world.

Well, brain dump complete. Hopefully I can shove this all aside and finish my semester now.