i guess this is growing up.

i feel hurt.
i feel kicked around a bit.
i feel betrayed.
i feel unloved.

now its time for me to stand up, brush all that off, and be there if she needs me to be.

what the heck?

feeling kinda down atm
not sure why, i don't really have a reason to.
i blame it on hormones, thats what it usually is when i'm upset for no definite reason.

jason is being silly and not catching on that i WILL NOT talk about my little and her personal life with him, it isn't his place to stick his nose. don't mean to sound frustrated, i'm just extremely protective of her.

he gives in far too easily. i love to argue. but only when someone will argue right back, not say oh okay you're right. WOMEN ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. its EXTREMELY frustrating when a guy follows that. CHALLENGE ME. have an opinion. speak up. TELL ME YOU THINK I'M WRONG. just don't always assume that you're right.

i feel like watching eternal sunshine :/

i need to go back to merced.

i need sand and sunshine, i think. lake day coming up soon.

i miss my mommy. i was practically crying when i was on the phone with her.

i hate being a girl.

i've just seen a face...

i can't forget the time
or place where we just met
she's just the girl for me
and i want all the world to
see we've met...mmmm mmmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

I feel like I need to paint.
What, I don't know.
I might ask my mom to bring me acrylics and a canvas when she comes
She's already bringing my cello :)
Maybe I just need more ways of expressing myself. Who knows.

I miss her. Something terrible.
We need to sit down and have coffee and talk Sunday morning.
I need to tell her about Jason, and that I am dropping math, and I think I'll wait until this summer to tell her about my major change.

I'm feeling kind of down right now for some reason :/

I need a hug.

dramadramadrama

just talked with Jason for over an hour
about all of the shit that's going on in our circle of friends.
he's been hearing other peoples' sides to things, and in the spirit of fairness, I told him mine.
ALL of mine.
Including the conversation that Claudia had with me about "someone" telling her that I was planning on leaving him for Brad.

I hope that doesn't make him insecure :/
I stressed many many times how it wasn't true and it upset me that people were saying that, and that I was afraid of him getting his feelings hurt over it.

I know its unfair to assume that it was Angela, but honestly, I can't help but jump to that conclusion.

And I can't even begin to describe how much my feelings are hurt that Claudia would believe Angela over me...I've been there with and for her, as she has with and for me. In just over a year and a half, we've been through many trying situations, and things always work out in the end for us. I hope things are the same this time :/
I can honestly say that I have more respect for her than any other Kappa does, so it really stings that she would believe someone she practically just met over me, but like I said, things will be worked out.

Thank you Jason for listening to my bad dream, and I'm sorry we got into the conversation we did tonight about all of this, but thank you for making me feel better about it all :)

Downey, CA

currently watching that 70's show with lbinac
was playing starcraft, enough of that for now
50 boxes of cookies for 50 crates of milk?
hahahaha
huuuuunnnngggwwwwyyyyyy

To quote Kelso:
"It's thanksgiving- some people bake pies, we bake ourselves."

today was Bosta Chica beach. it was a little overcast and chilly, but we stayed out there for a few hours anyways.

Last night we went on a walk around the neighborhood, it was really nice :)

I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to Amoxicillin. My spots are fading, though.

I have the best boyfriend ever, even if sometimes he's a little too mushy gushy.

I want FOOOOOOOOOOOD.


And forget the people on that 70's show, I <3 STYX.

I think its a little strange how most of my blogs are random thoughts like this. I understand that this is here for me to write whatever I'm feeling, but its a little frustrating that sometimes my thoughts are so unorganized and vapid.

Oh well. time to make dinner with laurensarous!

tomorrow

suuuuper excited
cooking a traditional irish dinner for the boys
guiness beef, colcannon, and soda bread
sounds yummy!!!!
it'll be a late dinner, but late is better than never :D

boy issues over- I knew I'd be okay, it just took some time.
Couldn't be happier :)

Careless

"You're weak and you're gullible, and I don't care
You're a walking disaster, and I don't care
You cry yourself to sleep, and I don't care
You're wasting our time, and I don't care"

Is it possible to feel this way about myself?

If not the words, the feeling behind the song seems about right.

Overall, I had a nice time last night. Movies and ridiculous conversation with friends into the wee small hours of the morning is always guaranteed to be a good time, even it if means I'm only getting three hours of sleep before a 14 hour day. Besides, Jason really liked the kandi I made him, even if I did kind of goof it up a little.

Not going to lie, watching Angela shamelessly flirt with Brad was kinda not so much fun. But when we got back to campus she was acting awkward, like she was afraid I was going to do or say something.

As I've told Lauren, he ISN'T off-limits. I have no claim over the man, and he can do whatever with whomever he wants to.

I really do like Jason. He's a sweetheart. But part of me is wondering if that's what I want right now :( To counter that, a really large part of me is afraid that if things don't work out between me and him, I'll lose a lot of the good friends I've made. I don't want that to happen :( I've finally found a space where I'm happy and I can be me, I don't want that taken away from me so quickly.

What have I gotten myself into?