what's with this?

it's been about a month again. lame, i need better blogging habits.

things have been all kinds of crazy. i've been pretty off the last few days. manic episodes that seem endless, scattered thoughts, it just feels like i'm falling apart at the seams.
i'm starting to wonder if i need to go in and talk to someone. i'm also wondering if it's the fact that i recently started taking birth control again, and i'm just not used to the hormones yet.
but when your head jumps from ecstatic, to depressed, to wanting chili, to really missing your boyfriend (whom you saw earlier that day), to wanting to crawl in bed and not come back out, to wanting to make cookies (and realizing you only really want the dough, and only because you think the vanilla would smell good)
IN A SPAN OF LESS THAN TWO MINUTES
something isn't right.

i'm glad things are going well with jason, i don't think i could take that added on to the pile.

i am, however, adding in ways to get me involved more at school. since i rarely go out anymore i feel like i've lost almost all human connection, so i think that would be a good way for me to get some back.

james still thinks we're dating. and it's dumb, and i'm dealing with it. but honestly, i'm tired of hearing other people's opinions about the situation. i don't need the harsh words right now.

i think things are finally calming down at home.

i haven't talked to my daddy in two weeks. i think it's for the best, but i feel crappy about it.

and suddenly i have nothing left to say.

It's been....

One week since you looked at me,
Cocked your head to the side, and said "You're Crazy"
Five days since you laughed at me
Sayin' "Get that together, come back and see me".
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you.
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days 'til I say I'm sorry".


Random lyrics, but it's been quite some time since I have updated this.
Feeling like shit, so now must be a good time to vent.

I talked to James, told him I don't think long distance is a good idea. He told me he needed time to think, and would get back to me. This was two weeks ago. I'm starting to think he won't call.

Jason and I are....weird. I still have really strong feelings for him, told him if he were in a more stable place in his life that we would probably already be back together, and now ex sex is complicating my feelings. I really do like him, and can very easily see myself falling back in love with him (like in less than a blink of an eye), but as of right now, it isn't a sure bet, and it scares me.
On top of that, why on earth are things working out the way they are? I was trying to look out for myself and made a really, really dumb decision. I mean, I know it wasn't dumb at the time, but now I feel like it was. I hurt him, and I hurt him pretty badly. Why on earth does this look like it's going to work out? The universe doesn't give second chances like this. I was telling Jason that I was feeling this way, and I kind of just broke down and cried. And cried. And cried. Then passed out with him curled up next to me on my bed.

I am foreseeing some major roommate drama tonight. We're having a sit down meeting and going over some house rules. I get the feeling that my ideas of what needs to be done are completely opposite of everyone else, and this is just going to get messy.

I ditched class today to hang out with Pete all afternoon. I met his new roommate, he's extremely nice, and has the same sense of humor as all of my guys. I can see us getting along really well.
Pete and I talked a lot this afternoon. Well, Pete did most of the talking, but that was okay. It was what I needed. I needed distraction by good friends, and I got just that.
Thank you boys.

I have felt like shit all day, really. Whenever I'm not busy with other people, I just sink. I guess it's because I don't like being bummed out around other people. I don't want them to know I'm upset because I feel it will upset them as well.
I want to crawl into bed and watch Eternal Sunshine and cry and sleep and wake up feeling better. But even if I did those things, I get the feeling I will wake up with the same weight.

Oh well. At work, time to be chipper and happy for the patrons and co-workers.

life is lifey.

everything changes in half an hour?

My lease was emailed to me. The security deposit was lowered. My grandma just handed me a check for $400. My dad just told me if he files the right paperwork, I won't have to pay tuition anymore.

I can't stop crying.

So much for happy

I was feeling on top of the world all this week until yesterday.

Things were better with Jason, I had a plan for everything, and the house was falling into place.

Now they tell me the deposit is due on Tuesday.

My financial aid doesn't come out until the 14th.

I don't know what to do.

That's $400 that none of my semi-close family has.

I want to say that's why I felt like shit last night, but honestly I don't think so. I mean I know the stress is coming from that, but not the sad.

Where? Why? I was doing fine, and all of the sudden whabam. Courtney wants to crawl in a hole and never again see the light of day.

I'm tired of the mood swings. And the feeling like shit physically. I'm just tired.

crazy AND confused.

i talked to jason for hours the other day. Too much to write down. But it was good I think.

He just asked me if i wanted to talk in person and catch up on monday since I'll be in town.

I am concerned. What am I going to talk to him about? I'm glad he suggested it, I think it's a good idea. But what does he have in mind?

Butler kept suggesting I date Ethan, since we're such good friends and "he gets me" according to her. I explained I'd rather keep him as a friend.

What do I do about James? I tried to tell him I wasn't looking for anything serious, he didn't seem to catch on to that.

These men will be the death of me.

Sitting on the train

A lot had happened this week.
Many family things, Ash finally turned 18, James and I talked.

About that. Immediately following me saying I wasn't looking for anything serious, the boy tells me he wants to try for something long term long distance, because he thinks we can do it. He's more of a hopeless romantic than emotional Courtney, who rarely sees the light of day because she's always getting herself into trouble.

Speaking of emotional Courtney, she's still pretty much in love with Jason. Good thing logical Courtney knows better and keeps her locked up like the looney she is.

I'm not talking to my father until he cleans up his act. I'm tired of being the more responsible one out of the two of us.

I'm siting on the train right now, on my way to Merced to meet about housing. We still need a fourth for the year. Please let us find one.

I'm staying with Pete tonight. I miss him and the boys very much.

I'm also spending the next two weeks in Fresno, ending with a trip to Six Flags. I miss my family, and need the break.

Now arriving in Stockton. Out of things to say, and another hour to go.

sniiiiitch

told my mom that gabbie and sierra have been getting stoned and smoking cigarettes all day.
I'm tired of covering for their asses and being treated like hell.

Also told mom that I occasionally smoke. So that weight is off my shoulders finally.

I don't really know what to do with James. He posted on his fb that he was in a relationship, but he didn't request that I do the same. So I'm thinking if he wants to change his that's fine, but I don't need to do anything to mine (i have nothing showing.)
I still haven't talked to him. I need to do it, but I don't know how to bring it up.

I was so angry yesterday that I thought I was going to snap and just start hitting Gabbie and not be able to stop. I'm really glad I didn't. I hate being angry, it scares me.