please please please

let it be a week from now :(

I just want to go home.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I miss my friends.

I have a 10 page paper to write, ~3 pages about my group members for some dumb fake business proposal, a web portfolio to finish, two journal articles to edit, and a final to take. But after that, and work on Thursday and Friday, I'm done.

I went with Megan and Lauren to Modesto today so that Megan could try on wedding dresses. She looked gorgeous.
That along with Steffers being married with little CJ on the way, I'm pretty down right now. I feel like those are things that I want, and not having them is starting to get to me. I know that getting married and having a kid right now would make my life a lot harder, but shit. I can't make myself not want it, even if I know it isn't what's best.

I really like Taj. Like really like him. That scares the hell out of me, seeing as we have only been dating for two weeks, and don't know each other very well. I like the way I feel around him - he makes me realize that I need to not worry about things. I don't even notice that I'm doing it. But he'll call me out on it, and then I see that I need to let go, and do. It feels amazing. Only problem is we're never really going to see each other. He has 5+ years left of school, I have 3 myself. We are both working two jobs over the summer. Neither of us will have a whole lot of free time - and the only day I'll have off, he'll have to work. This will be an interesting few months. Along with this, I don't get to talk to him as often as I would like. I hope that it's just the end of the semester being crazy.

I'm worried about what to do with my life. Teaching is looking like it's the most likely of the lot right about now, but I don't know what to do to get there. I'm applying to Teach for America, but I get the feeling I won't get it. Which means either getting my teaching credentials, working, and then getting my Masters, or getting my Masters, then going to work. I don't know which to do, I have to go talk to career services.

I also don't know where I will go to do said schooling. I want to live in Louisiana for a while, but goodness knows if that will work. I would also like Oregon and Washington, and staying in California wouldn't be the end of the world.

Well, brain dump complete. Hopefully I can shove this all aside and finish my semester now.

Zzyzx Road

I don't know how else to put this.
It's taking me so long to do this.
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight.

My muscles feel like a melee,
My body's curled in a U-shape.
I put on my best, but I'm still afraid.

Propped up by lies and promises.
Saving my place as life forgets.
Maybe it's time I saw the world.

I'm only here for a while.
And patience is not my style,
And I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through?

Tell me I should stick around for you.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.

I get to go home in one week.
But I'm leaving home in three weeks.
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry.

I'm following suit and directions.
I crawl up inside for protection.
I'm told what to do and I don't know why.

I'm over-existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family.
I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
You still don't think I'm gonna see this through.

Tell me I'm a part of history.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.



Well fuck. Why am I just now hearing this song?
I don't think I've ever had a song so clearly express what I was feeling. Ever.
I was in a sort of shock the first time I heard this, and now I'm sitting here on my living room couch with it on repeat and trying to not cry.

"I'm ready to live with my family.
I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired that I got to go."

Fuck a duck. I need to go have a life crisis on the swings, but don't have anyone to go with.

I need to go down to the desert this summer. I think I'll take a week right before school starts, and go visit my family in 29 Palms. And have someone drive me out to Zzyzx Road. I heard about it ages ago, and almost forgot about it.

another good one

"Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two."
-Louis de Bernieres

What a strange time for Jason to be IM'ing me.

I have the strongest desire to make out with someone.

No one in particular, though Taj would be nice.

Requirement: someone who is a good kisser.

This is why I love Stephen King.

I know I've posted it before (at least other places), but I don't care.

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear." -Stephen King

love

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss your or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
-Neil Gaiman

I should be studying...

I have two midterms this week. One Thursday, one Friday. I am six chapters behind in both of the classes I have tests in (and 6 in another). I have two research papers I have to complete this year, as well as a huge group project. I have four portfolios to turn in for writing.

And right now I just want to cry and crawl into bed.

I know I'm hormonal right now. I know that's why I'm feeling the way I do. But at the same time, knowing that doesn't make it any better.

I feel like giving up. Teach for America is seeming more and more possible, and I have so many great opportunities presenting themselves to me...but at the same time, it seems like all of these in addition to school is just too much for me.

I want to go home. To run away from everything for a while. I need a cuddle buddy, badly. Someone to come home to, just curl up next to on the couch or in bed, and we wouldn't need to talk. Just laying there with my head on their chest, and I would feel better. I haven't had that in a very long time and I miss it.

I was sitting here thinking about who I could talk to about how I feel, and literally couldn't think of a single person.
I mean obviously I've got extremely close friends, but sometimes I feel like we've all got our own shit to deal with, so we don't press ours off on to each other. Plus most of my problems are the same mopey ones I always have, and I don't want my friends to get tired of listening to me bitch about the same old things all the time.

Definitely another night where thinking about being bad is very very very tempting.

Maybe I just need to sleep it off. Here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day.