this last weekend

was great!

got to see my daddy, he's doing SO much better. seems happier, looks healthier, and is finally working on getting the psychiatric help he's needed and talked about for years now.
AND he's going to go back to school.

i've never been more proud of him.

went to the underground gardens with grandma grampa and shana, had a fantastic time. one of the coolest places i've ever been.

still mad at bryant :/ he hasn't really talked to me for the past week.

OH. he got me to drunkenly admit i kinda liked him not this last weekend but the one before.

and he said later that him now knowing that wouldn't change things.

LMAO i knew that was a lie from the start.

whatever.

fuckit, i don't have time for that, right? why deal with someone who isn't going to treat me right?

anyways, work, then a movie, and bed. and class at 8am.

readysetgo!

domo arigato, mister roboto.

it feels like its time to just go on autopilot and let things come and go as they will. i'm feeling like i have no control over anything in my life right now, and the safest and smartest thing would be to go into robot status for a few weeks until things calm the fuck down. but i hate feeling so disconnected from everything :(

it's late, and i have class in less than seven hours. i should go to sleep.

fuck it.

if i can't have a quiet night in with the one that i want...

i'm going to have a crazy night out with a bunch of friends.

maybe i'll meet someone new.

this site is dumb.

it should automatically tell me when i get a comment, not me have to change it to tell me.

anyways.

wanted to go to margaritaville tonight, heard there would be almost as many people as stoplight though, so i'm deciding not to go.

i'd go watch a movie with bryant, but the asshole won't answer my messages. that's really starting to bother me. i'm here whenever he wants me to be, but whenever i want to do something, i can't get ahold of him. that's not good.

i want to go out and have a good time and a few drinks and find someone to talk to for the night. that's all i want. but idk.

in bed all day

its definitely a stay in bed all day kind of day.
but i have class at noon.
and at 2:30.
and then work from 7-12.

i want to just crawl into bed, watch eternal sunshine, and sleep until i feel better or the world stops sucking so hard.

to be honest, i want to be curled up on a couch next to him, just watching a movie and enjoying each other's company.

fuck. i shouldn't be thinking like that.

teenage angst bullshit

i feel super super silly for saying this, i hate relating my life to a movie, but i can't help but feel that its the best way to describe how i am feeling at this point in time.

this is the movie i watch whenever i'm feeling down and can't find a way to feel better. not that it makes me feel better, its actually a pretty sad movie.

"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"- Joel, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

and though the feeling goes more towards men than women, i feel myself falling for anyone that shows me any significant amount of attention, even though i know that this is not the best idea.

why am i stuck in this place? i haven't really been involved with anyone in just over two years. isn't college the time to date? to find out what you like and what you don't like in a person? to meet that one somebody you'll want to spend the rest of your life with?

or is all of that just something made up, like a bed-time story told to teenagers to make them feel like something is right in the world.

and i'm not saying this because i believe that its all fake, i want more than anything to believe that REAL love is real, and possible, and right there for me to take a hold of as soon as i just look for it, but that sinking suspicion that its all been lies from the beginning is really starting to get to me.

i can't help but feel that i fucked over my one chance at happiness. which i KNOW is bullshit, there isn't one chance in this life for me to be truly happy, there can't be. but i can't help but wonder if i did seriously mess up. i don't believe in that "destined, meant to be" crap, but when stuck in a bad situation, its funny what your mind can trick itself into believing, even if only for a little while. like the atheist's last minute death-bed request for redemption and salvation. (haha).

worst of all is, i KNOW if i just spoke up and said something, this could be over in an instant. well, i would like to believe that. i'm sure its more complicated than it seems.

see? again, hollywood at work. i expect things to work out, to be okay in the end, everything will be fine, just like it is in the movies.
i'm never letting my daughters watch chick flicks.
i mean, i knew as a child (and still know now) that things don't work out like they do in movies or fairy tales, but at the same time, when you're so bombarded with it, that little sliver of hope gets inside of you and never really goes away.

i just don't know what to make of it. i'm feeling hopeless and helpless, my two least-favorite places to be. depressed i can deal with, its part of life and i accept that. i just hate feeling like i'm not able to take control of a part of my life that should be in no one's hands but my own. i think its a little ridiculous that i'm letting myself fall into this situation, but i don't even know what to do anymore.