so.

I'm really really bad at keeping this updated.
I've gotten better at my tumblr, though.
It's anonymous, so hopefully it stays that way.

http://sweetpea-weebo.tumblr.com/

I think I'm being too hard on myself..

but once again, I'm starting to wonder if I'm crazy.

I put myself under tons of stress
I repeatedly take on too much responsibility
I put myself in unstable emotional situations, fully aware of what's going on
I let things get to me
I bounce around a lot
I don't want to pay attention to anything
I want to be done with school



...

I think I just need to relax a bit. The last few days have been really fast-paced, with few breaks and even less sleep.

I was on campus yesterday for 16.5 hours
I was awake yesterday for 21.
I got four hours of sleep last night
and will be here at school until 9 tonight.

Fuckthisshit.

It's 3am and I'm feeling lonely.

I always forget how lonely the nights are at home.

My friends are all spending time together, and I'm the only one awake in my house.
It's not even 10:30.

I'm feeling a little down, but I don't want to bother anyone. It seems silly to do so.

I'm bummed because the one person I want to talk to the most, I can't. His phone is broken.

What is it with me falling for guys and then the technology in their lives falling apart? It's like the communication gods are intentionally taking a crap on me.

Something happened to Arron's phone, and he's still trying to figure it out.

I am glad to be home, but damn, I miss Merced already.

i really am no good at this.

a month has gone by, and oh how the world has changed.

Taj and I had a very long conversation on the 4th of July. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, it was him telling me that he couldn't do it, that he couldn't be in a relationship with me just then. And thinking about it, that's okay. I learned a few things about people and about myself, and had some fun while I was at it.

I haven't heard from him since, and I'm okay with that.

Since the week before my birthday, I've been spending a lot of time with Arron. A lot being quite a bit. Being seeing him almost every day.
According to him, I kissed him at either mine or Brown's birthday party, while we were dancing. I have no recollection of this, though I wish to god that I did.

July 13th, he went to karaoke at the bar with us. We had a few drinks, we sang, we danced, and just before we left, he kissed me.
We kissed each other the whole way back to the car, giggling and smiling throughout.
We went back to my house and kissed some more. He stayed the night, and when we woke up, I made breakfast, and we kissed some more.

It's been more of the same for the last three weeks.

I was afraid for a while that he didn't actually like me, or that he wouldn't let himself like me, anyway. We've had a few serious conversations (admittedly, always sparked by alcohol), and I think he finally is getting used to the idea that I'm not going to get bored or scared away.

Lauren and Garrett found two beautiful blonde golden retrievers. Arron adopted them, and they spent almost a week at my house (because it was more convenient while his roommate was out of town). They went home Monday night, and I cleaned the house yesterday to get rid of all of their fur.

Betty is fixed ($600 later) but still needs to be smog'd and registered. I'm hopefully going home this weekend, with a Victoria in tow. :)

I'm happier than I have been since I can remember. I'm spending time with people I love, working, and enjoying everything I can.

The world feels right.

transatlanticism

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.


I've had this song stuck in my head for a few days now. I'm not going to write out how "the lyrics perfectly apply to my current situation", but being the secondhand poet that I often consider myself, I'll just post the lyrics and keep the thoughts about how this song rings truer than it should right now to myself.

I'm afraid that this last week put a lot of distance between me and Taj.
We talked last night for a bit, and things seemed fine. We both had to go to bed, and he said he'd call me tonight after he gets home from the gym and I'm home from work.
(Let's see if it happens. If I held my breath for this man, I would have suffocated weeks ago.)

I guess I just have to wait until I see him next weekend.

It's fully possible that I'm being the over-emotional female that has seemed to take over CourtneyLand these last few months, but I'm not banking on that, either. Sure, I act more like a girl than usual, but that would mean that I felt more strongly about him, right? Why would it make me feel that we're starting to pull apart? Not that we were ever very close to begin with...

All I know for certain is that I like him. He makes me happy when he's here, and I miss him when he's gone. I'm silly when I'm with him. He makes me think. I'm comfortable enough to talk about the not-so-fun stuff. And yes, I happen to find him impossibly attractive.

I'm really starting to think I'm worrying over nothing. Let's see how this turns out.

this week in review:

and here are the results.

Taj's phone broke, and he couldn't access the numbers. He got a new one some time between Wednesday and Friday (I think it was closer to Friday). He messaged me his number on Saturday morning, about the same time I left for Santa Cruz.

I knew nothing of this phone business the entire time, and was very upset (through Tuesday).
General thoughts: I can't believe he missed my birthday. I'm angry/sad/hurt (depending on the time of day)

And moved from very upset to just confused (Wednesday).
General thoughts: Who does that? Just disappears for a week? Is he insane?

And moved from confused to "What did I do wrong?" (Friday night)
General thoughts: What about me made him just leave without even saying goodbye? (to be fair, this was wine and Dido-fueled thought)

To IDGAF (Saturday)
General thoughts: I'm having a fan-fucking-tastic day in Santa Cruz with my friends. Screw him. I don't need him in my life.

Then came home, found the fb message, and almost cried I was so relieved.

But, I told him once I called him (after the shower to wash the rest of the beach off of me) that I understood, and even accepted that the entire week's absence wasn't entirely his fault. But that it really sucked, made me really upset for a while, and I didn't want to be in that situation again. In other words, GET ON FACEBOOK AS SOON AS YOUR PHONE BREAKS NEXT TIME, DAMNIT! That would have saved me an entire week of useless emotion.







By the way: good company, long car rides, good food, sun, sand, salt water, small sea creatures, lavender flavored ice cream, and unexpected cellos are some of the best things on the planet.

sleepless nights lead to too much thinking.

and more than too much thinking when you're kind of drunk, and talking to a guy friend that has a pretty damned good head on his shoulders.

Yesterday was my birthday.

After a full day of work, a small night of talking with friends turned into a large kickback, which resulted in me being drunker than I intended, and awake a hell of a lot longer than I meant to be.

Meaning that I didn't get any sleep last night.

And to top that off, Taj didn't call me.

Even after the last thing he said to me Sunday was that he promised he would call me last night.


I'm still trying to figure out how to handle this. I was hoping my heart to heart with Arron would shed a little more light on the situation. A male opinion from someone I consider to be one of the best men I've ever met should give me a little more perspective, right?

No. Arron put rather simply, more than once, that a good guy would never. EVER. do something as dumb as to forget something like that.
And not that things don't happen, life doesn't get in the way. But to not even send a text or a facebook message saying I'm sorry, I couldn't call, but happy birthday sweetie?

really?






I got in the shower at about 545, and when I got out to cook me and Arron breakfast, I noticed my iPod was playing. I don't remember turning it on last night. But, it somehow was on my anti-boy playlist (chock full of Sinead and Avril and Pink) and Losing Grip was playing.

I've got breakup songs of all sorts running through my head right now.

I want to not talk to him until he talks to me first. I think the only way that I'll get away with doing this would be to delete him from my phone. Lauren has his number, if I really want it I can get it back from her. But damnit, I'm upset. I'm hurt. I feel like I don't matter at all. And none of those are okay, in any situation. But especially not on my fucking birthday.



Angry post needs to end now. I'm sure I'll be back to post the results of all of this mess later.

Happy Father's Day

I called my dad this morning.
We didn't talk for long, I think he could tell that I was still upset and was uncomfortable staying on the phone for any amount of time.
I also think that this really upset him. I could hear it in his voice as we were saying our goodbyes.

I'm sitting here at work and trying not to cry. I'm just so tired of having to deal with his shit. I'm tired of having to deal with the addict. I just want my daddy back.

After I got off the phone with him, I went back inside. Taj asked me if I got a hold of him, and if I was okay. I told him yes, then he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. It was very sweet, and made me tear up a little (so I ran off and finished the muffins that were in the oven before he could notice.)

He went home after taking me to work. I'll see him Thursday or Friday, not sure exactly. But I'm hoping things continue on the way they are, I really like him. Last night was just so perfect it's ridiculous. We were lying in bed being silly and making dumb jokes, and couldn't stop kissing each other. Then we went out, got a little drunkie, came home and fell into bed together. I'm just sad that he couldn't stay longer. But I'll see him soon :)

I turn 21 tomorrow. Strangely, it still doesn't feel like my birthday. I'm not excited like I was when I was a kid, where birthdays were such a huge thing in my life. Growing a year older was one of the most fantastic things on the planet. I'm not excited for this one. I'm not giddy at the thought of being a little older. To be honest, I'm not even really excited about being old enough to drink (legally).

Will it feel like this from now on? Have all birthdays lost that magic? I really hope not.

Two nights in a row now I've gone out drinking. Tonight (if Tara Cassie Arron and I end up going out) will make three, and my birthday tomorrow will make four. Trivia Tuesday will make 5. That's the most going out I've done in years. Let's see if I make it out alive.

I want to do something this next weekend. No clue what, just that I don't want to stay home. And I don't think I want to spend it with a large group of people. I'd like to do something just me and Taj, at least for a little bit of the time he's in town. Tori Joe Steve and Josh are going to Santa Cruz on Saturday, that might be fun. I think Taj has to work that morning, which means when he goes home I can go with them to the beach. I'll talk to him and work it out.

I think that's about it.

I'm tired.

I'm so frustrated I just want to lay in bed and cry.
I like him. He says he has feelings for me. Why doesn't he call me back? Or try to get a hold of me? Even a text saying "hey, I can't talk right now, but I'm thinking about you. I'll call when I can" would be wonderful.

Why?

Is it something I'm doing?

Do I have this big stamp on my forehead saying "here when you need/want me, feel free to ignore me the rest of the time"

I just want to go to bed.

damm him.

He was sick. Bronchitis, and a fever. Had to go to the hospital, is taking more medicine, and getting all the nasty side affects.

I can't be mad. That's a perfectly valid reason right there to not get a hold of me.

And, on top of that, his phone is all ten kinds of messed up at the moment.

Damn him.


















But in all reality, I'm glad :)

hot and cold

I wish I could just know what was going through his head.

He told me to let him know whether or not he should come visit this weekend. I try to get a hold of him to tell him yes, I'd love to have him come stay (even if it couldn't be for very long) and for two and a half days have not heard from him.

I feel like just giving up.

On top of that, next Sunday is Father's day. I don't know how that's going to go.
Father's Day has always been a day of recognizing and appreciating for me. A day to flat out say I love you and everything you've done for me. I wouldn't be who or where I am without you.

I can't say all of those things.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad to death, but I am just so tired of dealing with his shit that I can't help but get the feeling (and hate myself for it) that I may be better off without him in my life until he gets his shit together.

So this is it. I'm feeling like crap, don't want to do anything, can't make myself stick to either sewing or reading, no motivation to clean, want to sleep for ten years.

Damn it all. I'm taking a nap.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.

What is this madness?? The weather needs to decide what it's doing. I've got a summer cold thanks to the constant change in temperature. 100% positive it isn't strep, which is good because I hate going to the doctors.

I talked to Taj last night. He said that he had been lonely all day because he missed me, and that he was upset with himself because I wasn't happy with the amount that we were talking. In 10 minutes of phone call, all my worries about us were taken away. I do actually like him. He does actually like me. I'm not lying to myself in some elaborate scheme.

I really need to check myself on things like that. I guess it's just really hard to not be negative about yourself and situations when you aren't in the best of moods.

I'm at work again. I close tonight, and work 8am tomorrow. This will be fun.

I really need to clean my room. The clutter is starting to drive me mad, even though I'm not home often. I know it's all sitting there, waiting for me, which is silly but true.

I also need to make time for working out. I was doing well last week, but these last few days I've fallen back to old habits.

Aaaand I think that's it.

thunder rolls

It's storming here in Merced.

The weather seems to match everyone's mood.

Everyone's got different shit they have to deal with, but it seems that we're generally all feeling the same way. Which sucks, because no one is here to pull us out of our collective misery. But at least everyone's being a little more sensitive, since they're not doing their best either.

I shouldn't be feeling down. I should be feeling fantastic. I've got free time, good friends close by, and an entire summer ahead of me. Instead, I'm still making myself crazy over this boyfriend of mine. I think what's really bothering me is that I am admitting to myself that he wants different things from the relationship than me. I want something serious, someone who wants to be a part of my life. Not someone who flits in and out at their convenience. (not that there's anything wrong with that. that's how things were before, and it was okay then. but now I need something else.) The only issue is, he's made it more than clear to me that he doesn't want anything crazy serious right now. Which is fine and dandy, but when he uses that as reasoning for only talking to me once a week, it's a little disheartening. I don't know what's going on in his world, but shit, it's sure throwing rainclouds into mine that just won't go away.

In attempts to keep with my new years resolution, I'm going to be honest. Part of me wonders if it isn't the fact that I really like Taj, but that I really like the idea that he wants the same things I do, that is making me so crazy over not hearing from him. That I don't like him as much as I think I do, but that I am in love with the idea of someone liking me, or being in love with with me, and I'm trying to make him play the part. This really scares me. If I can trick myself into believing this, what else am I lying to myself about?

What really has me thinking this might be the case is that I know Taj wants totally different things in life. He wants a small house in a big city with a fast car and no strings attached. Doesn't want to get married until late 20s, kids in mid 30s, blahblahblah. He likes different things than me. His friend group consists of the kids that I didn't get along with very well in high school. He does things I don't approve of, even though he knows I'm not okay with them. Half of what he considers to be a good time shocks the hell out of me. And though I've noticed all of these things (obviously) they haven't really bothered me all that much. So either I've decided that what I want in life doesn't matter in relation to who I'm dating at the moment, or I'm a big fat fibber.

I'm going to go over to Pete's tonight, and probably get drunk. We're going to talk about relationship bullshit, he'll go on about Eleni, I'll vent about Taj, and maybe tomorrow we'll both feel a little better.

Or we'll feel the same. Who knows, these things are hard to predict.

please please please

let it be a week from now :(

I just want to go home.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I miss my friends.

I have a 10 page paper to write, ~3 pages about my group members for some dumb fake business proposal, a web portfolio to finish, two journal articles to edit, and a final to take. But after that, and work on Thursday and Friday, I'm done.

I went with Megan and Lauren to Modesto today so that Megan could try on wedding dresses. She looked gorgeous.
That along with Steffers being married with little CJ on the way, I'm pretty down right now. I feel like those are things that I want, and not having them is starting to get to me. I know that getting married and having a kid right now would make my life a lot harder, but shit. I can't make myself not want it, even if I know it isn't what's best.

I really like Taj. Like really like him. That scares the hell out of me, seeing as we have only been dating for two weeks, and don't know each other very well. I like the way I feel around him - he makes me realize that I need to not worry about things. I don't even notice that I'm doing it. But he'll call me out on it, and then I see that I need to let go, and do. It feels amazing. Only problem is we're never really going to see each other. He has 5+ years left of school, I have 3 myself. We are both working two jobs over the summer. Neither of us will have a whole lot of free time - and the only day I'll have off, he'll have to work. This will be an interesting few months. Along with this, I don't get to talk to him as often as I would like. I hope that it's just the end of the semester being crazy.

I'm worried about what to do with my life. Teaching is looking like it's the most likely of the lot right about now, but I don't know what to do to get there. I'm applying to Teach for America, but I get the feeling I won't get it. Which means either getting my teaching credentials, working, and then getting my Masters, or getting my Masters, then going to work. I don't know which to do, I have to go talk to career services.

I also don't know where I will go to do said schooling. I want to live in Louisiana for a while, but goodness knows if that will work. I would also like Oregon and Washington, and staying in California wouldn't be the end of the world.

Well, brain dump complete. Hopefully I can shove this all aside and finish my semester now.

Zzyzx Road

I don't know how else to put this.
It's taking me so long to do this.
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight.

My muscles feel like a melee,
My body's curled in a U-shape.
I put on my best, but I'm still afraid.

Propped up by lies and promises.
Saving my place as life forgets.
Maybe it's time I saw the world.

I'm only here for a while.
And patience is not my style,
And I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through?

Tell me I should stick around for you.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.

I get to go home in one week.
But I'm leaving home in three weeks.
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry.

I'm following suit and directions.
I crawl up inside for protection.
I'm told what to do and I don't know why.

I'm over-existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family.
I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
You still don't think I'm gonna see this through.

Tell me I'm a part of history.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.



Well fuck. Why am I just now hearing this song?
I don't think I've ever had a song so clearly express what I was feeling. Ever.
I was in a sort of shock the first time I heard this, and now I'm sitting here on my living room couch with it on repeat and trying to not cry.

"I'm ready to live with my family.
I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired that I got to go."

Fuck a duck. I need to go have a life crisis on the swings, but don't have anyone to go with.

I need to go down to the desert this summer. I think I'll take a week right before school starts, and go visit my family in 29 Palms. And have someone drive me out to Zzyzx Road. I heard about it ages ago, and almost forgot about it.

another good one

"Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two."
-Louis de Bernieres

What a strange time for Jason to be IM'ing me.

I have the strongest desire to make out with someone.

No one in particular, though Taj would be nice.

Requirement: someone who is a good kisser.

This is why I love Stephen King.

I know I've posted it before (at least other places), but I don't care.

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear." -Stephen King

love

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss your or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
-Neil Gaiman

I should be studying...

I have two midterms this week. One Thursday, one Friday. I am six chapters behind in both of the classes I have tests in (and 6 in another). I have two research papers I have to complete this year, as well as a huge group project. I have four portfolios to turn in for writing.

And right now I just want to cry and crawl into bed.

I know I'm hormonal right now. I know that's why I'm feeling the way I do. But at the same time, knowing that doesn't make it any better.

I feel like giving up. Teach for America is seeming more and more possible, and I have so many great opportunities presenting themselves to me...but at the same time, it seems like all of these in addition to school is just too much for me.

I want to go home. To run away from everything for a while. I need a cuddle buddy, badly. Someone to come home to, just curl up next to on the couch or in bed, and we wouldn't need to talk. Just laying there with my head on their chest, and I would feel better. I haven't had that in a very long time and I miss it.

I was sitting here thinking about who I could talk to about how I feel, and literally couldn't think of a single person.
I mean obviously I've got extremely close friends, but sometimes I feel like we've all got our own shit to deal with, so we don't press ours off on to each other. Plus most of my problems are the same mopey ones I always have, and I don't want my friends to get tired of listening to me bitch about the same old things all the time.

Definitely another night where thinking about being bad is very very very tempting.

Maybe I just need to sleep it off. Here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Just dance

Listening to the Pandora Dubstep station, and all I want to do is dance.
Just be in a mass of moving bodies, bass pounding, lights off, strobe flashing...
Ugh. I need a break.
Really, I need a rave. But that won't happen any time soon.

boolshit.

I'm sorry you're upset.
I'm upset too.
You're making me choose between friends whether you want to admit it or not
and I refuse to do it.

I'm sorry that I am still in contact with people that have hurt you. Guess what, they're going to be in your life for a while to come, and not simply because they are my friends. You are going to have to see them every single day, and the sooner you get used to that idea, the better.

I did not replace you with them. Think about it. Really.

She was the best fit for the position. I do not regret putting her there, and I think she will do a fantastic job next year. This does not mean that I think you did a bad job.
I drank so much I was sick and he was making sure I was okay. I did not choose to spend drunkie time with him over you.
And YOU bailed on ME. YOU are not allowed to be mad at ME if I had to find someone else to exercise with because YOU were not able to for whatever reason.

Fuck this. Grow up and then we'll talk.

lost messages department

I am sitting here at work, and playing on my google account (there's nothing to do, and it's my first shift back after break. I wonder what that says about this semester.)
Jason came on chat.
I want to message him and say hi, but I don't know how he'd take it
He left the party on Sunday because I showed up (I can't know this for sure, but I'm almost positive that's what it was.)
I miss him. Well, I miss the good stuff.
Guess that's pretty typical though.

I wonder if I'll ever pluck up the courage to talk to him again.

Yes Man Challenge updates

Things I've done this year I wouldn't have done before.

1/7/11- asked Zach Dear on a date.
1/11/11- bought Princess Peach and her finish line case.
-- Also tried a grilled cheese with tomato sandwich. Disgusting, just like I thought it would be.
1/21/11- went on a date with Bryant, even though I know he is leaving. Was told to live in the present, and deal with later when it comes up. This is going to suck.
1/28/11- One night stand with Taj. Possibility of future occurrences. Amazing.
2/19/11- turned down car sex. Regretting it.
4/3/11- turned in application for FSC. Vice President Women's Recruitment. I must have a death wish or something.

I will continue to update as needed.

what is this feeling?

Leaving Vanessa's house today, it felt as if I was saying goodbye to her and Kevin for the last time. Not really sure where that feeling came from, it's really confusing. I'm not sure what brought it on, but I just felt empty and sad.

I had a nice evening, but I'm still trying to recover from it.

I need internet so I can get my calendar together :/

I need more water.

feeling miserable.

What did I do?
I was honest, direct, and told you how I felt.
I was sorry for hurting you and wished you the best.
And goodness only knows what was said on your end, but if your intention was to make me so upset I can't think of anything else, congrats, you hit your mark.
It apparently was a dumb thing to hope for, but I thought we would be polite and courteous and maybe even friendly.
Now I'm starting to question so much.
Did your friends always think I was "fake, selfish, and devious"?
What exactly have you been telling people about me?
If you've been saying such awful things, did you ever really love me?
I had such an amazing night. Inexplicably. I felt pretty, spent time with friends, met a cute boy, danced for ages, and was planning on talking with friends all night, but now I can't stop being miserable long enough to be anything but a downer.
Thank you.

1/1/11

I resolve to be honest with myself.
I need to live for me, not for anyone else.
Time to do me for the first time in a very long time.