you're in my blood like holy wine...

you taste so bitter, and so sweet
i could drink a case of you
and i would still be on my feet
i would still be on my feet.

<3

it's been a little while. Jason and I talked things out, and even after an extremely terrible weekend things are starting to look better.

so. had a talk last night with Jason about me being a deviant of sorts.
this is either going to turn out extremely well or horrendously.

lets see how this plays out.

formal is on friday, and i still don't have a dress :(

he really doesn't get it. :(

Jason: Lol so busy day today and recovery day tom?
Fun times

me: you have a recovery day tomorrow?

Jason: No you said u were

me: no, not a recovery day honey
its going to be more like "i'd rather stay in bed because i ran out of smiles and sunshine" day

Jason: Oh ill just shut up now

me: ??

Jason: What? Ur not happy?

me: not particularly, and that's okay, but i can't pretend to be happy tomorrow.

Jason: Will I be able to give you a hug?

me: i don't plan on seeing anyone tomorrow :/

Jason: I mean today

me: don't we usually take break at the same time?

Jason: I'm not working today
And I'm rlly sorry :(

me: ah i forgot about that...
don't be sorry.

Jason: :( I'm sorry you feel bad :(

me: jason, i told you when i explained everything you can't be sorry, you didn't do anything
its okay that i'm sad, it happens. but you can't be sorry for it.

Jason: I'm sorry I can't make it better but alright

me: please just don't say you're sorry.

Jason: Aight aight

tomorrow is going to SUCK.

haven't decided if i want to keep busy or stay in my room all day.
i just might do the second
study for my bio test
that kind of thing
i work tomorrow night though.

i am so frustrated with jason right now. and when i say this, i guess i'm not all that frustrated. but sort of. he doesn't seem to be able to grasp the fact that i do NOT want to fool around with him when he isn't sober. and i've told him that multiple times. when is he going to realize i mean it?

i asked him last night why he was so upset on friday, and he told me to not worry about it, it doesn't matter anymore. i don't know if i'm okay with that or not.

i'm leaning towards not.

Jason: :(
And 8am class weds?

me: yepyep
i'm probably not going though

Jason: Hmmm :)

me: ?

Jason: Win? Maybe we can actually watch a movie? Hahahaha

me: i've got my physics hw tonight and poster making with lauren, and i'm spending all day in bed tomorrow...

Jason: What time r u done with lauren and u can spend mosttime in my bed :) hahaha win?

me: umm, no honey, i'm gonna spend the day in my bed tomorrow. i need to be by myself.

Jason: Awww aight I'm sorry...

me: for what?

Jason: Pushin it

me: its okay.

raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawr

he woke me up early this morning because he had a bad dream, but he wouldn't tell me what it was.

i've been so drained lately....i just don't know why. i mean, if i knew why, it would be easier to deal with. but i have no energy, no patience, and no will to deal with anything. i'm feeling pretty used up.

i need this semester to be over already.

Angela says I have balls, I say I'm just tired of her shit.

Hey I know what I said kinda sucked because I was really stressing about planning. There are so many things that were kinda built up which came out in that those text but I would like to try to talk it out if you are willing. Just you and me not lauren or anyone else and we can tell each other the whole truth.

Claudia, if you want to talk we can, but I’m not sure what good will come of it. I’ve stood by you through so much and time and time again I’ve watched you hurt people you say you love. What you said Saturday finally made me realize I don’t need that in my life.

That’s fine. Idk where the many people part came from because I try not to be a horrible person. And what happens in my life has explanations but you were never close enough to hear explanations. But I don’t want to have to avoid you all the time or feel that tension all the time.

If there is any tension to worry about it’s on your end. I don’t mean that in a rude way, I’m just trying to say it’s not like I’m going to be awkward or mean, and I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, I would just rather not spend time with you.

Doesn’t hurt at all because we never really spend time in general. Im glad you are telling me but I need you to take blame for something because you are telling me everything is my fault and there is no way everything is my fault because it takes two to let something like this happen.

What have I done? I have been completely on the sidelines and been there while people talk about how you’ve hurt them. I’ve been there for people when you weren’t. What blame should I take for that?


....and no reply.

Hate

All I wanted was your love love love love love love
Hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you
Now that it's over, I don't even know what I liked about you.
I brought you around, and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you.

I love this song.

Wednesday is going to be tough. And guess what? It's also TWLOHA day. Way to be all spot on and such.

My chest is iiiiiitchy. I think I'm having some kind of a reaction :/ but to what is the question....
I wonder how I type. Now that I'm trying to figure out which finger does what, I'm having a really hard time typing.

I deleted Claudia from my facebook, because as Lauren put it, facebook is for friends. I also adopted Angela, because she needs a proper big sister.

Jason seemed to really like his present. I hope he actually likes it.

I think the graphs we're using in Psych were made in R. How strange.

I almost killed her.

First message (which I actually read second):
Hey are you pitching in for jason's birthday?

Second message (which I read first):
I need as much help financially [as possible] with his party and i thought you as his girlfriend would wanna help

My reply:
You know what claudia, I find it extremely rude and uncouth that you would say that. Don't you think if I could I would?

Her response:
I find it extremely rude that you aren't asking around for people to help but you are bringing people to drink. I don't have money either but i found fifty for jason because he means a lot to me and he deserves it. If you haven't noticed he likes one of five things alcohol. [this last sentence didn't even make sense to me.]

My reply:
Excuse me? Who have I invited? And I have been asking. I really don't appreciate this.

Her response:
I know you aren't coming alone. Don't say you haven['t] invited your friends. Sorry to say i have all the right to ask for your help because it seems like i care more than you about his feelings and thats sad. Do what you want because no matter what jason is gonna have a good birthday thanks to his best friends.


--

I was screaming profanities at this point. I think I scared Cesar, since I hadn't made any mention of being upset before this, and had continued to play Mario Party like nothing was wrong up until her last message.

I can't believe she said that. How DARE she. I didn't even want to go last night, but thank goodness for voices of reason. Things would have been so much worse if I wasn't there.

With this last week finally over, hopefully things will get better.

Whatever, it's time for a lake day.

small and broken

I am sorry if I even once demonstrated the ugly side. I'm sure I did, and I feel terrible. I completely agree, it shouldn't be the way it us. It brings out some of the worst parts of us.

I know you couldn't see it, but it also brought out something amazing. My sisters can be so catty, so mean to each other...and all of that fell away this week. I've never seen these girls work so hard and so cohesively together. It really is amazing, and that is why I thanked the men last night. For giving me and my sisters something to rally around, something to bring us together and act the way we should.

I am so so so sorry you were put in the middle of things. I understand why you're so upset, I am disappointed in some of us as well. Hopefully the kinks and things will work out in years to come so the ugliness of this past week can be avoided.

Whew.

Jason is upset with me. He thinks we don't spend enough time together, that I don't want to spend time with him. I really want to go up to him and slap him across the face. I am so hurt right now I don't even know how to explain it.

He was supposed to go to his fraternity's event last night, and didn't tell me until I was on the way there that he wasn't going to show up. When I asked why, he said he didn't want to be there when the winners were announced. I understood that, and even though I wanted him to be there, I didn't say anything, even though I had hoped he would be there to support his brothers, and support me in the competition.

I asked him afterward if I was going to see him at his brothers house, that I wanted him to go because I had barely seen him in the past few days, and no reply.

I sent him a message when I got home saying I was in bed, and I guess I would talk to him tomorrow, he said he was glad I had a good time. I said I wished he had gone, he said he didn't feel like it because he wasn't in the mood to socialize. I asked him if he was upset, and he said yes, but he didn't want to talk about it then. So I said goodnight.

Angela came up to me today at bobcat day and said I needed to talk to Jason, because he was upset because he feels like I don't want to spend time with him.

I don't want to spend time with HIM?

The past week has been insane. Trying to participate in Derby Days as much as possible, while balancing school, and work, and taking care of Jason's birthday present....the time I do have to spend with him, he doesn't feel like hanging out. What does he want from me? I'm sorry I have other responsibilities. I'm sorry I have had so many tests lately, and so many things I have had to take care of. I'm sorry that in the free time I have had, I couldn't spend every waking moment of it with him.

I can't even do this right now.

just breathe.

So, I woke up at 830.
Not usually a problem, but I had an 8am midterm.

Thank goodness it's a two hour class.

I took my test, and had time to spare, so that was okay.

I'm freaking out right now because the last time I self injured (last april) was because I slept through a midterm.

I'm okay, it just scared the hell out of me when I realized that halfway through my test. I had to stop and take a minute because I started hyperventilating.

I hope I didn't frighten the TA's....

would you light my candle?

feeling completely drained all of the sudden, for no apparent reason.
and completely completely. physically, mentally, and emotionally.

kind of a sick to my stomach feeling.

I just want to go home.

Go back to Roseville, get a job, maybe an apartment with Vanessa....
Things would be so much simpler.
I don't want to deal with all of this :(

feeling kinda nauseous

and not because my tummy hurts, its just the only way i can think to describe how i'm feeling at the moment.

Jason wants me to meet old roommates of his. I'm extremely uncomfortable with this for some reason.

Last night, he was a little belligerent. And when I say a little I mean quite a bit. They were extremely twisted when I got there, and then when we got to Chris and Jordan's, he started following me around like a puppy on a leash. This is really starting to bother me. Why can't he just go and do his thing with his friends so I can sit and chat and dance with mine? We don't have to spend every minute together >.<

I'm kind of upset with him. He wanted to fool around last night, and he didn't really seem to understand I was NOT in the mood. I know he was pretty messed up, but I literally had to spell it out for him. And when I said I didn't want to because he wasn't sober, he made some joke about sobering up. I just rolled over and went to sleep at that point.

I'm tired of the drama between friends right now. It's dumb and not worth anyone's time, and is just hurting people over and over and over.

Tell me why when I'm in a relationship, I get hit on by five different guys within an hour, but when I'm single, no one really notices me. What the fuck is that?

Still feeling nauseous. I'm convinced its from being upset, not from any food or lack thereof. I'm going to call Tori, I need a cigarette and park afternoon.

There is a kitty outside my dorm, and she's pregnant. I want to get some cat food and start putting out a bowl for her, but I'm afraid that Richards will eat it all. Maybe I can just feed her in the morning...

enter, stage left

yeah, definitely down now.

i'm realizing this semester will also be for shit.
midterms tomorrow? going to fail them.
everyone keeps reminding me that Jason is leaving after this semester.
i'm frustrated at myself for being so attached to him already.
i don't want to be here at work and feeling all of this and just smiling along like a good customer service rep.
what i want to do is crawl into bed, just sleep until i can't sleep anymore, and say fuck it all.

tell me why....

i decided to completely tear my room apart last night
raise my bed by myself (without taking the mattress off)
stack my drawers
almost throw out my back
get hot and sweaty and sore doing it
finally clean my room (minus my desk- ran out of time)
and collapse into bed at about 130, only to wake myself up at 9?


i'm afraid that i'm heading towards a not-so-happy period :/ but here's hoping otherwise, right?

i kind of just want to curl up in a little ball and be petted and held. that sounds nice.

time to get my classes together for next semester.
i told my dad's side of the family that i was changing my major, but i still haven't told my mom. lets see how things go.

strawberry fields, nothing is real

and nothing to get hung about...strawberry fields forever
living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see
its getting hard to be someone, but it all works out
it doesn't matter much to me.

i. love. this. song.



"What's with the jokes, all the routines they play
Screw with my head, never cave til they get their way
Guys like to run, chicks like to yell you see
Guys hate to fight, girls think its therapy"

gotta love Blink.

i need to get out and do something and not sit and stew in my room.

easter weekend

kind of a fail.
we get to bruce and julie's, i get to take a shower, and things are fine and dandy
sitting on the front porch smoking with robbie (because they still don't know i smoke so i couldn't in the back yard with everyone else)
and a guy rides up on this yellow honda.
robbie and i laugh to each other, and i say "who's this douchebag?", but quietly enough only she hears me
the guy takes his helmet off, and lo and behold its mom's ex, Shawn.
I laugh at the fact that was so perfect, but then after about 2 seconds the humor wears off and I'm left to the realization that the day was going to SUCK.

i still blame him for my mom and dad splitting up- i always will.
he's an asshole.
i honestly hate him at times.
and though he was kind of a douchebag yesterday, it wasn't as bad as i've seen him.

what really hurt me was hearing my mom and my uncle talk shit about my dad.
i know they have every right to feel however they want to towards him, and even though my mom doesn't like me seeing my dad, she doesn't stop me from it.
she tries her best to never say anything negative about him, because she knows he means a lot to me.
bruce, on the other hand, almost got the shit beat out of him. he started trash talking, and wouldn't stop for about 5-10 minutes, even after i started crying. so, i left. i got mom's keys and grabbed gabbie and we went and saw my dad.

i remember growing up and easter being a dry holiday- it was for the kids, not the parents, so there was no alcohol allowed. i wish things had stayed that way, yesterday would have been a lot easier on me.

i don't really know what to think about the most of yesterday, all i know is i remember why i hated family holidays so much when i was younger.