its getting better all the time...

Why on earth am I doing this? I really don't know anymore.
I thought maybe I was just being too sensitive, and a bitch about it. You're a nice guy, and you seem to actually care about me. So I thought it would be best if I just relax a bit, not let so many things get to me.

And the next day you stomp all over my feelings.

Stupidest part is I don't even really remember what we said. But I DO, rather distinctly, remember that you were mean to me because you had a bad night. How is that fair to me?

And I told you anything that comes out of her mouth is poison, and she's been trying to break us up since we started dating. Yet you're still taking relationship advice from her?

What does she know about giving advice, anyway? Is it really a good idea to take relationship advice from a lying cheating bitch that does nothing but take pleasure from breaking peoples' hearts?

I know that was kind of harsh, but I'm tired of being nice.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling like shit all day after talking to you.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of worrying all the time.

Things shouldn't be this way.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Peter:

Me
i just don't even know what to do anymore.
i feel like all we're doing is fighting anymore :/:/
and i don't know if i'm instigating them without knowing it
or if he's just being that much of an ass.

Peter
Yeah, it seems like a rough time
You guys need to sit down and talk it out
Then you'll know if he's the ass or if you are.
(or if it's mutual)
Me
it has to be over the phone, with the 150 miles between us
and every time we do, we'll just start to work something out, then he says something else that upsets me

Peter
Yeah, but you guys can do it over the phone. You just need to really try and talk it out
Well, I'd take that as a sign that it's at least partially him instigating

Me
and on top of that, he keeps bringing up old fights....i guess he never got his chest clear about them?
i don't knoiw
*know
i don't have anything else to say about them, and I keep telling him that
but he's apparently still upset at me for things from a long time ago.

Peter
Hmm, that's no good
He's gotta let to learn to let the small shit from the past go

Me
from what he said it isn't small shit to him, which is fine with me
but i don't know what else he wants me to say

Peter
Yeah, that's a hard nut to crack

Me
what am i supposed to do about things that have already happened?

Peter
You can
't do shit
Sorry, keyboard slipped

Me
no worries
and exactly what I told him

Peter
Yeah, I know you told him - you and I handle these things similarly.
We don't let shit slide that easy.

Me
and another thing, when he's upset with me, he sure lets me know

Peter
Yeah, like too much?

Me
but if i'm upset with him, he kinda just says whatever about it

Peter
Yeah, that's also no good

Me
no not too much, but he'll keep ringing it back up.

Peter
That probably needs to stop, ASAP

Me
i asked him why he kept bringing up old stuff, and i guess Claudia was talking with him about me and she brought a lot of it back up
and when he and i didn't talk for the day i was upset at him, he had his best friend try to talk to me and see how i was feeling why i was upset blah blah blah

Peter
Hmm
Wow

Me
and i told him that that's between me and him and no one else

Peter
That's no good

Me
and he didn't seem to understand that.

Peter
Ugh
This isn't sounding so great, babe

Me
i know :(:(
but I just don't know what to do about it

Peter
Yeah, I'm not sure what to tell you

Me
i can't handle all the mess that comes with a breakup right now

Peter
Becuase if I were in your situation, I'd be pretty conflicted.

Me
haha
extremely
add in old feelings for a good friend
makes it that much more interesting

Peter
Yeah
150 miles is a bad distance to break up over.

Me
exactly :/:/

Peter
It'd have to via phone, or something, at best, plus tons of drama

Me
plus the fact that he's a sig, which means if his feelings are super hurt, all of his brothers could end up hating me
and i don't think i could lose that many friends
especially over something like this

Peter
Well, you can't let the fear of losing friends keep you in the relationship.
Because that's a really unfair relationship.

Me
i know :/:/

Peter
At the same time, I know that will mke it hurt more when it ends, but there will always be the Pete's and Santi's there regardless.
And not all the Sig Chi's would hate you, you're too awesome.

Me
way to make me cry before noon, Peter :P:P

Peter
Sorry
<3<3

Me
lol

Peter
words of love

Me
i know
Peter
I almost want to make "Way to make me cry before noon, Peter" my status

Me
go for it

Peter
Way to make me bust a gut before noon, Courtney

Me
lol

Peter
But, in all seriousness, do what you gotta do, babe.

Me
i don't even know what to say

Peter
Yeah, it's hard sometimes

Me
i guess it'll all work out
somehow, anyway

Peter
Yeah, it all does
At the end of the day, Pete will still be there, yelling at Boyo to hit the bong again.




Megan:

Megan
so i hear from pete u r having Jason troubles

Me
yeah :/:/
i don't even know what to do with him anymore.

Megan
are you guys just too different?
or is the distance what is hurting u

Me
the distance is hurting him
i'm dealing
he's acting like a whiny baby.

Megan
yea

Me
i told him that him saying things like "i miss you so much" and all that ick 20 million times a day was driving me nuts
so he said fine, i won't say anything again
i'll keep it to myself
and when i tried to explain its not that i don't want him to tell me when he's upset, that i just need him to be okay with the distance because its going to be like this for a while
he didn't seem to get it.
then he was hurt that when i visited merced i didn't spend every single minute with him
and the only reason why i didn't was because he didn't have anything he wanted to do
he ended up playing computer games while i sat there bored, and people got a hold of me and made plans, then he got upset

Megan
ok i am going to be sister honest (aka to honest)

Me
yeah

Megan
you guys are not right for eachother
he is a nice guy but he is a "Spend every moment and hold my hand" guy
you are a "I like you but I have a life" girl

Me
i'm starting to see that, but don't know how to approach this with him :/:/

Megan
yea that i do not know either

Me
he's going to a rave thursday/friday
claudia bought his ticket

Megan
wow

Me
and then he tried to get me to go.
hah
a

Megan
yea that sounds like as much fun as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick

Me
seriously
and he asked me like a million times you sure you sure? i want you to go, it won't be the same without you, you should go
after me explaining i shouldn't spend the money and have no way of getting there, and that it would be too irresponsible for me to go.
he doesn't seem to understand that when I say no i mean it.

Megan
hmm
he is an odd one

Me
plus, he still throws in the extremely unneccesary guilt trip at the end of every message when we're fighting
after i've asked him to stop.
they don't work on me, they just make me extremely angry that you're trying to use them on me.

Megan
wow
that is insane

Me
i don't know what to do with him anymore.


thanks for listening, you guys.

summer solstice

I turned 20 years old yesterday.
Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, wonderful, and terrifying.

I had the best birthday ever, thanks to mom, sis, and my best friends.

I keep fighting with Jason, though :(
Over the littlest things...
One morning, after him falling asleep before I could call him, I wake up to a message saying "If you really cared about seeing me, you would make it happen."
He KNOWS I have no mode of transportation, no money to be spending, no way I can go down and spend time just hanging out and playing around. I didn't talk to him all day because I was upset, then he ignored me for another 18 hours after I said I was ready to talk when he was.

Eventually, he told me why he was upset with me, though there's nothing to do about it now. I tried to explain why I did what I did, and why I feel the way about it that I do, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't listening.

Today I finally told him it really bothers me when he texts me a million and a half times a day. Well, I asked him why he felt the need to, then I told him it bothers me. I told him if I don't reply he really doesn't need to leave me between 5 and ten messages in two hours, and he doesn't need to talk to me all day every day. I told him he needs to relax and stop worrying so darn much about everything, and he said fine, I won't talk to you first anymore, I'll wait for you to talk to me.

This is after him and I already getting into it about the nasty little snide remarks he likes to put at the end of his messages to try and make me feel guilty for whatever.
I told him to quit it, that I don't feel bad, it just makes me angry that he's trying to make me feel that way.

After all of that, he does and goes it again.

I just don't even know what to do with him anymore.

I keep telling him these things bother me, and he just goes and keeps at it.

Though he hasn't messaged me since we talked earlier...

Mom keeps saying I should break up with him. I'm awfully fucking tired of hearing that. It's my decision, and honestly, it's none of her god damned business anyway.

I'm tired of the people that I actually fall for hurting me, I really am.

On a brighter note, I sunbathed, swam, ate chocolate cake, and turned in job applications today. Fingers crossed.

telephone

not at the club, but jason is starting to really worry me
he likes to tell me multiple times a day how sad he is that i'm not there and now much he misses me and how much he wants me to be there and how much he misses me and he misses me so much and he's so sad...its starting to drive me nuts :(

i miss him, very much. but that's just aggravating.

on top of that, the self medicating is starting to bother me. a lot.
his reasoning is he can't do anything about feeling depressed, and since there's no reason for him to feel like that, smoking until he doesn't care about anything anymore is okay.

i AM NOT okay with that. ask anyone i know, i am down 100% for legalization, and have no issues with smoking. the majority of my friends and close family do, and i do on occasion (though high courtney has a tendency to go catatonic....) i really have no problem with it. but self medicating is just running away. running away from your problems is one of the worst things in the world to me. i'm not saying taking a break and some time for yourself is bad, not at all. but pushing things away and making yourself forget things because you can't deal with them? that's one of the reasons i'm still so upset with my mother after my sister's death. she couldn't deal with it, couldn't handle it, so she ran. she uprooted her entire family and everything she had going for her, and ran away.

i know i'm being selfish, and if i hadn't moved, many fantastic things wouldn't have come into my life. so that's probably a bad example. whatever, this is my space to vent, and vent i will.

he specifically said that he was getting high so he didn't have to feel sad. that he didn't want to deal with it, that he wanted to push it away to oblivion.

fuck. that.

so for now, i'm going to ignore him. let him realize he did something i'm not okay with (which i already told him), let him sober up, and we can talk about this tomorrow. i'll probably end up crying, make him feel terrible about it all, and hopefully he'll never do it again (though this rarely happens- hopefully at least he'll think twice before doing it again.) (here ya go boys, a look into how a woman's mind works when she's upset)

i am far from happy right now.
haha, fantastic. tomorrow is three months together. perfectly timed.