Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
back-home blues
friends kept me busy the last few weeks of school.
things were crazy, we partied way too hard, and i probably could have tried harder in my classes.
but god did i need the distraction.
not even sure what from specifically, but it just seemed like i was going to crack and break and never be the same again. so before i self destructed, my friends helped me let off a little steam and learn a few things about myself.
i know now i shouldn't have been heartbroken over any of it. none of it was really worth my time (at least thats what i have to tell myself).
a little part of me is still the really fragile damsel-type just looking for a man to hold her and make her feel safe and tell her everything will be okay. its a smaller part than it was, but it's still there. i'm not sure if it will ever completely disappear, or if i want it to even.
right now, i'm kind of down. the being at home and not being busy is leaving me plenty of time to get sad. (not that i need any help, i seem to be really good at that)
i don't know exactly what it is, but right now, i honestly want nothing more than attention. i want to feel special, like someone would rather be doing something with me or talking to me than anything else at that point in time. that would be nice.
its cold and its late, time to sleep. maybe. i think.
things were crazy, we partied way too hard, and i probably could have tried harder in my classes.
but god did i need the distraction.
not even sure what from specifically, but it just seemed like i was going to crack and break and never be the same again. so before i self destructed, my friends helped me let off a little steam and learn a few things about myself.
i know now i shouldn't have been heartbroken over any of it. none of it was really worth my time (at least thats what i have to tell myself).
a little part of me is still the really fragile damsel-type just looking for a man to hold her and make her feel safe and tell her everything will be okay. its a smaller part than it was, but it's still there. i'm not sure if it will ever completely disappear, or if i want it to even.
right now, i'm kind of down. the being at home and not being busy is leaving me plenty of time to get sad. (not that i need any help, i seem to be really good at that)
i don't know exactly what it is, but right now, i honestly want nothing more than attention. i want to feel special, like someone would rather be doing something with me or talking to me than anything else at that point in time. that would be nice.
its cold and its late, time to sleep. maybe. i think.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
everbody's gotta learn some time
watching eternal sunshine
my last chance to be sad before I have to be a big girl.
so its cereal with a fork, my sad movie, and a cigarette before bed.
i'm starting to think that i'm just perpetually in love, and just change who i pay attention to.
it makes me extremely sad to think that. i hope that's not the case.
i know you said i was being hard on myself, but damnit, i don't think i've been hard enough.
if i could have convinced myself from the beginning that nothing could come of it i would have never gotten my feelings hurt.
i shouldn't let a boy have this much impact on my life.
i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. a little part of me still seems to be holding out, waiting for him to say i was wrong, i actually want to be with you. and a big part of me is sad and angry and hurt and just wants to be held and petted and told that everything will be alright. and the smallest part of me says that if he were to say that he was wrong, and he wants to be with me, that i would just ignore that opportunity. i wish this little part were bigger.
i have a feeling that my feelings of rejection and loneliness are getting mixed up in my head. he chose her. so what? why am i that upset about it?
i really think thats what it is.
i hope.
time to go so i can actually watch my movie and be sad.
my last chance to be sad before I have to be a big girl.
so its cereal with a fork, my sad movie, and a cigarette before bed.
i'm starting to think that i'm just perpetually in love, and just change who i pay attention to.
it makes me extremely sad to think that. i hope that's not the case.
i know you said i was being hard on myself, but damnit, i don't think i've been hard enough.
if i could have convinced myself from the beginning that nothing could come of it i would have never gotten my feelings hurt.
i shouldn't let a boy have this much impact on my life.
i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. a little part of me still seems to be holding out, waiting for him to say i was wrong, i actually want to be with you. and a big part of me is sad and angry and hurt and just wants to be held and petted and told that everything will be alright. and the smallest part of me says that if he were to say that he was wrong, and he wants to be with me, that i would just ignore that opportunity. i wish this little part were bigger.
i have a feeling that my feelings of rejection and loneliness are getting mixed up in my head. he chose her. so what? why am i that upset about it?
i really think thats what it is.
i hope.
time to go so i can actually watch my movie and be sad.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Meet Virginia
"You cannot find peace by avoiding life." -Virginia Woolf
thanks, Javier, I need to learn this one.
thanks, Javier, I need to learn this one.
caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnn.......
aaaaannnnnnnnnnnyyyyboddddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
fiiiiiiiiiiiiind meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
somebody tooooooooooo loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove?
love Queen and all, but not what I need to hear right now.
shit.
i'm trying so hard to be a big girl, but i'm starting to think that there really is no difference.
fiiiiiiiiiiiiind meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
somebody tooooooooooo loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove?
love Queen and all, but not what I need to hear right now.
shit.
i'm trying so hard to be a big girl, but i'm starting to think that there really is no difference.
Monday, December 14, 2009
mrraw
writing a 7 page research paper on being optimistic
SO glad I went out saturday
and last night in fresno was just what i needed.
i don't think you realize how much better i feel because of it.
thank god for christmas lights and people that love you, even if you are being ridiculously loud about how much you have to PEE.
<3
SO glad I went out saturday
and last night in fresno was just what i needed.
i don't think you realize how much better i feel because of it.
thank god for christmas lights and people that love you, even if you are being ridiculously loud about how much you have to PEE.
<3
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Fuck you, facebook.
****** ****** is in a relationship with **** ***********.
NOT what I needed to see right now.
NOT what I needed to see right now.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
i'd give you everything i've got for a little peace of mind
god, how true that phrase is right now.
I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get.
had to look up Sir Walter Raleigh, but yeah
tired, upset (though less than before) and i am definitely looking forward to coffee and cigarettes after Glee tonight.
now all of this looking up Walter Raleigh makes me want to read the Faerie Queene because apparently his friend wrote it. Sounds interesting.
yeah, bored at work.
....
time to go.
I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get.
had to look up Sir Walter Raleigh, but yeah
tired, upset (though less than before) and i am definitely looking forward to coffee and cigarettes after Glee tonight.
now all of this looking up Walter Raleigh makes me want to read the Faerie Queene because apparently his friend wrote it. Sounds interesting.
yeah, bored at work.
....
time to go.
unrequited love is not allowed.
so, half of my music is against the rules atm.
doesn't matter, i'll just keep listening and not let Lauren know.
Rainy Monday was stuck in my head all day monday.
not because it was raining (though a pretty neat coincidence), but because of the lyrics.
he's pretty messed up over it all, but shit, so am i.
lets just stay back and act like myself and see what happens. who knows. maybe things will get better.
doesn't matter, i'll just keep listening and not let Lauren know.
Rainy Monday was stuck in my head all day monday.
not because it was raining (though a pretty neat coincidence), but because of the lyrics.
he's pretty messed up over it all, but shit, so am i.
lets just stay back and act like myself and see what happens. who knows. maybe things will get better.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
and now
i'm questioning myself.
if i'm so down and low right now that I can't even study
can't do any of my work
don't want to do anything but sleep....
maybe there is something wrong with me.
if i'm so down and low right now that I can't even study
can't do any of my work
don't want to do anything but sleep....
maybe there is something wrong with me.
motivation?
i have none.
as of right now, i want to leave and never come back.
no degree, no grad school, whatever.
right now, i don't care.
which is terrible, seeing as i have a midterm tomorrow....
as of right now, i want to leave and never come back.
no degree, no grad school, whatever.
right now, i don't care.
which is terrible, seeing as i have a midterm tomorrow....
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
more than ever..
feeling manic
and uncontrolled
and hurt
and lonely
and completely unsure of what the future holds for me.
why can't I just take care of what I have to take care of and get through this?
and uncontrolled
and hurt
and lonely
and completely unsure of what the future holds for me.
why can't I just take care of what I have to take care of and get through this?
Monday, November 30, 2009
you sure its called positive?
today in psychology we were learning about the healthy progression of primary relationships and marriages.
its like the psychology gods were testing to see if i would break down in class.
fuck that.
i am letting myself get so wrapped up in this...and i know its not worth it.
and i can't help it.
i hate being a girl.
so, tonight after work, i will sit and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. after that, i will drink a big glass of water and go straight to bed.
in the morning, i'm going to donate blood, go to work, go to class, then do homework, then do more homework before bed.
i think if i keep myself busy i will stay away from the not wanting to get out of bed. and keep away the whole bad habit thing.
its like the psychology gods were testing to see if i would break down in class.
fuck that.
i am letting myself get so wrapped up in this...and i know its not worth it.
and i can't help it.
i hate being a girl.
so, tonight after work, i will sit and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. after that, i will drink a big glass of water and go straight to bed.
in the morning, i'm going to donate blood, go to work, go to class, then do homework, then do more homework before bed.
i think if i keep myself busy i will stay away from the not wanting to get out of bed. and keep away the whole bad habit thing.
pretty much explains it all.
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I let them go and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red handed
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
by myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
By myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
How do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside
Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking...
I'm right there on the edge of a slump, and I'm fighting a losing battle. I feel numb and hollow, but so hurt at the same time. And in all honesty, I did it to myself (though he didn't help either).
Guess I should have known better, every other time I've tried I just got hurt, what would make this time any different?
I mean, I haven't talked to him, so its possible that I'm over-reacting, but I've got a pretty strong gut feeling, and based on last night, I highly doubt I am.
Time to crawl in bed and not see the sun for three or four days.
If it weren't for work and Psych class, and the fact that a few people might freak if I fall of the face of the earth for a week, I would just not leave my room and sleep.
I need to take a shower, I feel dirty. I'll wait until Lauren goes to class though.
Goodness, if ever I have wanted to fall back into bad habits :(
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I let them go and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red handed
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
by myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
By myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
How do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside
Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking...
I'm right there on the edge of a slump, and I'm fighting a losing battle. I feel numb and hollow, but so hurt at the same time. And in all honesty, I did it to myself (though he didn't help either).
Guess I should have known better, every other time I've tried I just got hurt, what would make this time any different?
I mean, I haven't talked to him, so its possible that I'm over-reacting, but I've got a pretty strong gut feeling, and based on last night, I highly doubt I am.
Time to crawl in bed and not see the sun for three or four days.
If it weren't for work and Psych class, and the fact that a few people might freak if I fall of the face of the earth for a week, I would just not leave my room and sleep.
I need to take a shower, I feel dirty. I'll wait until Lauren goes to class though.
Goodness, if ever I have wanted to fall back into bad habits :(
Thursday, November 19, 2009
frustration
so, a friend also likes the same person I am interested in.
she had a "thing" with him her freshman year, and is very sad that things go so screwed up between them.
she says she knows she doesn't have a chance with him, and wishes that she could go back and do things differently.
now I feel like a bitch for liking him.
things got messed up between me and him too, but hopefully I can change that?
but what happens if we start dating?
the friend hates me for the rest of eternity, thats what happens.
why the fuck do things have to be so damned complicated?
she had a "thing" with him her freshman year, and is very sad that things go so screwed up between them.
she says she knows she doesn't have a chance with him, and wishes that she could go back and do things differently.
now I feel like a bitch for liking him.
things got messed up between me and him too, but hopefully I can change that?
but what happens if we start dating?
the friend hates me for the rest of eternity, thats what happens.
why the fuck do things have to be so damned complicated?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
cold and lonely
literally.
its freezing at the help desk.
good thing they give us this little space heater...though to be honest, it's rendered useless every time a door is opened.
besides, it only offers the warmth that is hot to the touch and doesn't warm deeply. not quite what i need right now, the chill seems to have seeped much deeper than that.
i need a hot shower and a warm body to snuggle up with.
too bad boys are dumb, i'm sick, and my dog is 200 miles away.
old news, but i broke up with matt. i just can't be with someone that acts so much younger....i need someone stable and strong and grown up, so when i fall to pieces they don't run away. that's what i need right now.
he didn't really seem to take my issues seriously. my problems with my daddy and my sister have weighed heavily on me, and i don't think he understood that. he almost seemed to brush off the fact i was upset over my dad, and if you can't see that it is bothering me that much, i really shouldn't be dating you. it was fairly obvious.
like i said, old news. don't know why i feel like i have to talk about it....
i've been thinking a lot about mike lately. he gets initiated this weekend, and i'm extremely excited and happy for him. i'm actually going to bake him cookies this weekend. i hope i'm feeling better by then :(
i'm also starting my detox thing this week. hooray for 5 days of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.
that means no drinking this weekend...
oh well, i'm a big kid.
damn, i wish this heater would be warmer....
and now this has turned into a stream of consciousness.
i guess that means its time to go?
its freezing at the help desk.
good thing they give us this little space heater...though to be honest, it's rendered useless every time a door is opened.
besides, it only offers the warmth that is hot to the touch and doesn't warm deeply. not quite what i need right now, the chill seems to have seeped much deeper than that.
i need a hot shower and a warm body to snuggle up with.
too bad boys are dumb, i'm sick, and my dog is 200 miles away.
old news, but i broke up with matt. i just can't be with someone that acts so much younger....i need someone stable and strong and grown up, so when i fall to pieces they don't run away. that's what i need right now.
he didn't really seem to take my issues seriously. my problems with my daddy and my sister have weighed heavily on me, and i don't think he understood that. he almost seemed to brush off the fact i was upset over my dad, and if you can't see that it is bothering me that much, i really shouldn't be dating you. it was fairly obvious.
like i said, old news. don't know why i feel like i have to talk about it....
i've been thinking a lot about mike lately. he gets initiated this weekend, and i'm extremely excited and happy for him. i'm actually going to bake him cookies this weekend. i hope i'm feeling better by then :(
i'm also starting my detox thing this week. hooray for 5 days of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.
that means no drinking this weekend...
oh well, i'm a big kid.
damn, i wish this heater would be warmer....
and now this has turned into a stream of consciousness.
i guess that means its time to go?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
meteor shower....
was fun, minus my intense head cold.
Had a strange dream last night that I only partially remember. something about Brent driving Josh and I to San Francisco? Brent had to go for a quick trip, Josh wanted to tag along, and my mum was waiting there for me for some strange reason. This was being discussed in some living room, where Josh and I were sitting together. Something happened, our faces got close, and I kissed him just because I could. He looked at me with this cute surprised grin, and I told him it was just because it was movie moment perfect, and then I woke up.
Weird, right?
Had a strange dream last night that I only partially remember. something about Brent driving Josh and I to San Francisco? Brent had to go for a quick trip, Josh wanted to tag along, and my mum was waiting there for me for some strange reason. This was being discussed in some living room, where Josh and I were sitting together. Something happened, our faces got close, and I kissed him just because I could. He looked at me with this cute surprised grin, and I told him it was just because it was movie moment perfect, and then I woke up.
Weird, right?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
scared straight
yeah, thats right. Paranormal Activity scared all the want for destruction out of me.
and fantastic company and good food and a ridiculous but kind pull-over by a concerned police officer
feeling much better.
now only if I knew organic chemistry......
and fantastic company and good food and a ridiculous but kind pull-over by a concerned police officer
feeling much better.
now only if I knew organic chemistry......
mess
I'm pretty torn apart right now.
I talked to matt last night, and we're no longer dating. (if you can call it dating in the first place?)
anyways, the fact that we're no longer dating doesn't bother me.
what's bothering me is I realized the real reason why I can't date him.
I've just got so much shit I'm having to deal with and worry about I can't possibly build trust with anyone at the moment.
I don't think I've ever felt so lonely in my life.
I just want to go home and crawl into bed and not come back out.
school is extremely overwhelming right now. I have a midterm tomorrow that I already know I am going to fail. don't blame that statement on pessimism, literally, I am going to fail it. I have no clue what I am doing. I have tried to pay attention in class, attempted to read the book, it just isn't making sense. I think I need to talk to my counselor and see if it is a good idea if I withdraw from it for the semester. but that feels like cheating...I've already come so far I don't want to throw it all away, but I really don't have much to show for it.
I feel like getting fucked up beyond all recognition. just so far gone I wouldn't care what happened.
But I know better than that.
I think.
I talked to matt last night, and we're no longer dating. (if you can call it dating in the first place?)
anyways, the fact that we're no longer dating doesn't bother me.
what's bothering me is I realized the real reason why I can't date him.
I've just got so much shit I'm having to deal with and worry about I can't possibly build trust with anyone at the moment.
I don't think I've ever felt so lonely in my life.
I just want to go home and crawl into bed and not come back out.
school is extremely overwhelming right now. I have a midterm tomorrow that I already know I am going to fail. don't blame that statement on pessimism, literally, I am going to fail it. I have no clue what I am doing. I have tried to pay attention in class, attempted to read the book, it just isn't making sense. I think I need to talk to my counselor and see if it is a good idea if I withdraw from it for the semester. but that feels like cheating...I've already come so far I don't want to throw it all away, but I really don't have much to show for it.
I feel like getting fucked up beyond all recognition. just so far gone I wouldn't care what happened.
But I know better than that.
I think.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
breaking point
Things are a little weird right now.
I adore Matt. He is possibly the sweetest thing ever. I'm far more comfortable talking with him than I thought I would be.
He acts like a freshman, but hey, he is one. Just means I need to get him to hang around with upperclassmen, makes you grow up faster.
I think the Tori number thing is ADORABLE. (Don't tell her I said so, but I think that this is just what she needed to get rid of some of that bitter. :D )
Fuck the guys that hurt the sweet girls. You don't deserve their time or attention, let alone their love.
I'm extremely stressed out right now. Initiation is this weekend, and as fantastic and beautiful as it is, it's very time consuming. I have a lab due in a few hours, an assignment due for math 15 tomorrow I haven't started yet, a mini-experiment for psych due monday I haven't started, more calc homework, and a midterm in oChem next thursday. TOO much to do, too little time.
Next thursday is my daddy's birthday. I'm going to Fresno the 13th to go see the philharmonic with him, then we're spending the weekend together. I miss him.
He got out of rehab a few weeks ago. Hopefully he is doing okay. I haven't talked to him much about it recently.
I worry, but I hope its all for no reason.
The whole Bryant thing still gets to me sometimes. I can't believe I let myself fall so hard for a guy that didn't know I existed half the time. I thought I knew better than that...
I want it to be Christmas. I want to sit next to the fire with my dog and my family and read and watch movies and listen to Christmas songs. iTunes is not helping this, it's playing TSO right now.
I was misquoted in the Prodigy and now sound like an airhead that would haze New Members if it were not for the fact it is unlawful. They got an angry email demanding an apology to my fraternity and myself, as well as a request for a change in policy.
This is really jumbled. just what I'm thinking right now I guess.
How's this for a freewrite, Santi?
(not that he's reading...)
I feel like I'm about to snap and break into a million little pieces. There is just so much going on right now....I'm being pulled in too many directions at once. Be a good student. Be a good daughter. Be a good kappa. Be a good person. Be a good girlfriend. Be a good best friend. Be a good older sister. Be a good employee. The list goes on and on. I don't think I have enough of me to spread that far. At least it doesn't seem like it at the moment.
Anyways, gotsta get the lab done.
I adore Matt. He is possibly the sweetest thing ever. I'm far more comfortable talking with him than I thought I would be.
He acts like a freshman, but hey, he is one. Just means I need to get him to hang around with upperclassmen, makes you grow up faster.
I think the Tori number thing is ADORABLE. (Don't tell her I said so, but I think that this is just what she needed to get rid of some of that bitter. :D )
Fuck the guys that hurt the sweet girls. You don't deserve their time or attention, let alone their love.
I'm extremely stressed out right now. Initiation is this weekend, and as fantastic and beautiful as it is, it's very time consuming. I have a lab due in a few hours, an assignment due for math 15 tomorrow I haven't started yet, a mini-experiment for psych due monday I haven't started, more calc homework, and a midterm in oChem next thursday. TOO much to do, too little time.
Next thursday is my daddy's birthday. I'm going to Fresno the 13th to go see the philharmonic with him, then we're spending the weekend together. I miss him.
He got out of rehab a few weeks ago. Hopefully he is doing okay. I haven't talked to him much about it recently.
I worry, but I hope its all for no reason.
The whole Bryant thing still gets to me sometimes. I can't believe I let myself fall so hard for a guy that didn't know I existed half the time. I thought I knew better than that...
I want it to be Christmas. I want to sit next to the fire with my dog and my family and read and watch movies and listen to Christmas songs. iTunes is not helping this, it's playing TSO right now.
I was misquoted in the Prodigy and now sound like an airhead that would haze New Members if it were not for the fact it is unlawful. They got an angry email demanding an apology to my fraternity and myself, as well as a request for a change in policy.
This is really jumbled. just what I'm thinking right now I guess.
How's this for a freewrite, Santi?
(not that he's reading...)
I feel like I'm about to snap and break into a million little pieces. There is just so much going on right now....I'm being pulled in too many directions at once. Be a good student. Be a good daughter. Be a good kappa. Be a good person. Be a good girlfriend. Be a good best friend. Be a good older sister. Be a good employee. The list goes on and on. I don't think I have enough of me to spread that far. At least it doesn't seem like it at the moment.
Anyways, gotsta get the lab done.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Grow up already.
You're in college.
You rely on your sister for EVERYTHING, complain until you get your way, and don't do anything for yourself.
You act like I'm going to hold your hand through class and explain everything to you? Guess what, its my first time taking the class too! I'm learning and doing my own work. You should try it some time.
You rely on your sister for EVERYTHING, complain until you get your way, and don't do anything for yourself.
You act like I'm going to hold your hand through class and explain everything to you? Guess what, its my first time taking the class too! I'm learning and doing my own work. You should try it some time.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
:) part deux?
Still can't get this smile off my face.
He likes me, I like him, we're both looking for the same kind of relationship (FINALLY! a guy who isn't afraid of commitment.)
He's so sweet I'm going nutso. I feel like I'm in a chick flick. Without all that icky drama stuff.
I am STOKED for this weekend. Me and tori are gonna have a blast, I get to see friends I miss like crazy, I get to go home and eat real food, see my family, play with my dog, sleep in my own bed....
goodness I miss being home :)
and I'm definitely making a pumpkin pie this weekend, they're his favorite :)
He likes me, I like him, we're both looking for the same kind of relationship (FINALLY! a guy who isn't afraid of commitment.)
He's so sweet I'm going nutso. I feel like I'm in a chick flick. Without all that icky drama stuff.
I am STOKED for this weekend. Me and tori are gonna have a blast, I get to see friends I miss like crazy, I get to go home and eat real food, see my family, play with my dog, sleep in my own bed....
goodness I miss being home :)
and I'm definitely making a pumpkin pie this weekend, they're his favorite :)
Monday, October 26, 2009
:)
so, i'm not going to type it all out
but last night was near perfect :)
stars and movies and talking and cuddling and no sleeping.
minus the fact the couch was a little too small for two people, of course.
Megan, if you want to know what's going on, CALL MEEEEE
and I have to remember to bake a pumpkin pie this weekend :)
fingerscrossed and schoolgirlgiggle i hope this works out :)
but last night was near perfect :)
stars and movies and talking and cuddling and no sleeping.
minus the fact the couch was a little too small for two people, of course.
Megan, if you want to know what's going on, CALL MEEEEE
and I have to remember to bake a pumpkin pie this weekend :)
fingerscrossed and schoolgirlgiggle i hope this works out :)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Orionid
I was doing homework late last night when my roomie came in and told me there was a meteor shower going on. So, I finished my work, and went outside. I called a few people to see if they were busy, and they were either asleep or not able to come. So I walked out towards Lake Yosemite by myself. I laid down on the path, and just stared up at the sky.
I felt so tiny and alone. It wasn't a bad kind of alone- I just felt completely disconnected from the world. It sounds super cheesy but it was just me at that one point in time, like I was the only person on the planet. That quiet was actually really nice. Well, until people drove by or walked down the path.
It was a nice break, and I slept soundly, but this morning was a snap back to reality. A class I'm barely understanding, the same people, work...the monotony bothers me until I realize how much better it is than everything falling down around me.
I'm starting to get a little homesick again. I haven't been back to my house in over a month. My kitten is growing up and I'm missing it, I haven't been able to play with or walk my dog, and I miss my family more than I can explain right now. At least I know I'm a homebody and I'm not figuring this out while studying abroad or something.
Megan is coming into town tomorrow. I miss her so much...I can't wait to see her. She always makes me feel better.
I usually don't mind working the helpdesk- I get to play online and people watch in the lantern. It's a pretty good deal actually. But today I actually have some homework to be doing, and I just don't want to do it. If I were at the desk I would have an excuse...I should probably get on it and do it so I can watch Glee uninterrupted later.
I think that's what I'll do.
I felt so tiny and alone. It wasn't a bad kind of alone- I just felt completely disconnected from the world. It sounds super cheesy but it was just me at that one point in time, like I was the only person on the planet. That quiet was actually really nice. Well, until people drove by or walked down the path.
It was a nice break, and I slept soundly, but this morning was a snap back to reality. A class I'm barely understanding, the same people, work...the monotony bothers me until I realize how much better it is than everything falling down around me.
I'm starting to get a little homesick again. I haven't been back to my house in over a month. My kitten is growing up and I'm missing it, I haven't been able to play with or walk my dog, and I miss my family more than I can explain right now. At least I know I'm a homebody and I'm not figuring this out while studying abroad or something.
Megan is coming into town tomorrow. I miss her so much...I can't wait to see her. She always makes me feel better.
I usually don't mind working the helpdesk- I get to play online and people watch in the lantern. It's a pretty good deal actually. But today I actually have some homework to be doing, and I just don't want to do it. If I were at the desk I would have an excuse...I should probably get on it and do it so I can watch Glee uninterrupted later.
I think that's what I'll do.
Monday, October 19, 2009
lost
I'm sitting in Garrett's house, just finished a study session with Claudia, and wondering what the hell I am doing here.
I don't mean what am I doing in Garrett's house, I mean how did I get where I am in life right now?
I've got some pretty great things going for me- school seems to be going better this semester, Kappa is getting much more organized (and keeping me involved in something), work is actually okay....but I still feel down and out and left wondering what's missing.
Bryant called today. I was at Amy's house helping her clean (she was letting me do my laundry there, least I could do). I ignored it. I wanted to answer so badly, I was just so excited he was calling! I wanted to see how he was, and what he was up to, and and and...then I realized that if I keep going back to it, I'm going to keep getting my hopes up. So I silenced the call and put my phone back in my pocket. Amy asked my why I didn't answer, and I said that I can't keep being there whenever he wants me to be only to have him never be there for me. She said that was something she would never be able to do, and said something about how strong I was...I couldn't help but think that if I was so strong, why would I let myself be put in that situation in the first place?
On top of that mess, I went to lunch with a guy I met a few weeks ago. He's super nice, funny, has the same taste in music as me (for the most part), we're both in greek life, he plays the guitar, and is really freaking cute. So naturally, I was excited about spending time with him. We spent the entire time talking about music and sports and plans for later on in life (he said he couldn't wait to be married- how often do you find that in a guy?) To top it off, my fortune cookie from lunch (we went to a chinese food place) was possibly the most amazingly relevant one I've ever gotten. I had just been thinking "Wow, I haven't smiled this much in goodness knows how long", and it said "Keep smiling, you never know who may be falling in love with it." Talk about cheesy romance movie!
The fortune cookie gets me, but even more so is the fact that he can actually play The Rain Song on the guitar. I know it isn't the most difficult thing in the world, but after falling in love with it, I told myself I would marry the first man that would play it just for me. When we were talking about music, and the fact that that is my favorite Zeppelin song, he said he would play it for me next time we hung out.
And now I feel extremely dumb for thinking the things I've been thinking. I hate feeling all pessimistic about stuff, but more likely than not, nothing is going to come of this. I'm going to be all self-conscious, nervous, and afraid, and I'm going to fuck it up. Yes, I already know this. But how is me knowing this going to save me from it? I try to let go and not worry so much, but I just can't help it sometimes.
Honestly, I'm feeling completely lost at the moment. I don't know what to do, or think, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams, and no body is noticing, because the rest of things are going along so normally for me. I've never seemed this normal in my life, and somehow I wonder if this insanity is the universe's payment for the rest of things going so well for me.
Its after 1, I have class in the morning, and goodness only knows when Claudia and Garrett are getting up, let alone the rest of the guys in the house. I think its time to call it quits and get some sleep. Here's hoping I won't be up thinking all night...
I don't mean what am I doing in Garrett's house, I mean how did I get where I am in life right now?
I've got some pretty great things going for me- school seems to be going better this semester, Kappa is getting much more organized (and keeping me involved in something), work is actually okay....but I still feel down and out and left wondering what's missing.
Bryant called today. I was at Amy's house helping her clean (she was letting me do my laundry there, least I could do). I ignored it. I wanted to answer so badly, I was just so excited he was calling! I wanted to see how he was, and what he was up to, and and and...then I realized that if I keep going back to it, I'm going to keep getting my hopes up. So I silenced the call and put my phone back in my pocket. Amy asked my why I didn't answer, and I said that I can't keep being there whenever he wants me to be only to have him never be there for me. She said that was something she would never be able to do, and said something about how strong I was...I couldn't help but think that if I was so strong, why would I let myself be put in that situation in the first place?
On top of that mess, I went to lunch with a guy I met a few weeks ago. He's super nice, funny, has the same taste in music as me (for the most part), we're both in greek life, he plays the guitar, and is really freaking cute. So naturally, I was excited about spending time with him. We spent the entire time talking about music and sports and plans for later on in life (he said he couldn't wait to be married- how often do you find that in a guy?) To top it off, my fortune cookie from lunch (we went to a chinese food place) was possibly the most amazingly relevant one I've ever gotten. I had just been thinking "Wow, I haven't smiled this much in goodness knows how long", and it said "Keep smiling, you never know who may be falling in love with it." Talk about cheesy romance movie!
The fortune cookie gets me, but even more so is the fact that he can actually play The Rain Song on the guitar. I know it isn't the most difficult thing in the world, but after falling in love with it, I told myself I would marry the first man that would play it just for me. When we were talking about music, and the fact that that is my favorite Zeppelin song, he said he would play it for me next time we hung out.
And now I feel extremely dumb for thinking the things I've been thinking. I hate feeling all pessimistic about stuff, but more likely than not, nothing is going to come of this. I'm going to be all self-conscious, nervous, and afraid, and I'm going to fuck it up. Yes, I already know this. But how is me knowing this going to save me from it? I try to let go and not worry so much, but I just can't help it sometimes.
Honestly, I'm feeling completely lost at the moment. I don't know what to do, or think, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams, and no body is noticing, because the rest of things are going along so normally for me. I've never seemed this normal in my life, and somehow I wonder if this insanity is the universe's payment for the rest of things going so well for me.
Its after 1, I have class in the morning, and goodness only knows when Claudia and Garrett are getting up, let alone the rest of the guys in the house. I think its time to call it quits and get some sleep. Here's hoping I won't be up thinking all night...
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
i'm done.
you make a move on me, and then don't talk to me for three days. that doesn't reflect kindly on your intentions, sir.
when i pulled away because something didn't feel right, and you ask "is it because we aren't in an exclusive relationship?", i wanted to slap you in the face for asking such a dumb question.
i don't think i can do this anymore. too many chauvinistic comments (even if you say they're jokes), tired of the one sided friendship, and if you "aren't ready to be in a committed relationship again", then i don't have time for you.
when i pulled away because something didn't feel right, and you ask "is it because we aren't in an exclusive relationship?", i wanted to slap you in the face for asking such a dumb question.
i don't think i can do this anymore. too many chauvinistic comments (even if you say they're jokes), tired of the one sided friendship, and if you "aren't ready to be in a committed relationship again", then i don't have time for you.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
my love/hate with PostSecret
Both of these images were on PostSecret this week, and I don't know what to think.
Things are just getting so complicated...
I'm tired of the back and forth, seem like I'm falling for you one minute don't talk to you the next bullshit. I really can't take much more of that.
but at the same time, I don't know the other side, and is it fair for me to cut things off now? What if something is going on thats making him act that way?
And I texted Austin on Saturday. We're kind of talking again. I'm just worried it will end up like it did last time.
Too much work to do, too much to think about.
Almost to the point of saying fuck it all and going home.
Here's to the courage to stay and face what I've got to do...
Things are just getting so complicated...
I'm tired of the back and forth, seem like I'm falling for you one minute don't talk to you the next bullshit. I really can't take much more of that.
but at the same time, I don't know the other side, and is it fair for me to cut things off now? What if something is going on thats making him act that way?
And I texted Austin on Saturday. We're kind of talking again. I'm just worried it will end up like it did last time.
Too much work to do, too much to think about.
Almost to the point of saying fuck it all and going home.
Here's to the courage to stay and face what I've got to do...
Friday, October 2, 2009
I hate being a girl.
It sucks to be a girl. Sure, there are perks like getting the door opened for you, and being treated like a lady instead of just one of the guys (every now and again, anyways), but being female makes you prone to irrational emotional spells.
I like to think that for the most part, I'm pretty good about this- I don't usually look so deeply into things that I turn into a mess and worry and stress all the time, I don't cry and whine and mope when a guy doesn't notice me (at least not publicly), and I expect boys to act "like boys", so I'm usually not disappointed when things don't go the way I would like to with them.
However, as of late, I've been a little more susceptible to my feelings getting hurt, acting like an idiot over a guy, and expecting things to happen and being very disappointed when they don't.
I don't know if its because of him, or somethings going on with me, or what, but it's weird and different and not me, and I'm not sure I like it.
I want to blame it on my music and movie choices of late, but I know this isn't fair- I'm listening to and watching the things that I am because I'm in this mood. Not that the music and movies are helping anything...
I feel like I just need to take a step back from things and get a look at the bigger picture. If things don't go well, what's going to change with me? Nothing, I'll still be my old self. A relationship with a friend might change, but does that really change me as a person? I would hope not.
And if things do go well...well, that's great, but again, does that change me as a person?
I hope someone wouldn't have that much affect over my thoughts and actions and ideas. I should be the only person with the power to change me.
Sure, it would be great if this went somewhere. I would be happier (or at least a different kind of happy), to say the least. I miss that closeness you have with your someone special...best friends are the greatest thing in the world, and I would choose them over anyone but family, but the love and trust is different with a friend. I can't explain it, there really aren't the words, but I'm not the first person to have this thought.
I don't know, I've just been feeling lonely as of late. I haven't been in a relationship since Kevin and I broke up (not a real one, at least), and though I'm perfectly content being single, I miss being in a relationship. Which the being more emotional than usual isn't helping, I've caught myself more than once thinking I'm not happy because I'm not seeing someone. I know for a fact this isn't so because I am the one that controls my happiness, not anyone else. Go Eleanor Roosevelt.
Well, this is longer and more pointless than I meant it to be. Looking back at it, it just seems like a bunch of rambling. Whatever. Que sera sera, right?
I like to think that for the most part, I'm pretty good about this- I don't usually look so deeply into things that I turn into a mess and worry and stress all the time, I don't cry and whine and mope when a guy doesn't notice me (at least not publicly), and I expect boys to act "like boys", so I'm usually not disappointed when things don't go the way I would like to with them.
However, as of late, I've been a little more susceptible to my feelings getting hurt, acting like an idiot over a guy, and expecting things to happen and being very disappointed when they don't.
I don't know if its because of him, or somethings going on with me, or what, but it's weird and different and not me, and I'm not sure I like it.
I want to blame it on my music and movie choices of late, but I know this isn't fair- I'm listening to and watching the things that I am because I'm in this mood. Not that the music and movies are helping anything...
I feel like I just need to take a step back from things and get a look at the bigger picture. If things don't go well, what's going to change with me? Nothing, I'll still be my old self. A relationship with a friend might change, but does that really change me as a person? I would hope not.
And if things do go well...well, that's great, but again, does that change me as a person?
I hope someone wouldn't have that much affect over my thoughts and actions and ideas. I should be the only person with the power to change me.
Sure, it would be great if this went somewhere. I would be happier (or at least a different kind of happy), to say the least. I miss that closeness you have with your someone special...best friends are the greatest thing in the world, and I would choose them over anyone but family, but the love and trust is different with a friend. I can't explain it, there really aren't the words, but I'm not the first person to have this thought.
I don't know, I've just been feeling lonely as of late. I haven't been in a relationship since Kevin and I broke up (not a real one, at least), and though I'm perfectly content being single, I miss being in a relationship. Which the being more emotional than usual isn't helping, I've caught myself more than once thinking I'm not happy because I'm not seeing someone. I know for a fact this isn't so because I am the one that controls my happiness, not anyone else. Go Eleanor Roosevelt.
Well, this is longer and more pointless than I meant it to be. Looking back at it, it just seems like a bunch of rambling. Whatever. Que sera sera, right?
Monday, September 28, 2009
this last weekend
was great!
got to see my daddy, he's doing SO much better. seems happier, looks healthier, and is finally working on getting the psychiatric help he's needed and talked about for years now.
AND he's going to go back to school.
i've never been more proud of him.
went to the underground gardens with grandma grampa and shana, had a fantastic time. one of the coolest places i've ever been.
still mad at bryant :/ he hasn't really talked to me for the past week.
OH. he got me to drunkenly admit i kinda liked him not this last weekend but the one before.
and he said later that him now knowing that wouldn't change things.
LMAO i knew that was a lie from the start.
whatever.
fuckit, i don't have time for that, right? why deal with someone who isn't going to treat me right?
anyways, work, then a movie, and bed. and class at 8am.
readysetgo!
got to see my daddy, he's doing SO much better. seems happier, looks healthier, and is finally working on getting the psychiatric help he's needed and talked about for years now.
AND he's going to go back to school.
i've never been more proud of him.
went to the underground gardens with grandma grampa and shana, had a fantastic time. one of the coolest places i've ever been.
still mad at bryant :/ he hasn't really talked to me for the past week.
OH. he got me to drunkenly admit i kinda liked him not this last weekend but the one before.
and he said later that him now knowing that wouldn't change things.
LMAO i knew that was a lie from the start.
whatever.
fuckit, i don't have time for that, right? why deal with someone who isn't going to treat me right?
anyways, work, then a movie, and bed. and class at 8am.
readysetgo!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
domo arigato, mister roboto.
it feels like its time to just go on autopilot and let things come and go as they will. i'm feeling like i have no control over anything in my life right now, and the safest and smartest thing would be to go into robot status for a few weeks until things calm the fuck down. but i hate feeling so disconnected from everything :(
it's late, and i have class in less than seven hours. i should go to sleep.
it's late, and i have class in less than seven hours. i should go to sleep.
Friday, September 11, 2009
fuck it.
if i can't have a quiet night in with the one that i want...
i'm going to have a crazy night out with a bunch of friends.
maybe i'll meet someone new.
i'm going to have a crazy night out with a bunch of friends.
maybe i'll meet someone new.
this site is dumb.
it should automatically tell me when i get a comment, not me have to change it to tell me.
anyways.
wanted to go to margaritaville tonight, heard there would be almost as many people as stoplight though, so i'm deciding not to go.
i'd go watch a movie with bryant, but the asshole won't answer my messages. that's really starting to bother me. i'm here whenever he wants me to be, but whenever i want to do something, i can't get ahold of him. that's not good.
i want to go out and have a good time and a few drinks and find someone to talk to for the night. that's all i want. but idk.
anyways.
wanted to go to margaritaville tonight, heard there would be almost as many people as stoplight though, so i'm deciding not to go.
i'd go watch a movie with bryant, but the asshole won't answer my messages. that's really starting to bother me. i'm here whenever he wants me to be, but whenever i want to do something, i can't get ahold of him. that's not good.
i want to go out and have a good time and a few drinks and find someone to talk to for the night. that's all i want. but idk.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
in bed all day
its definitely a stay in bed all day kind of day.
but i have class at noon.
and at 2:30.
and then work from 7-12.
i want to just crawl into bed, watch eternal sunshine, and sleep until i feel better or the world stops sucking so hard.
to be honest, i want to be curled up on a couch next to him, just watching a movie and enjoying each other's company.
fuck. i shouldn't be thinking like that.
but i have class at noon.
and at 2:30.
and then work from 7-12.
i want to just crawl into bed, watch eternal sunshine, and sleep until i feel better or the world stops sucking so hard.
to be honest, i want to be curled up on a couch next to him, just watching a movie and enjoying each other's company.
fuck. i shouldn't be thinking like that.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
teenage angst bullshit
i feel super super silly for saying this, i hate relating my life to a movie, but i can't help but feel that its the best way to describe how i am feeling at this point in time.
this is the movie i watch whenever i'm feeling down and can't find a way to feel better. not that it makes me feel better, its actually a pretty sad movie.
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"- Joel, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
and though the feeling goes more towards men than women, i feel myself falling for anyone that shows me any significant amount of attention, even though i know that this is not the best idea.
why am i stuck in this place? i haven't really been involved with anyone in just over two years. isn't college the time to date? to find out what you like and what you don't like in a person? to meet that one somebody you'll want to spend the rest of your life with?
or is all of that just something made up, like a bed-time story told to teenagers to make them feel like something is right in the world.
and i'm not saying this because i believe that its all fake, i want more than anything to believe that REAL love is real, and possible, and right there for me to take a hold of as soon as i just look for it, but that sinking suspicion that its all been lies from the beginning is really starting to get to me.
i can't help but feel that i fucked over my one chance at happiness. which i KNOW is bullshit, there isn't one chance in this life for me to be truly happy, there can't be. but i can't help but wonder if i did seriously mess up. i don't believe in that "destined, meant to be" crap, but when stuck in a bad situation, its funny what your mind can trick itself into believing, even if only for a little while. like the atheist's last minute death-bed request for redemption and salvation. (haha).
worst of all is, i KNOW if i just spoke up and said something, this could be over in an instant. well, i would like to believe that. i'm sure its more complicated than it seems.
see? again, hollywood at work. i expect things to work out, to be okay in the end, everything will be fine, just like it is in the movies.
i'm never letting my daughters watch chick flicks.
i mean, i knew as a child (and still know now) that things don't work out like they do in movies or fairy tales, but at the same time, when you're so bombarded with it, that little sliver of hope gets inside of you and never really goes away.
i just don't know what to make of it. i'm feeling hopeless and helpless, my two least-favorite places to be. depressed i can deal with, its part of life and i accept that. i just hate feeling like i'm not able to take control of a part of my life that should be in no one's hands but my own. i think its a little ridiculous that i'm letting myself fall into this situation, but i don't even know what to do anymore.
this is the movie i watch whenever i'm feeling down and can't find a way to feel better. not that it makes me feel better, its actually a pretty sad movie.
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"- Joel, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
and though the feeling goes more towards men than women, i feel myself falling for anyone that shows me any significant amount of attention, even though i know that this is not the best idea.
why am i stuck in this place? i haven't really been involved with anyone in just over two years. isn't college the time to date? to find out what you like and what you don't like in a person? to meet that one somebody you'll want to spend the rest of your life with?
or is all of that just something made up, like a bed-time story told to teenagers to make them feel like something is right in the world.
and i'm not saying this because i believe that its all fake, i want more than anything to believe that REAL love is real, and possible, and right there for me to take a hold of as soon as i just look for it, but that sinking suspicion that its all been lies from the beginning is really starting to get to me.
i can't help but feel that i fucked over my one chance at happiness. which i KNOW is bullshit, there isn't one chance in this life for me to be truly happy, there can't be. but i can't help but wonder if i did seriously mess up. i don't believe in that "destined, meant to be" crap, but when stuck in a bad situation, its funny what your mind can trick itself into believing, even if only for a little while. like the atheist's last minute death-bed request for redemption and salvation. (haha).
worst of all is, i KNOW if i just spoke up and said something, this could be over in an instant. well, i would like to believe that. i'm sure its more complicated than it seems.
see? again, hollywood at work. i expect things to work out, to be okay in the end, everything will be fine, just like it is in the movies.
i'm never letting my daughters watch chick flicks.
i mean, i knew as a child (and still know now) that things don't work out like they do in movies or fairy tales, but at the same time, when you're so bombarded with it, that little sliver of hope gets inside of you and never really goes away.
i just don't know what to make of it. i'm feeling hopeless and helpless, my two least-favorite places to be. depressed i can deal with, its part of life and i accept that. i just hate feeling like i'm not able to take control of a part of my life that should be in no one's hands but my own. i think its a little ridiculous that i'm letting myself fall into this situation, but i don't even know what to do anymore.
Monday, August 24, 2009
bittersweet
my dad called me this morning for the last time in a while. as of 10am today, he is checking into an in-patient rehabilitation facility.
he's had a drug problem ever since i was a little girl. he's "tried" to deal with it many times before, but all to no avail.
i'm hopeful that this time it will be better.
i was never really involved in any of his issues before, but when he was arrested i was right there, to cry and yell at him and hit him and tell him i love him and cry a lot more.
i've also been checking in with him, asking him if he was going to his probation meetings and going to the outpatient classes he was placed in instead of staying in jail.
i was there when a test came up dirty and there was the possibility of him going back to jail for a very long time.
i was there when he found out that he was going to be placed in an in-patient program instead of going to jail.
now i'm here, stuck without him for at least the first five weeks. i'm not allowed to visit, or call, or have any contact with him until they say i can. its going to be extremely tough, but it will be worth it so long as he can get past this.
the last thing he said to me on the phone this morning was a toast- "here's to finally hearing that pop when i pull my head outta my ass". i didn't know whether to cry or laugh. now i'm doing both.
i love you, daddy.
he's had a drug problem ever since i was a little girl. he's "tried" to deal with it many times before, but all to no avail.
i'm hopeful that this time it will be better.
i was never really involved in any of his issues before, but when he was arrested i was right there, to cry and yell at him and hit him and tell him i love him and cry a lot more.
i've also been checking in with him, asking him if he was going to his probation meetings and going to the outpatient classes he was placed in instead of staying in jail.
i was there when a test came up dirty and there was the possibility of him going back to jail for a very long time.
i was there when he found out that he was going to be placed in an in-patient program instead of going to jail.
now i'm here, stuck without him for at least the first five weeks. i'm not allowed to visit, or call, or have any contact with him until they say i can. its going to be extremely tough, but it will be worth it so long as he can get past this.
the last thing he said to me on the phone this morning was a toast- "here's to finally hearing that pop when i pull my head outta my ass". i didn't know whether to cry or laugh. now i'm doing both.
i love you, daddy.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Should I tell her?
My sister has been getting in her fair share of trouble since I left for school last year.
To be honest, she got in some before I left, but its only gotten worse since then.
As of right now, she's grounded for a very long time. And if she screws up this progress period, my mom wants to take her out of school and put her on home studies. The only problem with this is that no one would be here to watch her, since mom works.
To solve this problem, mom wanted to put in a security system so she would know if my sister tried to leave during the day. The only problem with this is, we're super stressed out over money right now because of school. (Though a lot of our concerns were put to rest this morning, that's for sure.)
Anyways, all of this is coming to a head now because when she gave me her phone after getting home from school (she isn't allowed to have it for anything other than calling mom, which she can do from the house phone), she got a message. So Robbie and I knew she had been texting. While looking to see how many messages had been sent, and at what times, we ran across some messages that definitely should not have been there. And not about ditching or smoking cigarettes or anything, dirty messages that should NOT have been there.
So now I'm faced with a dilemma. I could tell my mom, which would stress her out beyond all belief, and then me leave for school this week. Or, I could ignore that this is happening, my sister will wind up being pregnant, and her life will be fucked. Or, I can go in and see her guidance counselor Thursday (he was also mine, and boy did we have our fair share of meetings). I'm going with door three. It's his job, right? He should know what to do with minimal stress on everyone involved, right?
For now, Gabbie is afraid that I'm going to tell mom. Hell, I'm afraid that I'm going to tell mom. What if it just slips out? If I'm angry and everyone starts yelling and it just comes out?
Our entire homelife would fall apart, that's what would happen.
But she is afraid of me right now. She didn't even argue when I told her she had to do the dishes. It was actually my turn, but at the same time, Robbie and I cleaned the rest of the house. Only fair if you ask me.
To be honest, she got in some before I left, but its only gotten worse since then.
As of right now, she's grounded for a very long time. And if she screws up this progress period, my mom wants to take her out of school and put her on home studies. The only problem with this is that no one would be here to watch her, since mom works.
To solve this problem, mom wanted to put in a security system so she would know if my sister tried to leave during the day. The only problem with this is, we're super stressed out over money right now because of school. (Though a lot of our concerns were put to rest this morning, that's for sure.)
Anyways, all of this is coming to a head now because when she gave me her phone after getting home from school (she isn't allowed to have it for anything other than calling mom, which she can do from the house phone), she got a message. So Robbie and I knew she had been texting. While looking to see how many messages had been sent, and at what times, we ran across some messages that definitely should not have been there. And not about ditching or smoking cigarettes or anything, dirty messages that should NOT have been there.
So now I'm faced with a dilemma. I could tell my mom, which would stress her out beyond all belief, and then me leave for school this week. Or, I could ignore that this is happening, my sister will wind up being pregnant, and her life will be fucked. Or, I can go in and see her guidance counselor Thursday (he was also mine, and boy did we have our fair share of meetings). I'm going with door three. It's his job, right? He should know what to do with minimal stress on everyone involved, right?
For now, Gabbie is afraid that I'm going to tell mom. Hell, I'm afraid that I'm going to tell mom. What if it just slips out? If I'm angry and everyone starts yelling and it just comes out?
Our entire homelife would fall apart, that's what would happen.
But she is afraid of me right now. She didn't even argue when I told her she had to do the dishes. It was actually my turn, but at the same time, Robbie and I cleaned the rest of the house. Only fair if you ask me.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Asylum
Had a fantastic time last night. The music was great (stuff i knew set to dance beats instead of hiphop songs i've never even heard of), was there with a lot of great people, and danced my ass off. Didn't get to go in the cage, it was occupied all night, but there's always next time.
I did learn to not wear heels though, or at least bring flats to dance in. My feet are killing me today. Still worth it.
Most interesting part of the night? When a lady kindly asked me to scoot over so she could be whipped by a man wearing a kilt.
I did learn to not wear heels though, or at least bring flats to dance in. My feet are killing me today. Still worth it.
Most interesting part of the night? When a lady kindly asked me to scoot over so she could be whipped by a man wearing a kilt.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Origins
Stephen King describes the way the mind stores things as an attic or room full of boxes. I have heard many forms of this same idea used to describe the mind, though I have never understood it really. Boxes seem so organized, almost as if everything is filed in its proper place. I've never really remembered things that way.
To me, its more like digging through a pile that is completely out of order, and you just happen to stumble upon things. To me, it's always seemed like one little corner of the room that's separated by a curtain. To me, you either place things behind it with love and fondness, or throw something in there and run like hell, hoping and praying it doesn't come back out chasing you.
Lately, there hasn't been much noise coming from behind there, but on other occasions you can here the laugh of a baby, the blare of almost constant music playing, or even the sound of sirens. Lots of things are behind there, and before I leave, there will be many, many more.
To me, its more like digging through a pile that is completely out of order, and you just happen to stumble upon things. To me, it's always seemed like one little corner of the room that's separated by a curtain. To me, you either place things behind it with love and fondness, or throw something in there and run like hell, hoping and praying it doesn't come back out chasing you.
Lately, there hasn't been much noise coming from behind there, but on other occasions you can here the laugh of a baby, the blare of almost constant music playing, or even the sound of sirens. Lots of things are behind there, and before I leave, there will be many, many more.
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