crazy AND confused.

i talked to jason for hours the other day. Too much to write down. But it was good I think.

He just asked me if i wanted to talk in person and catch up on monday since I'll be in town.

I am concerned. What am I going to talk to him about? I'm glad he suggested it, I think it's a good idea. But what does he have in mind?

Butler kept suggesting I date Ethan, since we're such good friends and "he gets me" according to her. I explained I'd rather keep him as a friend.

What do I do about James? I tried to tell him I wasn't looking for anything serious, he didn't seem to catch on to that.

These men will be the death of me.

Sitting on the train

A lot had happened this week.
Many family things, Ash finally turned 18, James and I talked.

About that. Immediately following me saying I wasn't looking for anything serious, the boy tells me he wants to try for something long term long distance, because he thinks we can do it. He's more of a hopeless romantic than emotional Courtney, who rarely sees the light of day because she's always getting herself into trouble.

Speaking of emotional Courtney, she's still pretty much in love with Jason. Good thing logical Courtney knows better and keeps her locked up like the looney she is.

I'm not talking to my father until he cleans up his act. I'm tired of being the more responsible one out of the two of us.

I'm siting on the train right now, on my way to Merced to meet about housing. We still need a fourth for the year. Please let us find one.

I'm staying with Pete tonight. I miss him and the boys very much.

I'm also spending the next two weeks in Fresno, ending with a trip to Six Flags. I miss my family, and need the break.

Now arriving in Stockton. Out of things to say, and another hour to go.

sniiiiitch

told my mom that gabbie and sierra have been getting stoned and smoking cigarettes all day.
I'm tired of covering for their asses and being treated like hell.

Also told mom that I occasionally smoke. So that weight is off my shoulders finally.

I don't really know what to do with James. He posted on his fb that he was in a relationship, but he didn't request that I do the same. So I'm thinking if he wants to change his that's fine, but I don't need to do anything to mine (i have nothing showing.)
I still haven't talked to him. I need to do it, but I don't know how to bring it up.

I was so angry yesterday that I thought I was going to snap and just start hitting Gabbie and not be able to stop. I'm really glad I didn't. I hate being angry, it scares me.

strangest dream ever.

That I don't really want to get into.
One thing, I finally snapped and beat the hell out of Claudia in it.

I woke up in a terrible mood. I felt this way a lot in high school, and dealt with it in a not so healthy way. But, I'm trying my damndest to stay away from old habits, hence the writing instead.,
I told myself if I ever felt the desire to do that again, I could best it by writing things out.
Not sure what to write about though.

I don't even know why I feel so god-awful. No real reason to, it was only a dream....

So, I will continue to do exactly what I am doing- dozing on the couch- until I feel beter or Vanessa gets here, whichever comes first. If i don't move from where I am, I can't do what my head is screaming for me to, right?

Be strong

I saw Jason last night.
Don't want to go into details right now, but I still love him and I miss him.
Feeling like shit, must be time to sleep.
On a brighter note, yesterday was the best day I've had all summer. I love my sisters more than ever, I can't even explain how much I am glad to have them in my life.

i hate "discussing" with my mother.

she's always told me that I have selective hearing. I've decided either she does, or she's getting senile at an early age.

She told me I always shut her down and say I don't want to talk when she states an opinion that I don't agree with, and I said "No, I would tell you I thought you were wrong, I always do."

She heard "I would tell you you're wrong" because it leads to another "lesson for her to teach me".

fuck.
that.

raaaaaaaaaaaaawr

i don't love you like i loved you yesterday.

I broke up with Jason last night.
Not much shock and surprise I guess, it's been going downhill pretty quickly.
It came down to me either hurting his feelings and taking care of myself, or me just letting my feelings be trampled again and again while he was "learning what not to do".
I'm just so tired of everything :( i'm tired of being so upset all the time, of being so angry at him i don't want to talk to him, of being so hurt by something he said that i have to fight off a panic attack. How is any of that fair to me? Why should I allow myself to be put through that?

And on top of that, I need to talk to James. I've realized i've been stringing the poor boy along, and that's just plain terrible of me. :(

I need a cigarette.

why do people feel the need to meddle?

Robert, stop it.
I know you're looking out for your best friend's best interests, but honestly, you're only making things worse.
I have a boyfriend. He knows this. You know this.
I'm under enough pressure right now, I don't need anymore.

Please, just stop. I really can't take this anymore.

I'm almost crying right now just thinking about this.

Vanessa, you were right. You were right about everything that you said. Every single thing. I haven't crossed any lines or anything, but I am so screwed up emotionally right now that I don't know what to do. Jason may not be right for me, but I love him so I am going to try and make it work. And about him? Right again. He doesn't want to do anything with himself at this point in time. And I'm not okay with that. He isn't good material, no matter how torn up I am over this right now.

I'm talking to Jason right now, and again, almost crying. I told him I was sorry for being so stand-offish lately, that I'm under a lot of emotional stress right now, and have been neglecting things that are important to me. He told me to not apologize, it was fine, and so I told him it isn't fine or fair.

Robbie moved out. Mom apparently apologized to her for the way things have been these past few weeks (months?). I'm worried about talking to her when she gets home. I have never had an honest to god sit-down adult conversation with my mother about anything. ANYTHING. I'm not comfortable with telling her what's actually going on in my life. I tell her what she wants to hear, because I don't want to deal with her reaction.

I'm not in the best state of mind for pouring out my heart right now, my thoughts are too scattered, and aren't deep enough for me to actually write about. Things just keep floating to the front of my mind to taunt and confuse me, only to drift off and change into something else before I can be productive about it. I should be doing something to keep myself busy.

Time to clean the whole house in time for mom to get home tomorrow.

the most awful and wonderful dream i've ever had...

I don't even remember exactly what was happening, or why.

We were trying to escape from these people, and we were at a mall...I think. Anyway, it's me, my sisters, the guy robbie likes (who is godric from true blood. but he's not a vampire, slightly tanner, and extremely flirtatious. here's a picture.
like I said, cute.)

anyway, we were running away from the bad guys, but Godric started getting really flirty with me. Like affectionate touching flirty. I told him I had a boyfriend, and he said everyone has someone where he's from, and that it didn't matter (I don't think my subconscious decided if he was from England, or from Egypt like in the show.) Either way, Robbie got pissed and stormed off.
Godric and I tried to steal the bad guys' jeep from the parking lot, it wouldn't start (the light on the dash said car is dry, i'm assuming that's dream land's version of the gas light).

Dream goes on, things get better, but then I wake up, cursing my alarm for going off.

Now I feel slightly bad, but not at the same time. Not like I can control what I dream about.

Besides, that's the first time I've had a good dream in a very very very long time.