today in psychology we were learning about the healthy progression of primary relationships and marriages.
its like the psychology gods were testing to see if i would break down in class.
fuck that.
i am letting myself get so wrapped up in this...and i know its not worth it.
and i can't help it.
i hate being a girl.
so, tonight after work, i will sit and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. after that, i will drink a big glass of water and go straight to bed.
in the morning, i'm going to donate blood, go to work, go to class, then do homework, then do more homework before bed.
i think if i keep myself busy i will stay away from the not wanting to get out of bed. and keep away the whole bad habit thing.
Monday, November 30, 2009
pretty much explains it all.
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I let them go and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red handed
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
by myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
By myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
How do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside
Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking...
I'm right there on the edge of a slump, and I'm fighting a losing battle. I feel numb and hollow, but so hurt at the same time. And in all honesty, I did it to myself (though he didn't help either).
Guess I should have known better, every other time I've tried I just got hurt, what would make this time any different?
I mean, I haven't talked to him, so its possible that I'm over-reacting, but I've got a pretty strong gut feeling, and based on last night, I highly doubt I am.
Time to crawl in bed and not see the sun for three or four days.
If it weren't for work and Psych class, and the fact that a few people might freak if I fall of the face of the earth for a week, I would just not leave my room and sleep.
I need to take a shower, I feel dirty. I'll wait until Lauren goes to class though.
Goodness, if ever I have wanted to fall back into bad habits :(
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I let them go and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red handed
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
by myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
By myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind I find
I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
How do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside
Don’t you (know)
I can’t tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can’t seem to convince myself (why)
I’m stuck on the outside
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking...
I'm right there on the edge of a slump, and I'm fighting a losing battle. I feel numb and hollow, but so hurt at the same time. And in all honesty, I did it to myself (though he didn't help either).
Guess I should have known better, every other time I've tried I just got hurt, what would make this time any different?
I mean, I haven't talked to him, so its possible that I'm over-reacting, but I've got a pretty strong gut feeling, and based on last night, I highly doubt I am.
Time to crawl in bed and not see the sun for three or four days.
If it weren't for work and Psych class, and the fact that a few people might freak if I fall of the face of the earth for a week, I would just not leave my room and sleep.
I need to take a shower, I feel dirty. I'll wait until Lauren goes to class though.
Goodness, if ever I have wanted to fall back into bad habits :(
Thursday, November 19, 2009
frustration
so, a friend also likes the same person I am interested in.
she had a "thing" with him her freshman year, and is very sad that things go so screwed up between them.
she says she knows she doesn't have a chance with him, and wishes that she could go back and do things differently.
now I feel like a bitch for liking him.
things got messed up between me and him too, but hopefully I can change that?
but what happens if we start dating?
the friend hates me for the rest of eternity, thats what happens.
why the fuck do things have to be so damned complicated?
she had a "thing" with him her freshman year, and is very sad that things go so screwed up between them.
she says she knows she doesn't have a chance with him, and wishes that she could go back and do things differently.
now I feel like a bitch for liking him.
things got messed up between me and him too, but hopefully I can change that?
but what happens if we start dating?
the friend hates me for the rest of eternity, thats what happens.
why the fuck do things have to be so damned complicated?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
cold and lonely
literally.
its freezing at the help desk.
good thing they give us this little space heater...though to be honest, it's rendered useless every time a door is opened.
besides, it only offers the warmth that is hot to the touch and doesn't warm deeply. not quite what i need right now, the chill seems to have seeped much deeper than that.
i need a hot shower and a warm body to snuggle up with.
too bad boys are dumb, i'm sick, and my dog is 200 miles away.
old news, but i broke up with matt. i just can't be with someone that acts so much younger....i need someone stable and strong and grown up, so when i fall to pieces they don't run away. that's what i need right now.
he didn't really seem to take my issues seriously. my problems with my daddy and my sister have weighed heavily on me, and i don't think he understood that. he almost seemed to brush off the fact i was upset over my dad, and if you can't see that it is bothering me that much, i really shouldn't be dating you. it was fairly obvious.
like i said, old news. don't know why i feel like i have to talk about it....
i've been thinking a lot about mike lately. he gets initiated this weekend, and i'm extremely excited and happy for him. i'm actually going to bake him cookies this weekend. i hope i'm feeling better by then :(
i'm also starting my detox thing this week. hooray for 5 days of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.
that means no drinking this weekend...
oh well, i'm a big kid.
damn, i wish this heater would be warmer....
and now this has turned into a stream of consciousness.
i guess that means its time to go?
its freezing at the help desk.
good thing they give us this little space heater...though to be honest, it's rendered useless every time a door is opened.
besides, it only offers the warmth that is hot to the touch and doesn't warm deeply. not quite what i need right now, the chill seems to have seeped much deeper than that.
i need a hot shower and a warm body to snuggle up with.
too bad boys are dumb, i'm sick, and my dog is 200 miles away.
old news, but i broke up with matt. i just can't be with someone that acts so much younger....i need someone stable and strong and grown up, so when i fall to pieces they don't run away. that's what i need right now.
he didn't really seem to take my issues seriously. my problems with my daddy and my sister have weighed heavily on me, and i don't think he understood that. he almost seemed to brush off the fact i was upset over my dad, and if you can't see that it is bothering me that much, i really shouldn't be dating you. it was fairly obvious.
like i said, old news. don't know why i feel like i have to talk about it....
i've been thinking a lot about mike lately. he gets initiated this weekend, and i'm extremely excited and happy for him. i'm actually going to bake him cookies this weekend. i hope i'm feeling better by then :(
i'm also starting my detox thing this week. hooray for 5 days of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.
that means no drinking this weekend...
oh well, i'm a big kid.
damn, i wish this heater would be warmer....
and now this has turned into a stream of consciousness.
i guess that means its time to go?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
meteor shower....
was fun, minus my intense head cold.
Had a strange dream last night that I only partially remember. something about Brent driving Josh and I to San Francisco? Brent had to go for a quick trip, Josh wanted to tag along, and my mum was waiting there for me for some strange reason. This was being discussed in some living room, where Josh and I were sitting together. Something happened, our faces got close, and I kissed him just because I could. He looked at me with this cute surprised grin, and I told him it was just because it was movie moment perfect, and then I woke up.
Weird, right?
Had a strange dream last night that I only partially remember. something about Brent driving Josh and I to San Francisco? Brent had to go for a quick trip, Josh wanted to tag along, and my mum was waiting there for me for some strange reason. This was being discussed in some living room, where Josh and I were sitting together. Something happened, our faces got close, and I kissed him just because I could. He looked at me with this cute surprised grin, and I told him it was just because it was movie moment perfect, and then I woke up.
Weird, right?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
scared straight
yeah, thats right. Paranormal Activity scared all the want for destruction out of me.
and fantastic company and good food and a ridiculous but kind pull-over by a concerned police officer
feeling much better.
now only if I knew organic chemistry......
and fantastic company and good food and a ridiculous but kind pull-over by a concerned police officer
feeling much better.
now only if I knew organic chemistry......
mess
I'm pretty torn apart right now.
I talked to matt last night, and we're no longer dating. (if you can call it dating in the first place?)
anyways, the fact that we're no longer dating doesn't bother me.
what's bothering me is I realized the real reason why I can't date him.
I've just got so much shit I'm having to deal with and worry about I can't possibly build trust with anyone at the moment.
I don't think I've ever felt so lonely in my life.
I just want to go home and crawl into bed and not come back out.
school is extremely overwhelming right now. I have a midterm tomorrow that I already know I am going to fail. don't blame that statement on pessimism, literally, I am going to fail it. I have no clue what I am doing. I have tried to pay attention in class, attempted to read the book, it just isn't making sense. I think I need to talk to my counselor and see if it is a good idea if I withdraw from it for the semester. but that feels like cheating...I've already come so far I don't want to throw it all away, but I really don't have much to show for it.
I feel like getting fucked up beyond all recognition. just so far gone I wouldn't care what happened.
But I know better than that.
I think.
I talked to matt last night, and we're no longer dating. (if you can call it dating in the first place?)
anyways, the fact that we're no longer dating doesn't bother me.
what's bothering me is I realized the real reason why I can't date him.
I've just got so much shit I'm having to deal with and worry about I can't possibly build trust with anyone at the moment.
I don't think I've ever felt so lonely in my life.
I just want to go home and crawl into bed and not come back out.
school is extremely overwhelming right now. I have a midterm tomorrow that I already know I am going to fail. don't blame that statement on pessimism, literally, I am going to fail it. I have no clue what I am doing. I have tried to pay attention in class, attempted to read the book, it just isn't making sense. I think I need to talk to my counselor and see if it is a good idea if I withdraw from it for the semester. but that feels like cheating...I've already come so far I don't want to throw it all away, but I really don't have much to show for it.
I feel like getting fucked up beyond all recognition. just so far gone I wouldn't care what happened.
But I know better than that.
I think.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
breaking point
Things are a little weird right now.
I adore Matt. He is possibly the sweetest thing ever. I'm far more comfortable talking with him than I thought I would be.
He acts like a freshman, but hey, he is one. Just means I need to get him to hang around with upperclassmen, makes you grow up faster.
I think the Tori number thing is ADORABLE. (Don't tell her I said so, but I think that this is just what she needed to get rid of some of that bitter. :D )
Fuck the guys that hurt the sweet girls. You don't deserve their time or attention, let alone their love.
I'm extremely stressed out right now. Initiation is this weekend, and as fantastic and beautiful as it is, it's very time consuming. I have a lab due in a few hours, an assignment due for math 15 tomorrow I haven't started yet, a mini-experiment for psych due monday I haven't started, more calc homework, and a midterm in oChem next thursday. TOO much to do, too little time.
Next thursday is my daddy's birthday. I'm going to Fresno the 13th to go see the philharmonic with him, then we're spending the weekend together. I miss him.
He got out of rehab a few weeks ago. Hopefully he is doing okay. I haven't talked to him much about it recently.
I worry, but I hope its all for no reason.
The whole Bryant thing still gets to me sometimes. I can't believe I let myself fall so hard for a guy that didn't know I existed half the time. I thought I knew better than that...
I want it to be Christmas. I want to sit next to the fire with my dog and my family and read and watch movies and listen to Christmas songs. iTunes is not helping this, it's playing TSO right now.
I was misquoted in the Prodigy and now sound like an airhead that would haze New Members if it were not for the fact it is unlawful. They got an angry email demanding an apology to my fraternity and myself, as well as a request for a change in policy.
This is really jumbled. just what I'm thinking right now I guess.
How's this for a freewrite, Santi?
(not that he's reading...)
I feel like I'm about to snap and break into a million little pieces. There is just so much going on right now....I'm being pulled in too many directions at once. Be a good student. Be a good daughter. Be a good kappa. Be a good person. Be a good girlfriend. Be a good best friend. Be a good older sister. Be a good employee. The list goes on and on. I don't think I have enough of me to spread that far. At least it doesn't seem like it at the moment.
Anyways, gotsta get the lab done.
I adore Matt. He is possibly the sweetest thing ever. I'm far more comfortable talking with him than I thought I would be.
He acts like a freshman, but hey, he is one. Just means I need to get him to hang around with upperclassmen, makes you grow up faster.
I think the Tori number thing is ADORABLE. (Don't tell her I said so, but I think that this is just what she needed to get rid of some of that bitter. :D )
Fuck the guys that hurt the sweet girls. You don't deserve their time or attention, let alone their love.
I'm extremely stressed out right now. Initiation is this weekend, and as fantastic and beautiful as it is, it's very time consuming. I have a lab due in a few hours, an assignment due for math 15 tomorrow I haven't started yet, a mini-experiment for psych due monday I haven't started, more calc homework, and a midterm in oChem next thursday. TOO much to do, too little time.
Next thursday is my daddy's birthday. I'm going to Fresno the 13th to go see the philharmonic with him, then we're spending the weekend together. I miss him.
He got out of rehab a few weeks ago. Hopefully he is doing okay. I haven't talked to him much about it recently.
I worry, but I hope its all for no reason.
The whole Bryant thing still gets to me sometimes. I can't believe I let myself fall so hard for a guy that didn't know I existed half the time. I thought I knew better than that...
I want it to be Christmas. I want to sit next to the fire with my dog and my family and read and watch movies and listen to Christmas songs. iTunes is not helping this, it's playing TSO right now.
I was misquoted in the Prodigy and now sound like an airhead that would haze New Members if it were not for the fact it is unlawful. They got an angry email demanding an apology to my fraternity and myself, as well as a request for a change in policy.
This is really jumbled. just what I'm thinking right now I guess.
How's this for a freewrite, Santi?
(not that he's reading...)
I feel like I'm about to snap and break into a million little pieces. There is just so much going on right now....I'm being pulled in too many directions at once. Be a good student. Be a good daughter. Be a good kappa. Be a good person. Be a good girlfriend. Be a good best friend. Be a good older sister. Be a good employee. The list goes on and on. I don't think I have enough of me to spread that far. At least it doesn't seem like it at the moment.
Anyways, gotsta get the lab done.
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