transatlanticism

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.


I've had this song stuck in my head for a few days now. I'm not going to write out how "the lyrics perfectly apply to my current situation", but being the secondhand poet that I often consider myself, I'll just post the lyrics and keep the thoughts about how this song rings truer than it should right now to myself.

I'm afraid that this last week put a lot of distance between me and Taj.
We talked last night for a bit, and things seemed fine. We both had to go to bed, and he said he'd call me tonight after he gets home from the gym and I'm home from work.
(Let's see if it happens. If I held my breath for this man, I would have suffocated weeks ago.)

I guess I just have to wait until I see him next weekend.

It's fully possible that I'm being the over-emotional female that has seemed to take over CourtneyLand these last few months, but I'm not banking on that, either. Sure, I act more like a girl than usual, but that would mean that I felt more strongly about him, right? Why would it make me feel that we're starting to pull apart? Not that we were ever very close to begin with...

All I know for certain is that I like him. He makes me happy when he's here, and I miss him when he's gone. I'm silly when I'm with him. He makes me think. I'm comfortable enough to talk about the not-so-fun stuff. And yes, I happen to find him impossibly attractive.

I'm really starting to think I'm worrying over nothing. Let's see how this turns out.

this week in review:

and here are the results.

Taj's phone broke, and he couldn't access the numbers. He got a new one some time between Wednesday and Friday (I think it was closer to Friday). He messaged me his number on Saturday morning, about the same time I left for Santa Cruz.

I knew nothing of this phone business the entire time, and was very upset (through Tuesday).
General thoughts: I can't believe he missed my birthday. I'm angry/sad/hurt (depending on the time of day)

And moved from very upset to just confused (Wednesday).
General thoughts: Who does that? Just disappears for a week? Is he insane?

And moved from confused to "What did I do wrong?" (Friday night)
General thoughts: What about me made him just leave without even saying goodbye? (to be fair, this was wine and Dido-fueled thought)

To IDGAF (Saturday)
General thoughts: I'm having a fan-fucking-tastic day in Santa Cruz with my friends. Screw him. I don't need him in my life.

Then came home, found the fb message, and almost cried I was so relieved.

But, I told him once I called him (after the shower to wash the rest of the beach off of me) that I understood, and even accepted that the entire week's absence wasn't entirely his fault. But that it really sucked, made me really upset for a while, and I didn't want to be in that situation again. In other words, GET ON FACEBOOK AS SOON AS YOUR PHONE BREAKS NEXT TIME, DAMNIT! That would have saved me an entire week of useless emotion.







By the way: good company, long car rides, good food, sun, sand, salt water, small sea creatures, lavender flavored ice cream, and unexpected cellos are some of the best things on the planet.

sleepless nights lead to too much thinking.

and more than too much thinking when you're kind of drunk, and talking to a guy friend that has a pretty damned good head on his shoulders.

Yesterday was my birthday.

After a full day of work, a small night of talking with friends turned into a large kickback, which resulted in me being drunker than I intended, and awake a hell of a lot longer than I meant to be.

Meaning that I didn't get any sleep last night.

And to top that off, Taj didn't call me.

Even after the last thing he said to me Sunday was that he promised he would call me last night.


I'm still trying to figure out how to handle this. I was hoping my heart to heart with Arron would shed a little more light on the situation. A male opinion from someone I consider to be one of the best men I've ever met should give me a little more perspective, right?

No. Arron put rather simply, more than once, that a good guy would never. EVER. do something as dumb as to forget something like that.
And not that things don't happen, life doesn't get in the way. But to not even send a text or a facebook message saying I'm sorry, I couldn't call, but happy birthday sweetie?

really?






I got in the shower at about 545, and when I got out to cook me and Arron breakfast, I noticed my iPod was playing. I don't remember turning it on last night. But, it somehow was on my anti-boy playlist (chock full of Sinead and Avril and Pink) and Losing Grip was playing.

I've got breakup songs of all sorts running through my head right now.

I want to not talk to him until he talks to me first. I think the only way that I'll get away with doing this would be to delete him from my phone. Lauren has his number, if I really want it I can get it back from her. But damnit, I'm upset. I'm hurt. I feel like I don't matter at all. And none of those are okay, in any situation. But especially not on my fucking birthday.



Angry post needs to end now. I'm sure I'll be back to post the results of all of this mess later.

Happy Father's Day

I called my dad this morning.
We didn't talk for long, I think he could tell that I was still upset and was uncomfortable staying on the phone for any amount of time.
I also think that this really upset him. I could hear it in his voice as we were saying our goodbyes.

I'm sitting here at work and trying not to cry. I'm just so tired of having to deal with his shit. I'm tired of having to deal with the addict. I just want my daddy back.

After I got off the phone with him, I went back inside. Taj asked me if I got a hold of him, and if I was okay. I told him yes, then he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. It was very sweet, and made me tear up a little (so I ran off and finished the muffins that were in the oven before he could notice.)

He went home after taking me to work. I'll see him Thursday or Friday, not sure exactly. But I'm hoping things continue on the way they are, I really like him. Last night was just so perfect it's ridiculous. We were lying in bed being silly and making dumb jokes, and couldn't stop kissing each other. Then we went out, got a little drunkie, came home and fell into bed together. I'm just sad that he couldn't stay longer. But I'll see him soon :)

I turn 21 tomorrow. Strangely, it still doesn't feel like my birthday. I'm not excited like I was when I was a kid, where birthdays were such a huge thing in my life. Growing a year older was one of the most fantastic things on the planet. I'm not excited for this one. I'm not giddy at the thought of being a little older. To be honest, I'm not even really excited about being old enough to drink (legally).

Will it feel like this from now on? Have all birthdays lost that magic? I really hope not.

Two nights in a row now I've gone out drinking. Tonight (if Tara Cassie Arron and I end up going out) will make three, and my birthday tomorrow will make four. Trivia Tuesday will make 5. That's the most going out I've done in years. Let's see if I make it out alive.

I want to do something this next weekend. No clue what, just that I don't want to stay home. And I don't think I want to spend it with a large group of people. I'd like to do something just me and Taj, at least for a little bit of the time he's in town. Tori Joe Steve and Josh are going to Santa Cruz on Saturday, that might be fun. I think Taj has to work that morning, which means when he goes home I can go with them to the beach. I'll talk to him and work it out.

I think that's about it.

I'm tired.

I'm so frustrated I just want to lay in bed and cry.
I like him. He says he has feelings for me. Why doesn't he call me back? Or try to get a hold of me? Even a text saying "hey, I can't talk right now, but I'm thinking about you. I'll call when I can" would be wonderful.

Why?

Is it something I'm doing?

Do I have this big stamp on my forehead saying "here when you need/want me, feel free to ignore me the rest of the time"

I just want to go to bed.

damm him.

He was sick. Bronchitis, and a fever. Had to go to the hospital, is taking more medicine, and getting all the nasty side affects.

I can't be mad. That's a perfectly valid reason right there to not get a hold of me.

And, on top of that, his phone is all ten kinds of messed up at the moment.

Damn him.


















But in all reality, I'm glad :)

hot and cold

I wish I could just know what was going through his head.

He told me to let him know whether or not he should come visit this weekend. I try to get a hold of him to tell him yes, I'd love to have him come stay (even if it couldn't be for very long) and for two and a half days have not heard from him.

I feel like just giving up.

On top of that, next Sunday is Father's day. I don't know how that's going to go.
Father's Day has always been a day of recognizing and appreciating for me. A day to flat out say I love you and everything you've done for me. I wouldn't be who or where I am without you.

I can't say all of those things.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad to death, but I am just so tired of dealing with his shit that I can't help but get the feeling (and hate myself for it) that I may be better off without him in my life until he gets his shit together.

So this is it. I'm feeling like crap, don't want to do anything, can't make myself stick to either sewing or reading, no motivation to clean, want to sleep for ten years.

Damn it all. I'm taking a nap.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.

What is this madness?? The weather needs to decide what it's doing. I've got a summer cold thanks to the constant change in temperature. 100% positive it isn't strep, which is good because I hate going to the doctors.

I talked to Taj last night. He said that he had been lonely all day because he missed me, and that he was upset with himself because I wasn't happy with the amount that we were talking. In 10 minutes of phone call, all my worries about us were taken away. I do actually like him. He does actually like me. I'm not lying to myself in some elaborate scheme.

I really need to check myself on things like that. I guess it's just really hard to not be negative about yourself and situations when you aren't in the best of moods.

I'm at work again. I close tonight, and work 8am tomorrow. This will be fun.

I really need to clean my room. The clutter is starting to drive me mad, even though I'm not home often. I know it's all sitting there, waiting for me, which is silly but true.

I also need to make time for working out. I was doing well last week, but these last few days I've fallen back to old habits.

Aaaand I think that's it.

thunder rolls

It's storming here in Merced.

The weather seems to match everyone's mood.

Everyone's got different shit they have to deal with, but it seems that we're generally all feeling the same way. Which sucks, because no one is here to pull us out of our collective misery. But at least everyone's being a little more sensitive, since they're not doing their best either.

I shouldn't be feeling down. I should be feeling fantastic. I've got free time, good friends close by, and an entire summer ahead of me. Instead, I'm still making myself crazy over this boyfriend of mine. I think what's really bothering me is that I am admitting to myself that he wants different things from the relationship than me. I want something serious, someone who wants to be a part of my life. Not someone who flits in and out at their convenience. (not that there's anything wrong with that. that's how things were before, and it was okay then. but now I need something else.) The only issue is, he's made it more than clear to me that he doesn't want anything crazy serious right now. Which is fine and dandy, but when he uses that as reasoning for only talking to me once a week, it's a little disheartening. I don't know what's going on in his world, but shit, it's sure throwing rainclouds into mine that just won't go away.

In attempts to keep with my new years resolution, I'm going to be honest. Part of me wonders if it isn't the fact that I really like Taj, but that I really like the idea that he wants the same things I do, that is making me so crazy over not hearing from him. That I don't like him as much as I think I do, but that I am in love with the idea of someone liking me, or being in love with with me, and I'm trying to make him play the part. This really scares me. If I can trick myself into believing this, what else am I lying to myself about?

What really has me thinking this might be the case is that I know Taj wants totally different things in life. He wants a small house in a big city with a fast car and no strings attached. Doesn't want to get married until late 20s, kids in mid 30s, blahblahblah. He likes different things than me. His friend group consists of the kids that I didn't get along with very well in high school. He does things I don't approve of, even though he knows I'm not okay with them. Half of what he considers to be a good time shocks the hell out of me. And though I've noticed all of these things (obviously) they haven't really bothered me all that much. So either I've decided that what I want in life doesn't matter in relation to who I'm dating at the moment, or I'm a big fat fibber.

I'm going to go over to Pete's tonight, and probably get drunk. We're going to talk about relationship bullshit, he'll go on about Eleni, I'll vent about Taj, and maybe tomorrow we'll both feel a little better.

Or we'll feel the same. Who knows, these things are hard to predict.