ridin' solooooo

Yeeeeeyeeeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm ridin solo, sooloooo.

Yeah, I'm feeling good tonight, finally doing me and it feels so right, oh,
Time to do the things I like,
going to the club everything's alright, oh,

No one to answer to,
no one that's gonna argue, no,
And since I got the hold off me,
I'm living life now that I'm free, yeah,

Telling me to get my shit together
now I got my shit together, yeah,
Now I made it through the weather
better days are gonna get better

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out I'm moving on,
I'm so sorry but it's over now,
the pain is goooone,

I'm putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I'm jumpin' in my ride,
I'm heading out tonight,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky.
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.

Now I'm feeling how I should,
never knew single could feel this good, oh,
Stop playing miss understood,
back in the game, who knew I would, oh,
So flex how I spread my wings, loving myself makes me wanna sing, oh,
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Telling me to get my shit together
now I got my shit together, yeah,
Now I made it through the weather
better days are gonna get better

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out I'm moving on,
I'm so sorry but it's over now,
the pain is goooone,

I'm putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I'm jumpin' in my ride,
I'm heading out tonight,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky.
I'm solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo

yeah it's like S... O... L... O...
S... O... L... O... S... O... L... O...
Living my life and got stress no more,

I'm putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I'm jumpin' in my ride,
I'm heading out tonight,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo,
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine,
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky.
I'm solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo.
I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, sooloooo

I'm riding solo, sooloooo,
I'm riding solo, sooloooo.

Alrighty, so it's a cheezy overplayed song.
BUT
I am loving it right now.

:)

trying, but failing

I don't want to resent you
But I'm starting to.
Please, leave me alone and let me take care of my life for a little while. (It IS finals season, after all.)
Maybe then I won't be so angry.

a not-so-beautiful mess

I'm afraid I may be tearing my world apart unintentionally.

Is there something deep-rooted in me that just when I know things could be great, I have to go and mess them up?

Is this some kind of self preservation, or am I subconsciously really that much of a masochist?

Things went screwy with Jason over the summer, I ended it, and was extremely torn apart.
There were never any "I got over him"'s or "i'm okay"'s. I still had feelings for him, but those had been overpowered by how hurt I was.

Then James. I really did like him, but was in no place to start something with anyone. That was a mistake on my part, no matter how much he may blame himself. I wasn't looking for anything serious, and though I tried to make that point clear, I should have known he would be hurt. I know James better than that, and I should have known myself better than that. Starting something with James was NOT going to make me feel better about Jason. Seeking comfort in another individual because of a relationship gone wrong just doesn't work for me.

And now I'm back with Jason, as of the beginning of September. And things were good for a while, but as of the last two months, everything has gone wrong. I've gotten to the point where I am trying to convince myself I don't hate the man. I know that I don't, because I still have feelings for him (or I wouldn't care so much about hurting him). But I've just been so angry and upset and frustrated with him that I don't want to see him, spend time with him, or talk to him. I saw him last night for the first time in a week. AN ENTIRE WEEK. Because I was so angry with him (for whatever reason I could find) that I didn't want to be around him.

I've been told that my feelings were justified, but I'm starting to wonder. At least to an extent. I know some things that he did and said were deserving of the way I reacted, but others I'm afraid I may have been an uberbitch just because I could.

And to add to this dilemma, four different ex-things have got in contact with me this last week alone.

Austin, Sunny, Bryant, and now James are all finding their ways back into my life. Which is alright, just sort of confusing since I've been in love (or at least I thought I was) with each of them at LEAST once at some point over the last six years. How do you sort through that kind of mess while still in a relationship with a person that doesn't know anyone else ever existed? How do you talk to a boyfriend who has never dated someone before you about past relationships without making him insecure?

What do you do when you don't even want to talk to him about them, and secretly are hoping one or many of them just flat out say "I still have feelings for you, I want to work things out, I want you back"?

Not that I would know what to do if they did.

And lovely, all of this during finals.

Not to mention the never-ending daddy drama, the fact that I'm so homesick I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and it seems like my entire house is falling apart at their seams.

What happened to "This will be a good semester"?

what's with this?

it's been about a month again. lame, i need better blogging habits.

things have been all kinds of crazy. i've been pretty off the last few days. manic episodes that seem endless, scattered thoughts, it just feels like i'm falling apart at the seams.
i'm starting to wonder if i need to go in and talk to someone. i'm also wondering if it's the fact that i recently started taking birth control again, and i'm just not used to the hormones yet.
but when your head jumps from ecstatic, to depressed, to wanting chili, to really missing your boyfriend (whom you saw earlier that day), to wanting to crawl in bed and not come back out, to wanting to make cookies (and realizing you only really want the dough, and only because you think the vanilla would smell good)
IN A SPAN OF LESS THAN TWO MINUTES
something isn't right.

i'm glad things are going well with jason, i don't think i could take that added on to the pile.

i am, however, adding in ways to get me involved more at school. since i rarely go out anymore i feel like i've lost almost all human connection, so i think that would be a good way for me to get some back.

james still thinks we're dating. and it's dumb, and i'm dealing with it. but honestly, i'm tired of hearing other people's opinions about the situation. i don't need the harsh words right now.

i think things are finally calming down at home.

i haven't talked to my daddy in two weeks. i think it's for the best, but i feel crappy about it.

and suddenly i have nothing left to say.

It's been....

One week since you looked at me,
Cocked your head to the side, and said "You're Crazy"
Five days since you laughed at me
Sayin' "Get that together, come back and see me".
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you.
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days 'til I say I'm sorry".


Random lyrics, but it's been quite some time since I have updated this.
Feeling like shit, so now must be a good time to vent.

I talked to James, told him I don't think long distance is a good idea. He told me he needed time to think, and would get back to me. This was two weeks ago. I'm starting to think he won't call.

Jason and I are....weird. I still have really strong feelings for him, told him if he were in a more stable place in his life that we would probably already be back together, and now ex sex is complicating my feelings. I really do like him, and can very easily see myself falling back in love with him (like in less than a blink of an eye), but as of right now, it isn't a sure bet, and it scares me.
On top of that, why on earth are things working out the way they are? I was trying to look out for myself and made a really, really dumb decision. I mean, I know it wasn't dumb at the time, but now I feel like it was. I hurt him, and I hurt him pretty badly. Why on earth does this look like it's going to work out? The universe doesn't give second chances like this. I was telling Jason that I was feeling this way, and I kind of just broke down and cried. And cried. And cried. Then passed out with him curled up next to me on my bed.

I am foreseeing some major roommate drama tonight. We're having a sit down meeting and going over some house rules. I get the feeling that my ideas of what needs to be done are completely opposite of everyone else, and this is just going to get messy.

I ditched class today to hang out with Pete all afternoon. I met his new roommate, he's extremely nice, and has the same sense of humor as all of my guys. I can see us getting along really well.
Pete and I talked a lot this afternoon. Well, Pete did most of the talking, but that was okay. It was what I needed. I needed distraction by good friends, and I got just that.
Thank you boys.

I have felt like shit all day, really. Whenever I'm not busy with other people, I just sink. I guess it's because I don't like being bummed out around other people. I don't want them to know I'm upset because I feel it will upset them as well.
I want to crawl into bed and watch Eternal Sunshine and cry and sleep and wake up feeling better. But even if I did those things, I get the feeling I will wake up with the same weight.

Oh well. At work, time to be chipper and happy for the patrons and co-workers.

life is lifey.

everything changes in half an hour?

My lease was emailed to me. The security deposit was lowered. My grandma just handed me a check for $400. My dad just told me if he files the right paperwork, I won't have to pay tuition anymore.

I can't stop crying.

So much for happy

I was feeling on top of the world all this week until yesterday.

Things were better with Jason, I had a plan for everything, and the house was falling into place.

Now they tell me the deposit is due on Tuesday.

My financial aid doesn't come out until the 14th.

I don't know what to do.

That's $400 that none of my semi-close family has.

I want to say that's why I felt like shit last night, but honestly I don't think so. I mean I know the stress is coming from that, but not the sad.

Where? Why? I was doing fine, and all of the sudden whabam. Courtney wants to crawl in a hole and never again see the light of day.

I'm tired of the mood swings. And the feeling like shit physically. I'm just tired.

crazy AND confused.

i talked to jason for hours the other day. Too much to write down. But it was good I think.

He just asked me if i wanted to talk in person and catch up on monday since I'll be in town.

I am concerned. What am I going to talk to him about? I'm glad he suggested it, I think it's a good idea. But what does he have in mind?

Butler kept suggesting I date Ethan, since we're such good friends and "he gets me" according to her. I explained I'd rather keep him as a friend.

What do I do about James? I tried to tell him I wasn't looking for anything serious, he didn't seem to catch on to that.

These men will be the death of me.

Sitting on the train

A lot had happened this week.
Many family things, Ash finally turned 18, James and I talked.

About that. Immediately following me saying I wasn't looking for anything serious, the boy tells me he wants to try for something long term long distance, because he thinks we can do it. He's more of a hopeless romantic than emotional Courtney, who rarely sees the light of day because she's always getting herself into trouble.

Speaking of emotional Courtney, she's still pretty much in love with Jason. Good thing logical Courtney knows better and keeps her locked up like the looney she is.

I'm not talking to my father until he cleans up his act. I'm tired of being the more responsible one out of the two of us.

I'm siting on the train right now, on my way to Merced to meet about housing. We still need a fourth for the year. Please let us find one.

I'm staying with Pete tonight. I miss him and the boys very much.

I'm also spending the next two weeks in Fresno, ending with a trip to Six Flags. I miss my family, and need the break.

Now arriving in Stockton. Out of things to say, and another hour to go.

sniiiiitch

told my mom that gabbie and sierra have been getting stoned and smoking cigarettes all day.
I'm tired of covering for their asses and being treated like hell.

Also told mom that I occasionally smoke. So that weight is off my shoulders finally.

I don't really know what to do with James. He posted on his fb that he was in a relationship, but he didn't request that I do the same. So I'm thinking if he wants to change his that's fine, but I don't need to do anything to mine (i have nothing showing.)
I still haven't talked to him. I need to do it, but I don't know how to bring it up.

I was so angry yesterday that I thought I was going to snap and just start hitting Gabbie and not be able to stop. I'm really glad I didn't. I hate being angry, it scares me.

strangest dream ever.

That I don't really want to get into.
One thing, I finally snapped and beat the hell out of Claudia in it.

I woke up in a terrible mood. I felt this way a lot in high school, and dealt with it in a not so healthy way. But, I'm trying my damndest to stay away from old habits, hence the writing instead.,
I told myself if I ever felt the desire to do that again, I could best it by writing things out.
Not sure what to write about though.

I don't even know why I feel so god-awful. No real reason to, it was only a dream....

So, I will continue to do exactly what I am doing- dozing on the couch- until I feel beter or Vanessa gets here, whichever comes first. If i don't move from where I am, I can't do what my head is screaming for me to, right?

Be strong

I saw Jason last night.
Don't want to go into details right now, but I still love him and I miss him.
Feeling like shit, must be time to sleep.
On a brighter note, yesterday was the best day I've had all summer. I love my sisters more than ever, I can't even explain how much I am glad to have them in my life.

i hate "discussing" with my mother.

she's always told me that I have selective hearing. I've decided either she does, or she's getting senile at an early age.

She told me I always shut her down and say I don't want to talk when she states an opinion that I don't agree with, and I said "No, I would tell you I thought you were wrong, I always do."

She heard "I would tell you you're wrong" because it leads to another "lesson for her to teach me".

fuck.
that.

raaaaaaaaaaaaawr

i don't love you like i loved you yesterday.

I broke up with Jason last night.
Not much shock and surprise I guess, it's been going downhill pretty quickly.
It came down to me either hurting his feelings and taking care of myself, or me just letting my feelings be trampled again and again while he was "learning what not to do".
I'm just so tired of everything :( i'm tired of being so upset all the time, of being so angry at him i don't want to talk to him, of being so hurt by something he said that i have to fight off a panic attack. How is any of that fair to me? Why should I allow myself to be put through that?

And on top of that, I need to talk to James. I've realized i've been stringing the poor boy along, and that's just plain terrible of me. :(

I need a cigarette.

why do people feel the need to meddle?

Robert, stop it.
I know you're looking out for your best friend's best interests, but honestly, you're only making things worse.
I have a boyfriend. He knows this. You know this.
I'm under enough pressure right now, I don't need anymore.

Please, just stop. I really can't take this anymore.

I'm almost crying right now just thinking about this.

Vanessa, you were right. You were right about everything that you said. Every single thing. I haven't crossed any lines or anything, but I am so screwed up emotionally right now that I don't know what to do. Jason may not be right for me, but I love him so I am going to try and make it work. And about him? Right again. He doesn't want to do anything with himself at this point in time. And I'm not okay with that. He isn't good material, no matter how torn up I am over this right now.

I'm talking to Jason right now, and again, almost crying. I told him I was sorry for being so stand-offish lately, that I'm under a lot of emotional stress right now, and have been neglecting things that are important to me. He told me to not apologize, it was fine, and so I told him it isn't fine or fair.

Robbie moved out. Mom apparently apologized to her for the way things have been these past few weeks (months?). I'm worried about talking to her when she gets home. I have never had an honest to god sit-down adult conversation with my mother about anything. ANYTHING. I'm not comfortable with telling her what's actually going on in my life. I tell her what she wants to hear, because I don't want to deal with her reaction.

I'm not in the best state of mind for pouring out my heart right now, my thoughts are too scattered, and aren't deep enough for me to actually write about. Things just keep floating to the front of my mind to taunt and confuse me, only to drift off and change into something else before I can be productive about it. I should be doing something to keep myself busy.

Time to clean the whole house in time for mom to get home tomorrow.

the most awful and wonderful dream i've ever had...

I don't even remember exactly what was happening, or why.

We were trying to escape from these people, and we were at a mall...I think. Anyway, it's me, my sisters, the guy robbie likes (who is godric from true blood. but he's not a vampire, slightly tanner, and extremely flirtatious. here's a picture.
like I said, cute.)

anyway, we were running away from the bad guys, but Godric started getting really flirty with me. Like affectionate touching flirty. I told him I had a boyfriend, and he said everyone has someone where he's from, and that it didn't matter (I don't think my subconscious decided if he was from England, or from Egypt like in the show.) Either way, Robbie got pissed and stormed off.
Godric and I tried to steal the bad guys' jeep from the parking lot, it wouldn't start (the light on the dash said car is dry, i'm assuming that's dream land's version of the gas light).

Dream goes on, things get better, but then I wake up, cursing my alarm for going off.

Now I feel slightly bad, but not at the same time. Not like I can control what I dream about.

Besides, that's the first time I've had a good dream in a very very very long time.

its getting better all the time...

Why on earth am I doing this? I really don't know anymore.
I thought maybe I was just being too sensitive, and a bitch about it. You're a nice guy, and you seem to actually care about me. So I thought it would be best if I just relax a bit, not let so many things get to me.

And the next day you stomp all over my feelings.

Stupidest part is I don't even really remember what we said. But I DO, rather distinctly, remember that you were mean to me because you had a bad night. How is that fair to me?

And I told you anything that comes out of her mouth is poison, and she's been trying to break us up since we started dating. Yet you're still taking relationship advice from her?

What does she know about giving advice, anyway? Is it really a good idea to take relationship advice from a lying cheating bitch that does nothing but take pleasure from breaking peoples' hearts?

I know that was kind of harsh, but I'm tired of being nice.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling like shit all day after talking to you.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of worrying all the time.

Things shouldn't be this way.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Peter:

Me
i just don't even know what to do anymore.
i feel like all we're doing is fighting anymore :/:/
and i don't know if i'm instigating them without knowing it
or if he's just being that much of an ass.

Peter
Yeah, it seems like a rough time
You guys need to sit down and talk it out
Then you'll know if he's the ass or if you are.
(or if it's mutual)
Me
it has to be over the phone, with the 150 miles between us
and every time we do, we'll just start to work something out, then he says something else that upsets me

Peter
Yeah, but you guys can do it over the phone. You just need to really try and talk it out
Well, I'd take that as a sign that it's at least partially him instigating

Me
and on top of that, he keeps bringing up old fights....i guess he never got his chest clear about them?
i don't knoiw
*know
i don't have anything else to say about them, and I keep telling him that
but he's apparently still upset at me for things from a long time ago.

Peter
Hmm, that's no good
He's gotta let to learn to let the small shit from the past go

Me
from what he said it isn't small shit to him, which is fine with me
but i don't know what else he wants me to say

Peter
Yeah, that's a hard nut to crack

Me
what am i supposed to do about things that have already happened?

Peter
You can
't do shit
Sorry, keyboard slipped

Me
no worries
and exactly what I told him

Peter
Yeah, I know you told him - you and I handle these things similarly.
We don't let shit slide that easy.

Me
and another thing, when he's upset with me, he sure lets me know

Peter
Yeah, like too much?

Me
but if i'm upset with him, he kinda just says whatever about it

Peter
Yeah, that's also no good

Me
no not too much, but he'll keep ringing it back up.

Peter
That probably needs to stop, ASAP

Me
i asked him why he kept bringing up old stuff, and i guess Claudia was talking with him about me and she brought a lot of it back up
and when he and i didn't talk for the day i was upset at him, he had his best friend try to talk to me and see how i was feeling why i was upset blah blah blah

Peter
Hmm
Wow

Me
and i told him that that's between me and him and no one else

Peter
That's no good

Me
and he didn't seem to understand that.

Peter
Ugh
This isn't sounding so great, babe

Me
i know :(:(
but I just don't know what to do about it

Peter
Yeah, I'm not sure what to tell you

Me
i can't handle all the mess that comes with a breakup right now

Peter
Becuase if I were in your situation, I'd be pretty conflicted.

Me
haha
extremely
add in old feelings for a good friend
makes it that much more interesting

Peter
Yeah
150 miles is a bad distance to break up over.

Me
exactly :/:/

Peter
It'd have to via phone, or something, at best, plus tons of drama

Me
plus the fact that he's a sig, which means if his feelings are super hurt, all of his brothers could end up hating me
and i don't think i could lose that many friends
especially over something like this

Peter
Well, you can't let the fear of losing friends keep you in the relationship.
Because that's a really unfair relationship.

Me
i know :/:/

Peter
At the same time, I know that will mke it hurt more when it ends, but there will always be the Pete's and Santi's there regardless.
And not all the Sig Chi's would hate you, you're too awesome.

Me
way to make me cry before noon, Peter :P:P

Peter
Sorry
<3<3

Me
lol

Peter
words of love

Me
i know
Peter
I almost want to make "Way to make me cry before noon, Peter" my status

Me
go for it

Peter
Way to make me bust a gut before noon, Courtney

Me
lol

Peter
But, in all seriousness, do what you gotta do, babe.

Me
i don't even know what to say

Peter
Yeah, it's hard sometimes

Me
i guess it'll all work out
somehow, anyway

Peter
Yeah, it all does
At the end of the day, Pete will still be there, yelling at Boyo to hit the bong again.




Megan:

Megan
so i hear from pete u r having Jason troubles

Me
yeah :/:/
i don't even know what to do with him anymore.

Megan
are you guys just too different?
or is the distance what is hurting u

Me
the distance is hurting him
i'm dealing
he's acting like a whiny baby.

Megan
yea

Me
i told him that him saying things like "i miss you so much" and all that ick 20 million times a day was driving me nuts
so he said fine, i won't say anything again
i'll keep it to myself
and when i tried to explain its not that i don't want him to tell me when he's upset, that i just need him to be okay with the distance because its going to be like this for a while
he didn't seem to get it.
then he was hurt that when i visited merced i didn't spend every single minute with him
and the only reason why i didn't was because he didn't have anything he wanted to do
he ended up playing computer games while i sat there bored, and people got a hold of me and made plans, then he got upset

Megan
ok i am going to be sister honest (aka to honest)

Me
yeah

Megan
you guys are not right for eachother
he is a nice guy but he is a "Spend every moment and hold my hand" guy
you are a "I like you but I have a life" girl

Me
i'm starting to see that, but don't know how to approach this with him :/:/

Megan
yea that i do not know either

Me
he's going to a rave thursday/friday
claudia bought his ticket

Megan
wow

Me
and then he tried to get me to go.
hah
a

Megan
yea that sounds like as much fun as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick

Me
seriously
and he asked me like a million times you sure you sure? i want you to go, it won't be the same without you, you should go
after me explaining i shouldn't spend the money and have no way of getting there, and that it would be too irresponsible for me to go.
he doesn't seem to understand that when I say no i mean it.

Megan
hmm
he is an odd one

Me
plus, he still throws in the extremely unneccesary guilt trip at the end of every message when we're fighting
after i've asked him to stop.
they don't work on me, they just make me extremely angry that you're trying to use them on me.

Megan
wow
that is insane

Me
i don't know what to do with him anymore.


thanks for listening, you guys.

summer solstice

I turned 20 years old yesterday.
Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, wonderful, and terrifying.

I had the best birthday ever, thanks to mom, sis, and my best friends.

I keep fighting with Jason, though :(
Over the littlest things...
One morning, after him falling asleep before I could call him, I wake up to a message saying "If you really cared about seeing me, you would make it happen."
He KNOWS I have no mode of transportation, no money to be spending, no way I can go down and spend time just hanging out and playing around. I didn't talk to him all day because I was upset, then he ignored me for another 18 hours after I said I was ready to talk when he was.

Eventually, he told me why he was upset with me, though there's nothing to do about it now. I tried to explain why I did what I did, and why I feel the way about it that I do, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't listening.

Today I finally told him it really bothers me when he texts me a million and a half times a day. Well, I asked him why he felt the need to, then I told him it bothers me. I told him if I don't reply he really doesn't need to leave me between 5 and ten messages in two hours, and he doesn't need to talk to me all day every day. I told him he needs to relax and stop worrying so darn much about everything, and he said fine, I won't talk to you first anymore, I'll wait for you to talk to me.

This is after him and I already getting into it about the nasty little snide remarks he likes to put at the end of his messages to try and make me feel guilty for whatever.
I told him to quit it, that I don't feel bad, it just makes me angry that he's trying to make me feel that way.

After all of that, he does and goes it again.

I just don't even know what to do with him anymore.

I keep telling him these things bother me, and he just goes and keeps at it.

Though he hasn't messaged me since we talked earlier...

Mom keeps saying I should break up with him. I'm awfully fucking tired of hearing that. It's my decision, and honestly, it's none of her god damned business anyway.

I'm tired of the people that I actually fall for hurting me, I really am.

On a brighter note, I sunbathed, swam, ate chocolate cake, and turned in job applications today. Fingers crossed.

telephone

not at the club, but jason is starting to really worry me
he likes to tell me multiple times a day how sad he is that i'm not there and now much he misses me and how much he wants me to be there and how much he misses me and he misses me so much and he's so sad...its starting to drive me nuts :(

i miss him, very much. but that's just aggravating.

on top of that, the self medicating is starting to bother me. a lot.
his reasoning is he can't do anything about feeling depressed, and since there's no reason for him to feel like that, smoking until he doesn't care about anything anymore is okay.

i AM NOT okay with that. ask anyone i know, i am down 100% for legalization, and have no issues with smoking. the majority of my friends and close family do, and i do on occasion (though high courtney has a tendency to go catatonic....) i really have no problem with it. but self medicating is just running away. running away from your problems is one of the worst things in the world to me. i'm not saying taking a break and some time for yourself is bad, not at all. but pushing things away and making yourself forget things because you can't deal with them? that's one of the reasons i'm still so upset with my mother after my sister's death. she couldn't deal with it, couldn't handle it, so she ran. she uprooted her entire family and everything she had going for her, and ran away.

i know i'm being selfish, and if i hadn't moved, many fantastic things wouldn't have come into my life. so that's probably a bad example. whatever, this is my space to vent, and vent i will.

he specifically said that he was getting high so he didn't have to feel sad. that he didn't want to deal with it, that he wanted to push it away to oblivion.

fuck. that.

so for now, i'm going to ignore him. let him realize he did something i'm not okay with (which i already told him), let him sober up, and we can talk about this tomorrow. i'll probably end up crying, make him feel terrible about it all, and hopefully he'll never do it again (though this rarely happens- hopefully at least he'll think twice before doing it again.) (here ya go boys, a look into how a woman's mind works when she's upset)

i am far from happy right now.
haha, fantastic. tomorrow is three months together. perfectly timed.

i'm getting nauseous

just got an email from the school.
yay for academic probation!
i am sick to my stomach right now. and Jason is trying to help, and only making it worse.

i need to go do something. i don't know what, but I can't sit here and just think, its starting to drive me nuts.

and Megan, I love you, but if you're reading this, do it as a friend and not an Officer. I can't deal with that right now. I'm more than sure it will be taken care of next semester.

so.

I have been home for a whole three days.

THREE DAYS.

And mom is already getting on my case for not having a fucking job.

I just dropped off an application today, and guess that I did it wrong.

She said she doesn't make me pay rent because I came home to save my money and work, but since I'm not working I need to be busting my ass at cleaning the house.

Now if the house was trashed, I could see where this is coming from. But seeing as I just cleaned, and everything is in it's place, she's off her fucking rocker.

I just want to leave.
FUCK

rawr.

Shit has been going down.

Told Jason the things Claudia has said to me, it seems like her world is starting to fall apart. Jason and Brad are both mad at her for their own respective reasons. I feel bad, I didn't mean to mess up their friendships...but I didn't know what else to do. The things she was saying were really starting to hurt my feelings, and he wanted to know what exactly she said. I didn't even tell him everything, since it was literally beating a dead horse at that point.

Got home, dealing with friend drama. This is okay so far, but lets see how things go once alcohol is involved.

I miss Jason like bonkers, but I'll be okay.

I told mom about changing my major. She is NOT happy.

She also thinks that Jason is nothing special.
Along with this, I want Jason to come and visit when my grandma gets here, because that's the weekend after our 3 month anniversary. But mom said if I'm going to act like that already, then I can go act like that somewhere else.
Wtf is that supposed to mean?

Guess what, I don't care what she thinks. And this is starting to sound like a horrible movie cliche, but I love him. So it really doesn't matter what she thinks.
I just wish she would like him for his sake.

Lets see where this summer leaves me. It'll be a bumpy ride.

Green eyed monster?

Jason: where were u?
me: when?
Jason: after work?
me: ummm i just got to work?
Jason: my work
i txted you to give you ur money and never heard anything...
me: i didn't get one :/
Jason: did you go to lunch with whatever?
me: whoever?31123001515918
eek
Jason: idk lol
me: yeah, i went to lunch with josh
Jason: off campus?
me: and steve asked if we wanted to play video games since we all had to be at work at 6
yeah
h&w
Jason: who is this josh?
me: a friend that i work with
?
Jason: oh okay
he make any moves?
me: are you serious?
Jason: lol
i meant that jokingly
me: didn't sound that way
Jason: forgot it doesnt translate to aim
me: jealousy translates well :P
Jason: i wasnt jealous.....
i trust you, no need to be jealous
I PASSED OPERATING SYSTEMS F*CK YA
me: i know :)
subject change fail though
Jason: im starting at it amazed
just wanted to share
me: you already told me that one :P
and that sri didn't
and is probably super pissed
Jason: ya brad did also
YAY
me: yay!
but fail still
Jason: sorry
me: mrrr
Jason: mrrrr to you to


And that was the end of that line of convo
I gave up on him changing the subject.

Many things i can deal with, but a jealous boyfriend is NOT one. I have more guy friends than girl friends. He's going to have to get used to that, and he's going to have to do it fast, or I'm just going to get pissed off and resentful. And maybe a little vindictive and belligerent. Because that's generally what happens when I get irritated.


And I don't think I'm over reacting, this is the third time in less than a week that something like this has happened.

houston, we have a problem...

so, talking to Jason this morning, he said he was really upset with himself after we woke up the other morning and saw the mass amount of hickeys/teeth marks on my chest/shoulder area.

when I asked him why, he said because he wasn't raised that way. after asking for clarification, it was clear that he meant he was raised to not hurt/harm women.

does that count? it's pretty common knowledge amongst the people that read this that I am not a vanilla kind of person (sorry if this is over-sharing, Pete), that a little bit of pain is actually really a turn on.

but, the way he said it, he sounded legitimately upset with himself.

what to do? if it bugs him I don't want to make him uncomfortable, but at the same time, it's what I'm into...

???

mauled by a bear?

COVERED.
thanks, Jason.

where did the time go?

a week left.
a fucking week.
good and bad all at once.
i get to get out of town, go home where things are familiar and comfortable and where i never feel like i don't belong, to my friends who know me better than i know myself, and to my family.

but to the people that are leaving....i don't know what i will do without you guys. i have gotten pretty close to some seniors, but two more specifically than anyone else:

brad, you're such a fantastic person...i wish all of this shit didn't happen your last semester of your senior year, but i know you'll be alright. you are a sweetie, and any girl would be lucky to be with a guy like you.

jason....i don't even know what to say. you're silly and you're funny and you make me laugh and smile. you make things better when the world starts to suck, and you mean more to me than you could understand. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself when you leave.

thank god for friends who know you when you're sad and can handle you until you're feeling better. i'm going to need them.

WOW, Jason....

me: i'm hungry >.<

Jason: i think we might get some food in the dc b4 class
what would you like?

me: i've got a dinner date with my roomie after work
but thanks anyway :)

Jason: oh fine then shit
went from bring me dinner to dinner date with a roomie lol

me: i was kidding earlier :P

Jason: lol i wasnt =P

me: haha

Jason: but i c i've been replaced :P

me: oh goodness.
she needs to spend her catcard money :P

Jason: lol
sure sure sure

me: and office hours start at 830

Jason: whatev lets you sleep at night

me: you sir are belligerent.
i'm going to need you to calm down.

Jason: lol
i am a sig on the third floor
gotta live up to the legend

me: so you're belligerent squared atm
that's way too intense forme
*for me

Jason: lol
if you cant take the heat get out of the kitchen :P

me: i don't have a kitchen :(

Jason: you have mine, only used once
lol

me: that's maddie's kitchen
i can't encroach on her turf like that

Jason: she said you could
and fuck that
if it's for me i will drive maddie away

me: either way, i am not in a kitchen, so it would be impossible and illogical for me to get out of one.

Jason: hey now it's an expression

me: yes, but being contrary is ever so much fun!

Jason: lol ur beligerent
ma'am
you need to calm down

me: i beg to differ
i am not on the third floor

Jason: beg ignored

me: nor am i a member of sigma chi
see, that was belligerency
meanieface.

Jason: lol
but you are dating one
so you are majorly beligerent just like tori and brown

me: i disagree.

Jason: tori is def beligerent and so are you, hmm we must be rubbing off on you guys

me: i am not!

Jason: i beg to differ? i offer you dinner that you demanded and i get rejected, textbook belligerency

me: :O
how rude!

Jason: i know right?

me: I meant on your part!
you are twisting my words and the situation to your benefit.

Jason: am not!!

me: THAT is a perfect example of YOUR belligerency/
not mine.

Jason: now i am def pulling your leg
not twisting anything around

me: i know you're kiddiing
:P
way to break character and ruin all the fun, meanieface

Jason: am i?
are you sure?

me: you're either kidding or a liar...
hmmm....

Jason: or did you just scar me emotionally by rejecting me so hard
hmmm ur call

me: know anyone that needs an extra grad ticket?

Jason: maybe why? did you get urs?

me: i get mine this week

Jason: yay!!!

me: i get to help with parking and transportation!
yay!
lol

Jason: what??? ur working???
WHAT

me: only for the first part
calm yourself, sir

Jason: MRRRRR

me: just have your mom save me a seat :)

Jason: convo over!!!!

me: i get to watch the actual commencement ceremony
i just have to work that morning.
i know corine needed one, but if a brother does i'd rather give it to a sig first...

Jason: Jason is not here right now, please leave a message after the beep........ beep

me: ^^^
wait
shit
don't remember if i asked for the extra ticket or not

Jason: beep end of message

me: i just replied asking if i can still get one.

Jason: Would you like to re-record the message or send it?

me: delete

Jason: Jason is not here right now, please leave a message after the beep........ beep

Jason: beep end of message
Please hang up and try again
click
Jason: Ring ring ring ring banana phone banana phone!!!!!!!

i am a major fail.

apparently i had a conversation with jason last night while i was asleep.

we were talking about families, and how i have a big ass hick one, and something something something, then i said something else, and i remember waking up to him saying "because all of my great-grandpa's family died in the concentration camps"

WTF

fucking fail, courtney.

why?

"Jason,
I love you, you're amazing. You deserve nothing less than the best. Remember that, don't settle."

a note left on Jason's car by the person that does not approve of me dating him.

i want to cry at how unfair and malicious that is.

just glad to help :)

so brad was freaking out freaking out.
big presentation due, and he was nowhere near done.
from the way he was sounding, and the fact that he kept asking whether or not i thought he should even go, it sounded like he was completely ready to give up.

i talked to him for a while, kinda leading on that he shouldn't give up, but not outright saying that. i also suggested he talk to the prof and see if he could maybe give it another day.

our convo from just now:

myseriechick (5:23:43 PM): so what did he say?
Difolo06 (5:23:58 PM): No additional time slots
Difolo06 (5:24:11 PM): but I Think im just gonna say fuck it and say everything that I have
Difolo06 (5:24:19 PM): thank you sooooooooooo much for your help!
myseriechick (5:24:22 PM): did you get more done?
myseriechick (5:24:29 PM): and i didn't really do anything :P
Difolo06 (5:27:12 PM): Yes im just gonna try to get 10 slides
Difolo06 (5:27:14 PM): at 7 atm
Difolo06 (5:27:33 PM): and you did, you encouraged me, I appreciate it
myseriechick (5:28:02 PM): :)


it's nice hearing that you're appreciated :)

you're in my blood like holy wine...

you taste so bitter, and so sweet
i could drink a case of you
and i would still be on my feet
i would still be on my feet.

<3

it's been a little while. Jason and I talked things out, and even after an extremely terrible weekend things are starting to look better.

so. had a talk last night with Jason about me being a deviant of sorts.
this is either going to turn out extremely well or horrendously.

lets see how this plays out.

formal is on friday, and i still don't have a dress :(

he really doesn't get it. :(

Jason: Lol so busy day today and recovery day tom?
Fun times

me: you have a recovery day tomorrow?

Jason: No you said u were

me: no, not a recovery day honey
its going to be more like "i'd rather stay in bed because i ran out of smiles and sunshine" day

Jason: Oh ill just shut up now

me: ??

Jason: What? Ur not happy?

me: not particularly, and that's okay, but i can't pretend to be happy tomorrow.

Jason: Will I be able to give you a hug?

me: i don't plan on seeing anyone tomorrow :/

Jason: I mean today

me: don't we usually take break at the same time?

Jason: I'm not working today
And I'm rlly sorry :(

me: ah i forgot about that...
don't be sorry.

Jason: :( I'm sorry you feel bad :(

me: jason, i told you when i explained everything you can't be sorry, you didn't do anything
its okay that i'm sad, it happens. but you can't be sorry for it.

Jason: I'm sorry I can't make it better but alright

me: please just don't say you're sorry.

Jason: Aight aight

tomorrow is going to SUCK.

haven't decided if i want to keep busy or stay in my room all day.
i just might do the second
study for my bio test
that kind of thing
i work tomorrow night though.

i am so frustrated with jason right now. and when i say this, i guess i'm not all that frustrated. but sort of. he doesn't seem to be able to grasp the fact that i do NOT want to fool around with him when he isn't sober. and i've told him that multiple times. when is he going to realize i mean it?

i asked him last night why he was so upset on friday, and he told me to not worry about it, it doesn't matter anymore. i don't know if i'm okay with that or not.

i'm leaning towards not.

Jason: :(
And 8am class weds?

me: yepyep
i'm probably not going though

Jason: Hmmm :)

me: ?

Jason: Win? Maybe we can actually watch a movie? Hahahaha

me: i've got my physics hw tonight and poster making with lauren, and i'm spending all day in bed tomorrow...

Jason: What time r u done with lauren and u can spend mosttime in my bed :) hahaha win?

me: umm, no honey, i'm gonna spend the day in my bed tomorrow. i need to be by myself.

Jason: Awww aight I'm sorry...

me: for what?

Jason: Pushin it

me: its okay.

raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawr

he woke me up early this morning because he had a bad dream, but he wouldn't tell me what it was.

i've been so drained lately....i just don't know why. i mean, if i knew why, it would be easier to deal with. but i have no energy, no patience, and no will to deal with anything. i'm feeling pretty used up.

i need this semester to be over already.

Angela says I have balls, I say I'm just tired of her shit.

Hey I know what I said kinda sucked because I was really stressing about planning. There are so many things that were kinda built up which came out in that those text but I would like to try to talk it out if you are willing. Just you and me not lauren or anyone else and we can tell each other the whole truth.

Claudia, if you want to talk we can, but I’m not sure what good will come of it. I’ve stood by you through so much and time and time again I’ve watched you hurt people you say you love. What you said Saturday finally made me realize I don’t need that in my life.

That’s fine. Idk where the many people part came from because I try not to be a horrible person. And what happens in my life has explanations but you were never close enough to hear explanations. But I don’t want to have to avoid you all the time or feel that tension all the time.

If there is any tension to worry about it’s on your end. I don’t mean that in a rude way, I’m just trying to say it’s not like I’m going to be awkward or mean, and I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, I would just rather not spend time with you.

Doesn’t hurt at all because we never really spend time in general. Im glad you are telling me but I need you to take blame for something because you are telling me everything is my fault and there is no way everything is my fault because it takes two to let something like this happen.

What have I done? I have been completely on the sidelines and been there while people talk about how you’ve hurt them. I’ve been there for people when you weren’t. What blame should I take for that?


....and no reply.

Hate

All I wanted was your love love love love love love
Hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you
Now that it's over, I don't even know what I liked about you.
I brought you around, and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you.

I love this song.

Wednesday is going to be tough. And guess what? It's also TWLOHA day. Way to be all spot on and such.

My chest is iiiiiitchy. I think I'm having some kind of a reaction :/ but to what is the question....
I wonder how I type. Now that I'm trying to figure out which finger does what, I'm having a really hard time typing.

I deleted Claudia from my facebook, because as Lauren put it, facebook is for friends. I also adopted Angela, because she needs a proper big sister.

Jason seemed to really like his present. I hope he actually likes it.

I think the graphs we're using in Psych were made in R. How strange.

I almost killed her.

First message (which I actually read second):
Hey are you pitching in for jason's birthday?

Second message (which I read first):
I need as much help financially [as possible] with his party and i thought you as his girlfriend would wanna help

My reply:
You know what claudia, I find it extremely rude and uncouth that you would say that. Don't you think if I could I would?

Her response:
I find it extremely rude that you aren't asking around for people to help but you are bringing people to drink. I don't have money either but i found fifty for jason because he means a lot to me and he deserves it. If you haven't noticed he likes one of five things alcohol. [this last sentence didn't even make sense to me.]

My reply:
Excuse me? Who have I invited? And I have been asking. I really don't appreciate this.

Her response:
I know you aren't coming alone. Don't say you haven['t] invited your friends. Sorry to say i have all the right to ask for your help because it seems like i care more than you about his feelings and thats sad. Do what you want because no matter what jason is gonna have a good birthday thanks to his best friends.


--

I was screaming profanities at this point. I think I scared Cesar, since I hadn't made any mention of being upset before this, and had continued to play Mario Party like nothing was wrong up until her last message.

I can't believe she said that. How DARE she. I didn't even want to go last night, but thank goodness for voices of reason. Things would have been so much worse if I wasn't there.

With this last week finally over, hopefully things will get better.

Whatever, it's time for a lake day.

small and broken

I am sorry if I even once demonstrated the ugly side. I'm sure I did, and I feel terrible. I completely agree, it shouldn't be the way it us. It brings out some of the worst parts of us.

I know you couldn't see it, but it also brought out something amazing. My sisters can be so catty, so mean to each other...and all of that fell away this week. I've never seen these girls work so hard and so cohesively together. It really is amazing, and that is why I thanked the men last night. For giving me and my sisters something to rally around, something to bring us together and act the way we should.

I am so so so sorry you were put in the middle of things. I understand why you're so upset, I am disappointed in some of us as well. Hopefully the kinks and things will work out in years to come so the ugliness of this past week can be avoided.

Whew.

Jason is upset with me. He thinks we don't spend enough time together, that I don't want to spend time with him. I really want to go up to him and slap him across the face. I am so hurt right now I don't even know how to explain it.

He was supposed to go to his fraternity's event last night, and didn't tell me until I was on the way there that he wasn't going to show up. When I asked why, he said he didn't want to be there when the winners were announced. I understood that, and even though I wanted him to be there, I didn't say anything, even though I had hoped he would be there to support his brothers, and support me in the competition.

I asked him afterward if I was going to see him at his brothers house, that I wanted him to go because I had barely seen him in the past few days, and no reply.

I sent him a message when I got home saying I was in bed, and I guess I would talk to him tomorrow, he said he was glad I had a good time. I said I wished he had gone, he said he didn't feel like it because he wasn't in the mood to socialize. I asked him if he was upset, and he said yes, but he didn't want to talk about it then. So I said goodnight.

Angela came up to me today at bobcat day and said I needed to talk to Jason, because he was upset because he feels like I don't want to spend time with him.

I don't want to spend time with HIM?

The past week has been insane. Trying to participate in Derby Days as much as possible, while balancing school, and work, and taking care of Jason's birthday present....the time I do have to spend with him, he doesn't feel like hanging out. What does he want from me? I'm sorry I have other responsibilities. I'm sorry I have had so many tests lately, and so many things I have had to take care of. I'm sorry that in the free time I have had, I couldn't spend every waking moment of it with him.

I can't even do this right now.

just breathe.

So, I woke up at 830.
Not usually a problem, but I had an 8am midterm.

Thank goodness it's a two hour class.

I took my test, and had time to spare, so that was okay.

I'm freaking out right now because the last time I self injured (last april) was because I slept through a midterm.

I'm okay, it just scared the hell out of me when I realized that halfway through my test. I had to stop and take a minute because I started hyperventilating.

I hope I didn't frighten the TA's....

would you light my candle?

feeling completely drained all of the sudden, for no apparent reason.
and completely completely. physically, mentally, and emotionally.

kind of a sick to my stomach feeling.

I just want to go home.

Go back to Roseville, get a job, maybe an apartment with Vanessa....
Things would be so much simpler.
I don't want to deal with all of this :(

feeling kinda nauseous

and not because my tummy hurts, its just the only way i can think to describe how i'm feeling at the moment.

Jason wants me to meet old roommates of his. I'm extremely uncomfortable with this for some reason.

Last night, he was a little belligerent. And when I say a little I mean quite a bit. They were extremely twisted when I got there, and then when we got to Chris and Jordan's, he started following me around like a puppy on a leash. This is really starting to bother me. Why can't he just go and do his thing with his friends so I can sit and chat and dance with mine? We don't have to spend every minute together >.<

I'm kind of upset with him. He wanted to fool around last night, and he didn't really seem to understand I was NOT in the mood. I know he was pretty messed up, but I literally had to spell it out for him. And when I said I didn't want to because he wasn't sober, he made some joke about sobering up. I just rolled over and went to sleep at that point.

I'm tired of the drama between friends right now. It's dumb and not worth anyone's time, and is just hurting people over and over and over.

Tell me why when I'm in a relationship, I get hit on by five different guys within an hour, but when I'm single, no one really notices me. What the fuck is that?

Still feeling nauseous. I'm convinced its from being upset, not from any food or lack thereof. I'm going to call Tori, I need a cigarette and park afternoon.

There is a kitty outside my dorm, and she's pregnant. I want to get some cat food and start putting out a bowl for her, but I'm afraid that Richards will eat it all. Maybe I can just feed her in the morning...

enter, stage left

yeah, definitely down now.

i'm realizing this semester will also be for shit.
midterms tomorrow? going to fail them.
everyone keeps reminding me that Jason is leaving after this semester.
i'm frustrated at myself for being so attached to him already.
i don't want to be here at work and feeling all of this and just smiling along like a good customer service rep.
what i want to do is crawl into bed, just sleep until i can't sleep anymore, and say fuck it all.

tell me why....

i decided to completely tear my room apart last night
raise my bed by myself (without taking the mattress off)
stack my drawers
almost throw out my back
get hot and sweaty and sore doing it
finally clean my room (minus my desk- ran out of time)
and collapse into bed at about 130, only to wake myself up at 9?


i'm afraid that i'm heading towards a not-so-happy period :/ but here's hoping otherwise, right?

i kind of just want to curl up in a little ball and be petted and held. that sounds nice.

time to get my classes together for next semester.
i told my dad's side of the family that i was changing my major, but i still haven't told my mom. lets see how things go.

strawberry fields, nothing is real

and nothing to get hung about...strawberry fields forever
living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see
its getting hard to be someone, but it all works out
it doesn't matter much to me.

i. love. this. song.



"What's with the jokes, all the routines they play
Screw with my head, never cave til they get their way
Guys like to run, chicks like to yell you see
Guys hate to fight, girls think its therapy"

gotta love Blink.

i need to get out and do something and not sit and stew in my room.

easter weekend

kind of a fail.
we get to bruce and julie's, i get to take a shower, and things are fine and dandy
sitting on the front porch smoking with robbie (because they still don't know i smoke so i couldn't in the back yard with everyone else)
and a guy rides up on this yellow honda.
robbie and i laugh to each other, and i say "who's this douchebag?", but quietly enough only she hears me
the guy takes his helmet off, and lo and behold its mom's ex, Shawn.
I laugh at the fact that was so perfect, but then after about 2 seconds the humor wears off and I'm left to the realization that the day was going to SUCK.

i still blame him for my mom and dad splitting up- i always will.
he's an asshole.
i honestly hate him at times.
and though he was kind of a douchebag yesterday, it wasn't as bad as i've seen him.

what really hurt me was hearing my mom and my uncle talk shit about my dad.
i know they have every right to feel however they want to towards him, and even though my mom doesn't like me seeing my dad, she doesn't stop me from it.
she tries her best to never say anything negative about him, because she knows he means a lot to me.
bruce, on the other hand, almost got the shit beat out of him. he started trash talking, and wouldn't stop for about 5-10 minutes, even after i started crying. so, i left. i got mom's keys and grabbed gabbie and we went and saw my dad.

i remember growing up and easter being a dry holiday- it was for the kids, not the parents, so there was no alcohol allowed. i wish things had stayed that way, yesterday would have been a lot easier on me.

i don't really know what to think about the most of yesterday, all i know is i remember why i hated family holidays so much when i was younger.

i guess this is growing up.

i feel hurt.
i feel kicked around a bit.
i feel betrayed.
i feel unloved.

now its time for me to stand up, brush all that off, and be there if she needs me to be.

what the heck?

feeling kinda down atm
not sure why, i don't really have a reason to.
i blame it on hormones, thats what it usually is when i'm upset for no definite reason.

jason is being silly and not catching on that i WILL NOT talk about my little and her personal life with him, it isn't his place to stick his nose. don't mean to sound frustrated, i'm just extremely protective of her.

he gives in far too easily. i love to argue. but only when someone will argue right back, not say oh okay you're right. WOMEN ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. its EXTREMELY frustrating when a guy follows that. CHALLENGE ME. have an opinion. speak up. TELL ME YOU THINK I'M WRONG. just don't always assume that you're right.

i feel like watching eternal sunshine :/

i need to go back to merced.

i need sand and sunshine, i think. lake day coming up soon.

i miss my mommy. i was practically crying when i was on the phone with her.

i hate being a girl.

i've just seen a face...

i can't forget the time
or place where we just met
she's just the girl for me
and i want all the world to
see we've met...mmmm mmmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

I feel like I need to paint.
What, I don't know.
I might ask my mom to bring me acrylics and a canvas when she comes
She's already bringing my cello :)
Maybe I just need more ways of expressing myself. Who knows.

I miss her. Something terrible.
We need to sit down and have coffee and talk Sunday morning.
I need to tell her about Jason, and that I am dropping math, and I think I'll wait until this summer to tell her about my major change.

I'm feeling kind of down right now for some reason :/

I need a hug.

dramadramadrama

just talked with Jason for over an hour
about all of the shit that's going on in our circle of friends.
he's been hearing other peoples' sides to things, and in the spirit of fairness, I told him mine.
ALL of mine.
Including the conversation that Claudia had with me about "someone" telling her that I was planning on leaving him for Brad.

I hope that doesn't make him insecure :/
I stressed many many times how it wasn't true and it upset me that people were saying that, and that I was afraid of him getting his feelings hurt over it.

I know its unfair to assume that it was Angela, but honestly, I can't help but jump to that conclusion.

And I can't even begin to describe how much my feelings are hurt that Claudia would believe Angela over me...I've been there with and for her, as she has with and for me. In just over a year and a half, we've been through many trying situations, and things always work out in the end for us. I hope things are the same this time :/
I can honestly say that I have more respect for her than any other Kappa does, so it really stings that she would believe someone she practically just met over me, but like I said, things will be worked out.

Thank you Jason for listening to my bad dream, and I'm sorry we got into the conversation we did tonight about all of this, but thank you for making me feel better about it all :)

Downey, CA

currently watching that 70's show with lbinac
was playing starcraft, enough of that for now
50 boxes of cookies for 50 crates of milk?
hahahaha
huuuuunnnngggwwwwyyyyyy

To quote Kelso:
"It's thanksgiving- some people bake pies, we bake ourselves."

today was Bosta Chica beach. it was a little overcast and chilly, but we stayed out there for a few hours anyways.

Last night we went on a walk around the neighborhood, it was really nice :)

I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to Amoxicillin. My spots are fading, though.

I have the best boyfriend ever, even if sometimes he's a little too mushy gushy.

I want FOOOOOOOOOOOD.


And forget the people on that 70's show, I <3 STYX.

I think its a little strange how most of my blogs are random thoughts like this. I understand that this is here for me to write whatever I'm feeling, but its a little frustrating that sometimes my thoughts are so unorganized and vapid.

Oh well. time to make dinner with laurensarous!

tomorrow

suuuuper excited
cooking a traditional irish dinner for the boys
guiness beef, colcannon, and soda bread
sounds yummy!!!!
it'll be a late dinner, but late is better than never :D

boy issues over- I knew I'd be okay, it just took some time.
Couldn't be happier :)

Careless

"You're weak and you're gullible, and I don't care
You're a walking disaster, and I don't care
You cry yourself to sleep, and I don't care
You're wasting our time, and I don't care"

Is it possible to feel this way about myself?

If not the words, the feeling behind the song seems about right.

Overall, I had a nice time last night. Movies and ridiculous conversation with friends into the wee small hours of the morning is always guaranteed to be a good time, even it if means I'm only getting three hours of sleep before a 14 hour day. Besides, Jason really liked the kandi I made him, even if I did kind of goof it up a little.

Not going to lie, watching Angela shamelessly flirt with Brad was kinda not so much fun. But when we got back to campus she was acting awkward, like she was afraid I was going to do or say something.

As I've told Lauren, he ISN'T off-limits. I have no claim over the man, and he can do whatever with whomever he wants to.

I really do like Jason. He's a sweetheart. But part of me is wondering if that's what I want right now :( To counter that, a really large part of me is afraid that if things don't work out between me and him, I'll lose a lot of the good friends I've made. I don't want that to happen :( I've finally found a space where I'm happy and I can be me, I don't want that taken away from me so quickly.

What have I gotten myself into?

oh, Joe :P

myseriechick (2:13:15 AM): honestly, i have never felt the need to lie to you
joeameen (2:13:26 AM): i know, that's because i stand for truth and redbull
myseriechick (2:13:36 AM): truth, redbull, and rock climbing
myseriechick (2:13:38 AM): :)
joeameen (2:13:40 AM): word
joeameen (2:13:47 AM): you nailed it
joeameen (2:13:56 AM): facebook status worthy

hurt :(

I just saw video of a very sweet girl I met at the LGBT conference being beaten, tazed, and dragged along the asphalt during a protest she was helping lead at UCD yesterday.

I hope she's okay :(

I'm also being slowly ripped apart.

I hate boys.

Just thought I should throw that one in there.

i hate thinking of titles as well.

I went over to Jason's last night and we watched Where The Wild Things Are. I ended up staying over (keep your minds out of the gutter) and woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. It was rather nice.

He asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, but not in so many words. Which after talking with Claudia is a little gray to me. Is he my boyfriend now? Am I his girlfriend? When are those titles applicable?
He said he didn't really know much about "how relationships are supposed to work", but then again, neither do I. So what's the big deal there?

And about the whole thing- I am extremely frustrated and upset right now. There are so many things that already seem off...and its possible we aren't even "together" yet, whatever that means.

First off, Jason is a sweetheart. I love his personality, the fact that he's so caring, and so attentive, and nice, and he remembers things I say, and and and, I could go on for miles and miles about what I like about him. But part of me is slightly worried that even though I like all of these things about him, he isn't the type of person I see myself dating at this point in my life. What sounds right is someone who is nice, caring, funny, all of those fantastic qualities, but a complete asshole on the outside. I don't mean asshole in a mean way, more of a teasing way I guess. Like he acts like a jerk, but in all honesty he isn't. (Bryant comes to mind, but then I realize he was more of an asshole than a nice guy.) Also, Jason seems to have a very timid and submissive personality. This may be because I'm still getting to know him, but from the looks of it he isn't the take charge kind of guy. I have been through different phases in my life where I am attracted to different personalities, but right now, the take-charge asshole type is what I'm looking for. (A major part in why I can't see myself dating a girl at the moment- I tend to want to be the more dominant personality in the relationship when I am interested in a woman, and right now I just don't feel very dominant.)

Another thing is Jason tries SO hard. I don't think he realizes that he doesn't have to do all of these fantastic things to impress me, I like him, he just has to be himself. He has to be able to be real and open and honest and tell me what he's thinking and feeling and things like that. I appreciate the thought and effort, but he really doesn't have to try so darn hard.

I'm worried that he likes me more than I do him. I like him, and would love to get to know him better, but as of right now, I honestly don't know him very well. He's worked so hard on getting to know me, but I can count all of what I know about him on my fingers, which is a little strange.

I'm worried that I will scare him away. I'm afraid that I have so much going on with me that he won't know how to/won't want to/can't deal with my crazy. I don't mean to say that there is something wrong with me, but I have had my fair share of strange and upsetting things in my life. I don't want him to feel bad about any of it, or pity me in any way, or anything of the sort. If I were to tell him about any of it, I wouldn't really want a reaction from him- I would want him to take it into stride, and remember (just in general, I don't expect memorization, here), and just realize that when I'm down, I don't always need to talk, I just need someone there. The last thing I need is someone feeling sorry for me, or being awkward, or anything like that.
More than anything else, I'm worried about three things- talking about my self injury issues, my sister, and my daddy. I don't quite feel comfortable talking about any of those things with him. I mean if it comes up I'm always okay with talking about any of it, but right now it seems like he wouldn't react as I would like.

Jason and I don't have REAL conversations. We talk all the time, but about random things, or things from the past, or its just him asking questions about me. I feel that it is extremely important to be able to have an in-depth conversation with someone about anything and everything without having to try. I haven't had a good conversation with Jason about anything, sadly. Talking with Brad keeps reminding me of this, since we seem to have an awesome conversation every time we talk. I've never had to work on that in my life, stimulating conversation is just a part of all of my successful relationships. I need someone who is going to challenge me, ask me why I think the way I do, and then present me with a different opinion to make me think.

Not that it makes or breaks anything, but I don't think Jason is compatible with me when it comes to being sexual, either. He seems so shy...and I need someone who isn't afraid to jump me and push me against a wall. I have been feeling submissive in more ways than one, and playing top just doesn't sound appealing to me right now. Goodness knows I like to change things up a bit, and thoroughly enjoy being the switch that I am, but it gets so tiring having to be the dominant one all the time. But then again, who knows, things aren't like that at the moment. On another note, I am worried that both of our inexperience would make things awkward. But that's a horse of a completely different color.

I feel like I have so much more to say....but, seeing as I'm drawing a blank, and almost two in the morning, its time for bed.

*Edit
Now that I am awake and fully functioning again, I realized I forgot to mention a big worry. I am worried that I won't be the type of girlfriend that he's looking for. I am an extremely flirtatious person by nature. I like to be close with friends, and am very affectionate. I am afraid that he won't like this. I am certain being loyal won't be an issue, but at the same time I like dancing with different friends when I've been drinking (male and female, whoever wants to), I kiss friends on the cheek, I love long hugs...I am a physically affectionate type of person (again, minds out of the gutter.) Some people can't handle that. Its part of the reason that Jewel and I stopped dating. She wasn't okay with it, it seemed wrong to her that I did those things. What if he feels the same way? I don't want to hurt his feelings, or make him jealous, or anything of the sort.

Worst part about all of this? I feel like I can't tell any of it to him at risk of hurting his feelings, which is something I couldn't do right now.

More Cordova love :)

Courtney
how are you?

Erik
good just working on hw
you?

Courtney
watching unwrapped

Erik
with mark summers???!!!!

Courtney
yes?

Erik
shweet
love dat show

Courtney
me too
well
pretty much anything on food network at night
lol

Erik
i know
the food network cake challenges are the best

Courtney
o
m
g
yes
well
next to good eats
but thats because i love alton brown.

Erik
ow
goods eats is not as good as the challenge

Courtney
oh yes it is.

Erik
or the 30 minute meals
they are better than tyler's utlimate though
his show sucks
and i hate sandra lee!!!

Courtney
i don't think i know tyler's ultimate
i like dinner impossible though
and rachel ray can suck my dick.

Erik
ya that shows pretty awesome
and ya my dick
i'd fuck her and then make her make me food

Courtney
waah
her voice?
really?
imagine her coming.
>.<
nails on a chalkboard, sir.

Erik
ya she'd say "neat-o" when i was done
and i'd cover her in EVOO

Courtney
haha

fantastic evening!!!

went on my date with Jason :)
can't get this stupid grin off my face.

We went and got ice cream and watched Shutter Island. Let me just state for the record that movie is a TOTAL MIND FUCK.

He bought me flowers and a little teddy bear :D

but I have a physics midterm tomorrow
and haven't studied yet.

READYSETGO!

!!!!

Jason asked me out!
I told him yes, but he should ask me again today when he was 100% sober.

!!!!

temptation

frustration

....

the rest of the song doesn't apply.
XD

but seriously?
boy is persistent.
and i haven't decided if thats a good or a bad thing yet.
i don't really know what to think. does he like me? or is he just trying to get in my pants?
would i be okay with that?
i don't know.
my head is still too fuzzy from last night to be thinking about this.

yesterday....

minor setback. all better though.
while talking to Joe I realized that I have no reason to be so stressed out over this.
I barely know these boys. Why should I feel rushed?

back to center.

Cordova love

Erik

ugh i thought this semester was gonna be nothing but fun, but so far its been nothing but drama

12:26Courtney

i'm just trying to not be as down this semester

and it was working until this weekend

lol

12:26Erik

join the club

12:27Courtney

dude, i'm the fucking president.

we hold weekly meetings.

you should start going.

12:28Erik

is there beer at said meetings?

12:28Courtney

there could be

12:28Erik

shweet

conversation starts to slur....

FTBAJ19 (1:25:19 AM): one last question

myseriechick (1:25:22 AM): lol

myseriechick (1:25:24 AM): shoot

FTBAJ19 (1:25:46 AM): are you interested in brad? cuz if so i cant get in the middle of that

myseriechick (1:26:00 AM): *rolls eyes*

myseriechick (1:26:07 AM): conversation for another time, hun.

myseriechick (1:26:17 AM): get some sleep and i'll text you tomorrow okay?

FTBAJ19 (1:26:34 AM): lol aight but its a valid question, he's like my best friend

FTBAJ19 (1:26:53 AM): i just want whats best for the guy

myseriechick (1:27:09 AM): on the same note, do you know what howard thinks about lauren?

FTBAJ19 (1:27:15 AM): even if it means doing something id hate to do

FTBAJ19 (1:27:41 AM): hmm ill pull a you on that one and say tell me what she thinks first

myseriechick (1:27:59 AM): she doesn't know him but wouldn't mind getting to know him

FTBAJ19 (1:28:09 AM): eww piece of candy

myseriechick (1:28:17 AM): ?

FTBAJ19 (1:28:27 AM): damnit forgot who im dealing with

myseriechick (1:28:35 AM): ??

FTBAJ19 (1:28:38 AM): very nice lol

myseriechick (1:28:44 AM): i'm completely lost

myseriechick (1:28:45 AM): lol

myseriechick (1:28:50 AM): what does piece of candy mean?

FTBAJ19 (1:29:03 AM): lol family guy quote ill have to show u the episode someday

FTBAJ19 (1:29:14 AM): it will make sense once you c it

myseriechick (1:29:19 AM): nooooo

myseriechick (1:29:22 AM): eew family guy

myseriechick (1:29:24 AM): tell me now!

FTBAJ19 (1:29:25 AM): just a lil clip i mean

FTBAJ19 (1:29:37 AM): easier to explain in person believe me

myseriechick (1:29:53 AM): no tell me about howard!

FTBAJ19 (1:30:08 AM): he called her today

FTBAJ19 (1:30:13 AM): like he said he would

FTBAJ19 (1:30:42 AM): im pretty sure he will ask her out on a date dont rlly know what that entails dont know the asian ways yet

myseriechick (1:30:59 AM): he already asked her on a date lol

FTBAJ19 (1:31:07 AM): ya thought he did

myseriechick (1:31:15 AM): he wanted to take her to strings tonight after meeting but we got out too late

FTBAJ19 (1:31:15 AM): didnt want to b wrong lol

FTBAJ19 (1:31:25 AM): ohhhhh wow aight

FTBAJ19 (1:31:34 AM): than you know more than i do at this point

myseriechick (1:31:36 AM): hahah

myseriechick (1:31:40 AM): perks of being a girl

FTBAJ19 (1:31:54 AM): cept for other stuff im def not allowed to share

myseriechick (1:32:10 AM): ?

FTBAJ19 (1:32:42 AM): lol i dont get to know gossip stuff so you dont get to know our i guess version of gossip

myseriechick (1:33:14 AM): we pretty much spent the entire evening playing ho fa sho and connect the dots through makeouts and hook ups

FTBAJ19 (1:33:15 AM): i wanna c how this plays out though

myseriechick (1:33:16 AM): lol

myseriechick (1:33:17 AM): tell!

FTBAJ19 (1:33:28 AM): whoa what???

FTBAJ19 (1:33:41 AM): make out and hookups eh?

myseriechick (1:33:44 AM): yep

FTBAJ19 (1:33:47 AM): outs*

myseriechick (1:33:48 AM): was an interesting chart.

FTBAJ19 (1:33:58 AM): hmm where is it?

myseriechick (1:34:20 AM): hidden away and no boy will ever see it.

FTBAJ19 (1:34:27 AM): damnit

FTBAJ19 (1:34:59 AM): but you will have to answer my question that you so stealthy avoided sometime

myseriechick (1:35:15 AM): again with an eye roll

myseriechick (1:35:19 AM): go to bed silly

myseriechick (1:35:20 AM): :P

FTBAJ19 (1:35:42 AM): c!! thats what worries me that im stepping on some toes

myseriechick (1:36:20 AM): stepping on toes?

FTBAJ19 (1:36:21 AM): ugh nvm ill find out hopefully b4 i do something wrong

myseriechick (1:38:12 AM): ...

FTBAJ19 (1:38:27 AM): whats that supposed to mean?

myseriechick (1:39:04 AM): i asked what you meant by stepping on toes but i don't think you saw it

FTBAJ19 (1:39:26 AM): oh long story with that one that i dont like to remember

FTBAJ19 (1:40:03 AM): cock blocked brad just a weeeee bit freshman year and have never been able to live it down

FTBAJ19 (1:40:35 AM): but it worked out anyways they just like giving me grief

FTBAJ19 (1:41:44 AM): hence stepping on toes

myseriechick (1:42:21 AM): writing an essay?

myseriechick (1:42:22 AM): lol

FTBAJ19 (1:42:30 AM): what???

myseriechick (1:42:40 AM): you were typing for forever :P

FTBAJ19 (1:43:11 AM): no lol just had one word typed out

myseriechick (1:43:18 AM): lol

FTBAJ19 (1:43:22 AM): brain died for a min lol

myseriechick (1:44:11 AM): go to sleep silly

myseriechick (1:44:15 AM): :P

FTBAJ19 (1:44:45 AM): i will but i will ask about it cuz thats one thing i have to know

myseriechick (1:45:35 AM): we will definitely chat later

myseriechick (1:45:50 AM): but if your brain is dead and you type out one word then stop

myseriechick (1:45:53 AM): its def. bed time

myseriechick (1:45:53 AM): :P

FTBAJ19 (1:46:02 AM): aigth deal and i will take your advice

FTBAJ19 (1:46:17 AM): good night ma'am

myseriechick (1:46:22 AM): goodnight