i guess this is growing up.

i feel hurt.
i feel kicked around a bit.
i feel betrayed.
i feel unloved.

now its time for me to stand up, brush all that off, and be there if she needs me to be.

what the heck?

feeling kinda down atm
not sure why, i don't really have a reason to.
i blame it on hormones, thats what it usually is when i'm upset for no definite reason.

jason is being silly and not catching on that i WILL NOT talk about my little and her personal life with him, it isn't his place to stick his nose. don't mean to sound frustrated, i'm just extremely protective of her.

he gives in far too easily. i love to argue. but only when someone will argue right back, not say oh okay you're right. WOMEN ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. its EXTREMELY frustrating when a guy follows that. CHALLENGE ME. have an opinion. speak up. TELL ME YOU THINK I'M WRONG. just don't always assume that you're right.

i feel like watching eternal sunshine :/

i need to go back to merced.

i need sand and sunshine, i think. lake day coming up soon.

i miss my mommy. i was practically crying when i was on the phone with her.

i hate being a girl.

i've just seen a face...

i can't forget the time
or place where we just met
she's just the girl for me
and i want all the world to
see we've met...mmmm mmmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

I feel like I need to paint.
What, I don't know.
I might ask my mom to bring me acrylics and a canvas when she comes
She's already bringing my cello :)
Maybe I just need more ways of expressing myself. Who knows.

I miss her. Something terrible.
We need to sit down and have coffee and talk Sunday morning.
I need to tell her about Jason, and that I am dropping math, and I think I'll wait until this summer to tell her about my major change.

I'm feeling kind of down right now for some reason :/

I need a hug.

dramadramadrama

just talked with Jason for over an hour
about all of the shit that's going on in our circle of friends.
he's been hearing other peoples' sides to things, and in the spirit of fairness, I told him mine.
ALL of mine.
Including the conversation that Claudia had with me about "someone" telling her that I was planning on leaving him for Brad.

I hope that doesn't make him insecure :/
I stressed many many times how it wasn't true and it upset me that people were saying that, and that I was afraid of him getting his feelings hurt over it.

I know its unfair to assume that it was Angela, but honestly, I can't help but jump to that conclusion.

And I can't even begin to describe how much my feelings are hurt that Claudia would believe Angela over me...I've been there with and for her, as she has with and for me. In just over a year and a half, we've been through many trying situations, and things always work out in the end for us. I hope things are the same this time :/
I can honestly say that I have more respect for her than any other Kappa does, so it really stings that she would believe someone she practically just met over me, but like I said, things will be worked out.

Thank you Jason for listening to my bad dream, and I'm sorry we got into the conversation we did tonight about all of this, but thank you for making me feel better about it all :)

Downey, CA

currently watching that 70's show with lbinac
was playing starcraft, enough of that for now
50 boxes of cookies for 50 crates of milk?
hahahaha
huuuuunnnngggwwwwyyyyyy

To quote Kelso:
"It's thanksgiving- some people bake pies, we bake ourselves."

today was Bosta Chica beach. it was a little overcast and chilly, but we stayed out there for a few hours anyways.

Last night we went on a walk around the neighborhood, it was really nice :)

I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to Amoxicillin. My spots are fading, though.

I have the best boyfriend ever, even if sometimes he's a little too mushy gushy.

I want FOOOOOOOOOOOD.


And forget the people on that 70's show, I <3 STYX.

I think its a little strange how most of my blogs are random thoughts like this. I understand that this is here for me to write whatever I'm feeling, but its a little frustrating that sometimes my thoughts are so unorganized and vapid.

Oh well. time to make dinner with laurensarous!

tomorrow

suuuuper excited
cooking a traditional irish dinner for the boys
guiness beef, colcannon, and soda bread
sounds yummy!!!!
it'll be a late dinner, but late is better than never :D

boy issues over- I knew I'd be okay, it just took some time.
Couldn't be happier :)

Careless

"You're weak and you're gullible, and I don't care
You're a walking disaster, and I don't care
You cry yourself to sleep, and I don't care
You're wasting our time, and I don't care"

Is it possible to feel this way about myself?

If not the words, the feeling behind the song seems about right.

Overall, I had a nice time last night. Movies and ridiculous conversation with friends into the wee small hours of the morning is always guaranteed to be a good time, even it if means I'm only getting three hours of sleep before a 14 hour day. Besides, Jason really liked the kandi I made him, even if I did kind of goof it up a little.

Not going to lie, watching Angela shamelessly flirt with Brad was kinda not so much fun. But when we got back to campus she was acting awkward, like she was afraid I was going to do or say something.

As I've told Lauren, he ISN'T off-limits. I have no claim over the man, and he can do whatever with whomever he wants to.

I really do like Jason. He's a sweetheart. But part of me is wondering if that's what I want right now :( To counter that, a really large part of me is afraid that if things don't work out between me and him, I'll lose a lot of the good friends I've made. I don't want that to happen :( I've finally found a space where I'm happy and I can be me, I don't want that taken away from me so quickly.

What have I gotten myself into?

oh, Joe :P

myseriechick (2:13:15 AM): honestly, i have never felt the need to lie to you
joeameen (2:13:26 AM): i know, that's because i stand for truth and redbull
myseriechick (2:13:36 AM): truth, redbull, and rock climbing
myseriechick (2:13:38 AM): :)
joeameen (2:13:40 AM): word
joeameen (2:13:47 AM): you nailed it
joeameen (2:13:56 AM): facebook status worthy

hurt :(

I just saw video of a very sweet girl I met at the LGBT conference being beaten, tazed, and dragged along the asphalt during a protest she was helping lead at UCD yesterday.

I hope she's okay :(

I'm also being slowly ripped apart.

I hate boys.

Just thought I should throw that one in there.

i hate thinking of titles as well.

I went over to Jason's last night and we watched Where The Wild Things Are. I ended up staying over (keep your minds out of the gutter) and woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. It was rather nice.

He asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, but not in so many words. Which after talking with Claudia is a little gray to me. Is he my boyfriend now? Am I his girlfriend? When are those titles applicable?
He said he didn't really know much about "how relationships are supposed to work", but then again, neither do I. So what's the big deal there?

And about the whole thing- I am extremely frustrated and upset right now. There are so many things that already seem off...and its possible we aren't even "together" yet, whatever that means.

First off, Jason is a sweetheart. I love his personality, the fact that he's so caring, and so attentive, and nice, and he remembers things I say, and and and, I could go on for miles and miles about what I like about him. But part of me is slightly worried that even though I like all of these things about him, he isn't the type of person I see myself dating at this point in my life. What sounds right is someone who is nice, caring, funny, all of those fantastic qualities, but a complete asshole on the outside. I don't mean asshole in a mean way, more of a teasing way I guess. Like he acts like a jerk, but in all honesty he isn't. (Bryant comes to mind, but then I realize he was more of an asshole than a nice guy.) Also, Jason seems to have a very timid and submissive personality. This may be because I'm still getting to know him, but from the looks of it he isn't the take charge kind of guy. I have been through different phases in my life where I am attracted to different personalities, but right now, the take-charge asshole type is what I'm looking for. (A major part in why I can't see myself dating a girl at the moment- I tend to want to be the more dominant personality in the relationship when I am interested in a woman, and right now I just don't feel very dominant.)

Another thing is Jason tries SO hard. I don't think he realizes that he doesn't have to do all of these fantastic things to impress me, I like him, he just has to be himself. He has to be able to be real and open and honest and tell me what he's thinking and feeling and things like that. I appreciate the thought and effort, but he really doesn't have to try so darn hard.

I'm worried that he likes me more than I do him. I like him, and would love to get to know him better, but as of right now, I honestly don't know him very well. He's worked so hard on getting to know me, but I can count all of what I know about him on my fingers, which is a little strange.

I'm worried that I will scare him away. I'm afraid that I have so much going on with me that he won't know how to/won't want to/can't deal with my crazy. I don't mean to say that there is something wrong with me, but I have had my fair share of strange and upsetting things in my life. I don't want him to feel bad about any of it, or pity me in any way, or anything of the sort. If I were to tell him about any of it, I wouldn't really want a reaction from him- I would want him to take it into stride, and remember (just in general, I don't expect memorization, here), and just realize that when I'm down, I don't always need to talk, I just need someone there. The last thing I need is someone feeling sorry for me, or being awkward, or anything like that.
More than anything else, I'm worried about three things- talking about my self injury issues, my sister, and my daddy. I don't quite feel comfortable talking about any of those things with him. I mean if it comes up I'm always okay with talking about any of it, but right now it seems like he wouldn't react as I would like.

Jason and I don't have REAL conversations. We talk all the time, but about random things, or things from the past, or its just him asking questions about me. I feel that it is extremely important to be able to have an in-depth conversation with someone about anything and everything without having to try. I haven't had a good conversation with Jason about anything, sadly. Talking with Brad keeps reminding me of this, since we seem to have an awesome conversation every time we talk. I've never had to work on that in my life, stimulating conversation is just a part of all of my successful relationships. I need someone who is going to challenge me, ask me why I think the way I do, and then present me with a different opinion to make me think.

Not that it makes or breaks anything, but I don't think Jason is compatible with me when it comes to being sexual, either. He seems so shy...and I need someone who isn't afraid to jump me and push me against a wall. I have been feeling submissive in more ways than one, and playing top just doesn't sound appealing to me right now. Goodness knows I like to change things up a bit, and thoroughly enjoy being the switch that I am, but it gets so tiring having to be the dominant one all the time. But then again, who knows, things aren't like that at the moment. On another note, I am worried that both of our inexperience would make things awkward. But that's a horse of a completely different color.

I feel like I have so much more to say....but, seeing as I'm drawing a blank, and almost two in the morning, its time for bed.

*Edit
Now that I am awake and fully functioning again, I realized I forgot to mention a big worry. I am worried that I won't be the type of girlfriend that he's looking for. I am an extremely flirtatious person by nature. I like to be close with friends, and am very affectionate. I am afraid that he won't like this. I am certain being loyal won't be an issue, but at the same time I like dancing with different friends when I've been drinking (male and female, whoever wants to), I kiss friends on the cheek, I love long hugs...I am a physically affectionate type of person (again, minds out of the gutter.) Some people can't handle that. Its part of the reason that Jewel and I stopped dating. She wasn't okay with it, it seemed wrong to her that I did those things. What if he feels the same way? I don't want to hurt his feelings, or make him jealous, or anything of the sort.

Worst part about all of this? I feel like I can't tell any of it to him at risk of hurting his feelings, which is something I couldn't do right now.

More Cordova love :)

Courtney
how are you?

Erik
good just working on hw
you?

Courtney
watching unwrapped

Erik
with mark summers???!!!!

Courtney
yes?

Erik
shweet
love dat show

Courtney
me too
well
pretty much anything on food network at night
lol

Erik
i know
the food network cake challenges are the best

Courtney
o
m
g
yes
well
next to good eats
but thats because i love alton brown.

Erik
ow
goods eats is not as good as the challenge

Courtney
oh yes it is.

Erik
or the 30 minute meals
they are better than tyler's utlimate though
his show sucks
and i hate sandra lee!!!

Courtney
i don't think i know tyler's ultimate
i like dinner impossible though
and rachel ray can suck my dick.

Erik
ya that shows pretty awesome
and ya my dick
i'd fuck her and then make her make me food

Courtney
waah
her voice?
really?
imagine her coming.
>.<
nails on a chalkboard, sir.

Erik
ya she'd say "neat-o" when i was done
and i'd cover her in EVOO

Courtney
haha