I haven't even been home a week and I already want to kill my sister. This break should be interesting.

back-home blues

friends kept me busy the last few weeks of school.
things were crazy, we partied way too hard, and i probably could have tried harder in my classes.
but god did i need the distraction.

not even sure what from specifically, but it just seemed like i was going to crack and break and never be the same again. so before i self destructed, my friends helped me let off a little steam and learn a few things about myself.

i know now i shouldn't have been heartbroken over any of it. none of it was really worth my time (at least thats what i have to tell myself).

a little part of me is still the really fragile damsel-type just looking for a man to hold her and make her feel safe and tell her everything will be okay. its a smaller part than it was, but it's still there. i'm not sure if it will ever completely disappear, or if i want it to even.

right now, i'm kind of down. the being at home and not being busy is leaving me plenty of time to get sad. (not that i need any help, i seem to be really good at that)

i don't know exactly what it is, but right now, i honestly want nothing more than attention. i want to feel special, like someone would rather be doing something with me or talking to me than anything else at that point in time. that would be nice.

its cold and its late, time to sleep. maybe. i think.

everbody's gotta learn some time

watching eternal sunshine
my last chance to be sad before I have to be a big girl.
so its cereal with a fork, my sad movie, and a cigarette before bed.
i'm starting to think that i'm just perpetually in love, and just change who i pay attention to.
it makes me extremely sad to think that. i hope that's not the case.

i know you said i was being hard on myself, but damnit, i don't think i've been hard enough.
if i could have convinced myself from the beginning that nothing could come of it i would have never gotten my feelings hurt.

i shouldn't let a boy have this much impact on my life.

i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. a little part of me still seems to be holding out, waiting for him to say i was wrong, i actually want to be with you. and a big part of me is sad and angry and hurt and just wants to be held and petted and told that everything will be alright. and the smallest part of me says that if he were to say that he was wrong, and he wants to be with me, that i would just ignore that opportunity. i wish this little part were bigger.

i have a feeling that my feelings of rejection and loneliness are getting mixed up in my head. he chose her. so what? why am i that upset about it?
i really think thats what it is.

i hope.

time to go so i can actually watch my movie and be sad.

Meet Virginia

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life." -Virginia Woolf

thanks, Javier, I need to learn this one.

caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnn.......

aaaaannnnnnnnnnnyyyyboddddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
fiiiiiiiiiiiiind meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
somebody tooooooooooo loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove?

love Queen and all, but not what I need to hear right now.

shit.

i'm trying so hard to be a big girl, but i'm starting to think that there really is no difference.

again, i hate postsecret.

making me wonder what's going to happen when i see him again.

mrraw

writing a 7 page research paper on being optimistic

SO glad I went out saturday

and last night in fresno was just what i needed.

i don't think you realize how much better i feel because of it.

thank god for christmas lights and people that love you, even if you are being ridiculously loud about how much you have to PEE.

<3

i have to go ououououuuuttttt tonight.

fuck.

thank god i'm at work or i would be crying.

Fuck you, facebook.

****** ****** is in a relationship with **** ***********.

NOT what I needed to see right now.

i'd give you everything i've got for a little peace of mind

god, how true that phrase is right now.

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get.

had to look up Sir Walter Raleigh, but yeah
tired, upset (though less than before) and i am definitely looking forward to coffee and cigarettes after Glee tonight.

now all of this looking up Walter Raleigh makes me want to read the Faerie Queene because apparently his friend wrote it. Sounds interesting.

yeah, bored at work.

....

time to go.

unrequited love is not allowed.

so, half of my music is against the rules atm.

doesn't matter, i'll just keep listening and not let Lauren know.

Rainy Monday was stuck in my head all day monday.
not because it was raining (though a pretty neat coincidence), but because of the lyrics.

he's pretty messed up over it all, but shit, so am i.

lets just stay back and act like myself and see what happens. who knows. maybe things will get better.

and now

i'm questioning myself.

if i'm so down and low right now that I can't even study
can't do any of my work

don't want to do anything but sleep....

maybe there is something wrong with me.

motivation?

i have none.

as of right now, i want to leave and never come back.

no degree, no grad school, whatever.

right now, i don't care.

which is terrible, seeing as i have a midterm tomorrow....

more than ever..

feeling manic

and uncontrolled

and hurt

and lonely

and completely unsure of what the future holds for me.

why can't I just take care of what I have to take care of and get through this?