sage

you weren't kidding, hun.

you made me think more about the situation than i thought possible at this point in time.

thank you for making me take a deeper look at myself.

I <3 Orisa Santiago Morrice.

mrrrrawwww

I want to dye my hair, it faded.
I have to be in the bob cat lair in an hour.
I'm hungry but I don't want to eat.

Deadmau5?

Actually something I could listen to.
Techno isn't all that bad, I guess....

you gotta spend some time, love

you gotta spend some time with me
and I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart

gotta love Death Cab :)

bored, at work. thank goodness Jason texted me this morning, I would have slept through my shift if he didn't. I turned off my alarm and definitely kept sleeping. LOL

and he came by and visited me at the services desk but I look like HELL right now!

:/

lamesauce.

I'm excited for the 6th. I think it'll be a lot of fun :)
never been to yosemite, and I haven't seen the snow since I was like 11.

this will be a good trip!

by the way....

Austin who?

He hasn't texted me once since he's been home.

Why should I waste my time holding my breath when so many other great things are falling onto my plate?

I love him, always will, he means so much to me. But why hasn't he tried getting ahold of me yet?

Whatever, things are gonna happen as they will. Time to take it all into stride.

:)

I love that the only thing I could think of as a title for this was a smiley face.

Sure, some things suck.

Sure, I'm super busy.

Sure, people are dumb.

But ever since I realized I deserved to be happy, and that I was capable of dealing with everything instead of just crying about it, I am SO MUCH BETTER OFF.

So, I'm happy :)

Who knows how long I'll be here, and who knows what's waiting for me on the other side, but for now, none of that really matters!

seeing that light...

"Here's to hearing that pop and seeing the light when I finally pull my head outta my ass."

This phrase makes so much more sense to me now that I could have ever thought it would.
I have not been fair to myself.
I have not treated myself well at all.
I have done things and said things to myself that were wrong and hurtful.

I deserve more respect for myself.
I deserve more faith in myself.
I deserve more time spent making myself happy.
I deserve to know that I am a strong, capable, lovable person.
I deserve to put all that I can into my school and be rewarded for it.
I deserve to put all that I can into my sorority and sisterhood and reap the benefits of it.
I deserve so much better than I give myself credit for.

I can't even explain how depressed I have been over the last few weeks. I didn't want to come back to Merced, I felt as if I didn't belong. As if I was doing nothing with my time.
I am starting to realize that this is exactly where I need to be. I am here, and though I have messed up a fair bit in the last year and a half, its not too late for me to succeed and make something of myself.

I want to thank my sisters, without them I would have never had the courage to take a look at myself and realize that I am worth something.

Last night / this morning is why i do not drink jager, let alone the overpowering licorice flavor.

xkcd<3

goodness, wouldn't it be nice.

i appreciate it, but....

i know you guys are only trying to make me feel better, but its making me feel like the "poor cousin". things will work out, i know this. please don't feel like you have to say this every time i see you.

My last week...

I am spending as much time as possible with my friends. I feel bad that I am not doing more with my mom, but I just don't want to be home when things are always so ugh. If there wasn't so much yelling and fighting...I don't know what happened, but things are different.

I am definitely taking pictures tomorrow. We went to the club sunday and had the camera, and I want to take as many pictures as possible this week. I feel like I'm growing so far away from all of my friends back home...there's just so much going on here and I'm missing all of it.

Not that a lot is actually happening, its just people stuff and times missed and all of that.
:(

I'm excited and apprehensive to see Austin. I want to see him, I miss him like nuts. But at the same time, I like him. I really do. But I don't want things to go so fast...if things are going to work out this time, we're gonna have to start from the beginning and take it slow. I don't want to rush it and mess it all up again, that's already happened. Twice.

Anyways, busy early day tomorrow, time for bed!

This must be it, welcome to the new year.

First blog of the new year, I guess.

"Sometimes, you have a bad day. Sometimes, you might be mad or sad and you can't put it into words. Sometimes, you look to the cold, dark sky, and as you wonder what the answers are, not sure if you even know any of the questions. But you can't stay there, you must never stay there. You must try to get out."

Was catching up, read this, and almost started crying.

I am mad and sad and can't put it into words. I wonder what the answers are, only to realize I don't know the questions.

I want to say that I'll be okay when I get back to Merced, back to a busy schedule and things to do and people to see. But I can't promise this to myself, because I lie to myself often enough as it is.

Mom is being bitchy, and no one knows why. She's being extremely snappy, short tempered, and is being far more than rude. I do want to go back to Merced, but I know I will miss my friends at home. I'm afraid that we're starting to grow apart, which only makes me sadder.

Just talked to my love, so glad to hear things are going well for her :) you deserve the best, babe. You've far more than earned some happiness.

My feet are cold.

Austin is coming to visit on the 18th. I don't have school the next day, either. lets see what goes on there.

I love you, Megan Wingo.

I hope I get to hang out with the friendlies tonight.

What I just told Megan, and makes the most sense to me right now:
I just want someone to like me and think i'm pretty and want to be cuddly and want to take care of me and all of that.

Seems like too much to ask for.

I hate how unorganized my thoughts are.