'Tis the season

I love Halloween.
No, I FUCKING love Halloween.

Should be amazing :)

Grow up already.

You're in college.
You rely on your sister for EVERYTHING, complain until you get your way, and don't do anything for yourself.
You act like I'm going to hold your hand through class and explain everything to you? Guess what, its my first time taking the class too! I'm learning and doing my own work. You should try it some time.

:) part deux?

Still can't get this smile off my face.
He likes me, I like him, we're both looking for the same kind of relationship (FINALLY! a guy who isn't afraid of commitment.)

He's so sweet I'm going nutso. I feel like I'm in a chick flick. Without all that icky drama stuff.

I am STOKED for this weekend. Me and tori are gonna have a blast, I get to see friends I miss like crazy, I get to go home and eat real food, see my family, play with my dog, sleep in my own bed....
goodness I miss being home :)

and I'm definitely making a pumpkin pie this weekend, they're his favorite :)

:)

so, i'm not going to type it all out
but last night was near perfect :)
stars and movies and talking and cuddling and no sleeping.
minus the fact the couch was a little too small for two people, of course.

Megan, if you want to know what's going on, CALL MEEEEE
and I have to remember to bake a pumpkin pie this weekend :)

fingerscrossed and schoolgirlgiggle i hope this works out :)

Orionid

I was doing homework late last night when my roomie came in and told me there was a meteor shower going on. So, I finished my work, and went outside. I called a few people to see if they were busy, and they were either asleep or not able to come. So I walked out towards Lake Yosemite by myself. I laid down on the path, and just stared up at the sky.

I felt so tiny and alone. It wasn't a bad kind of alone- I just felt completely disconnected from the world. It sounds super cheesy but it was just me at that one point in time, like I was the only person on the planet. That quiet was actually really nice. Well, until people drove by or walked down the path.

It was a nice break, and I slept soundly, but this morning was a snap back to reality. A class I'm barely understanding, the same people, work...the monotony bothers me until I realize how much better it is than everything falling down around me.

I'm starting to get a little homesick again. I haven't been back to my house in over a month. My kitten is growing up and I'm missing it, I haven't been able to play with or walk my dog, and I miss my family more than I can explain right now. At least I know I'm a homebody and I'm not figuring this out while studying abroad or something.

Megan is coming into town tomorrow. I miss her so much...I can't wait to see her. She always makes me feel better.

I usually don't mind working the helpdesk- I get to play online and people watch in the lantern. It's a pretty good deal actually. But today I actually have some homework to be doing, and I just don't want to do it. If I were at the desk I would have an excuse...I should probably get on it and do it so I can watch Glee uninterrupted later.

I think that's what I'll do.

lost

I'm sitting in Garrett's house, just finished a study session with Claudia, and wondering what the hell I am doing here.

I don't mean what am I doing in Garrett's house, I mean how did I get where I am in life right now?

I've got some pretty great things going for me- school seems to be going better this semester, Kappa is getting much more organized (and keeping me involved in something), work is actually okay....but I still feel down and out and left wondering what's missing.

Bryant called today. I was at Amy's house helping her clean (she was letting me do my laundry there, least I could do). I ignored it. I wanted to answer so badly, I was just so excited he was calling! I wanted to see how he was, and what he was up to, and and and...then I realized that if I keep going back to it, I'm going to keep getting my hopes up. So I silenced the call and put my phone back in my pocket. Amy asked my why I didn't answer, and I said that I can't keep being there whenever he wants me to be only to have him never be there for me. She said that was something she would never be able to do, and said something about how strong I was...I couldn't help but think that if I was so strong, why would I let myself be put in that situation in the first place?

On top of that mess, I went to lunch with a guy I met a few weeks ago. He's super nice, funny, has the same taste in music as me (for the most part), we're both in greek life, he plays the guitar, and is really freaking cute. So naturally, I was excited about spending time with him. We spent the entire time talking about music and sports and plans for later on in life (he said he couldn't wait to be married- how often do you find that in a guy?) To top it off, my fortune cookie from lunch (we went to a chinese food place) was possibly the most amazingly relevant one I've ever gotten. I had just been thinking "Wow, I haven't smiled this much in goodness knows how long", and it said "Keep smiling, you never know who may be falling in love with it." Talk about cheesy romance movie!

The fortune cookie gets me, but even more so is the fact that he can actually play The Rain Song on the guitar. I know it isn't the most difficult thing in the world, but after falling in love with it, I told myself I would marry the first man that would play it just for me. When we were talking about music, and the fact that that is my favorite Zeppelin song, he said he would play it for me next time we hung out.

And now I feel extremely dumb for thinking the things I've been thinking. I hate feeling all pessimistic about stuff, but more likely than not, nothing is going to come of this. I'm going to be all self-conscious, nervous, and afraid, and I'm going to fuck it up. Yes, I already know this. But how is me knowing this going to save me from it? I try to let go and not worry so much, but I just can't help it sometimes.

Honestly, I'm feeling completely lost at the moment. I don't know what to do, or think, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams, and no body is noticing, because the rest of things are going along so normally for me. I've never seemed this normal in my life, and somehow I wonder if this insanity is the universe's payment for the rest of things going so well for me.

Its after 1, I have class in the morning, and goodness only knows when Claudia and Garrett are getting up, let alone the rest of the guys in the house. I think its time to call it quits and get some sleep. Here's hoping I won't be up thinking all night...

lings for.
Now i'm going with my love for life, Tori :) thank god for that girl, she makes me happy when guys suck.

ought i could be.
I dunno, guess i was just really excited when i heard about it coming out and it just seemed perfect for a date with someone i had fee

I just realized i will not be seeing Where the Wild Things Are with someone i'm romantically involved with. And i'm a lot more upset about that than i th

i'm done.

you make a move on me, and then don't talk to me for three days. that doesn't reflect kindly on your intentions, sir.

when i pulled away because something didn't feel right, and you ask "is it because we aren't in an exclusive relationship?", i wanted to slap you in the face for asking such a dumb question.

i don't think i can do this anymore. too many chauvinistic comments (even if you say they're jokes), tired of the one sided friendship, and if you "aren't ready to be in a committed relationship again", then i don't have time for you.

my love/hate with PostSecret

Both of these images were on PostSecret this week, and I don't know what to think.


Things are just getting so complicated...
I'm tired of the back and forth, seem like I'm falling for you one minute don't talk to you the next bullshit. I really can't take much more of that.
but at the same time, I don't know the other side, and is it fair for me to cut things off now? What if something is going on thats making him act that way?

And I texted Austin on Saturday. We're kind of talking again. I'm just worried it will end up like it did last time.

Too much work to do, too much to think about.
Almost to the point of saying fuck it all and going home.
Here's to the courage to stay and face what I've got to do...

I hate being a girl.

It sucks to be a girl. Sure, there are perks like getting the door opened for you, and being treated like a lady instead of just one of the guys (every now and again, anyways), but being female makes you prone to irrational emotional spells.

I like to think that for the most part, I'm pretty good about this- I don't usually look so deeply into things that I turn into a mess and worry and stress all the time, I don't cry and whine and mope when a guy doesn't notice me (at least not publicly), and I expect boys to act "like boys", so I'm usually not disappointed when things don't go the way I would like to with them.

However, as of late, I've been a little more susceptible to my feelings getting hurt, acting like an idiot over a guy, and expecting things to happen and being very disappointed when they don't.

I don't know if its because of him, or somethings going on with me, or what, but it's weird and different and not me, and I'm not sure I like it.

I want to blame it on my music and movie choices of late, but I know this isn't fair- I'm listening to and watching the things that I am because I'm in this mood. Not that the music and movies are helping anything...

I feel like I just need to take a step back from things and get a look at the bigger picture. If things don't go well, what's going to change with me? Nothing, I'll still be my old self. A relationship with a friend might change, but does that really change me as a person? I would hope not.

And if things do go well...well, that's great, but again, does that change me as a person?
I hope someone wouldn't have that much affect over my thoughts and actions and ideas. I should be the only person with the power to change me.

Sure, it would be great if this went somewhere. I would be happier (or at least a different kind of happy), to say the least. I miss that closeness you have with your someone special...best friends are the greatest thing in the world, and I would choose them over anyone but family, but the love and trust is different with a friend. I can't explain it, there really aren't the words, but I'm not the first person to have this thought.

I don't know, I've just been feeling lonely as of late. I haven't been in a relationship since Kevin and I broke up (not a real one, at least), and though I'm perfectly content being single, I miss being in a relationship. Which the being more emotional than usual isn't helping, I've caught myself more than once thinking I'm not happy because I'm not seeing someone. I know for a fact this isn't so because I am the one that controls my happiness, not anyone else. Go Eleanor Roosevelt.

Well, this is longer and more pointless than I meant it to be. Looking back at it, it just seems like a bunch of rambling. Whatever. Que sera sera, right?