I think I'm being too hard on myself..

but once again, I'm starting to wonder if I'm crazy.

I put myself under tons of stress
I repeatedly take on too much responsibility
I put myself in unstable emotional situations, fully aware of what's going on
I let things get to me
I bounce around a lot
I don't want to pay attention to anything
I want to be done with school



...

I think I just need to relax a bit. The last few days have been really fast-paced, with few breaks and even less sleep.

I was on campus yesterday for 16.5 hours
I was awake yesterday for 21.
I got four hours of sleep last night
and will be here at school until 9 tonight.

Fuckthisshit.

It's 3am and I'm feeling lonely.

I always forget how lonely the nights are at home.

My friends are all spending time together, and I'm the only one awake in my house.
It's not even 10:30.

I'm feeling a little down, but I don't want to bother anyone. It seems silly to do so.

I'm bummed because the one person I want to talk to the most, I can't. His phone is broken.

What is it with me falling for guys and then the technology in their lives falling apart? It's like the communication gods are intentionally taking a crap on me.

Something happened to Arron's phone, and he's still trying to figure it out.

I am glad to be home, but damn, I miss Merced already.

i really am no good at this.

a month has gone by, and oh how the world has changed.

Taj and I had a very long conversation on the 4th of July. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, it was him telling me that he couldn't do it, that he couldn't be in a relationship with me just then. And thinking about it, that's okay. I learned a few things about people and about myself, and had some fun while I was at it.

I haven't heard from him since, and I'm okay with that.

Since the week before my birthday, I've been spending a lot of time with Arron. A lot being quite a bit. Being seeing him almost every day.
According to him, I kissed him at either mine or Brown's birthday party, while we were dancing. I have no recollection of this, though I wish to god that I did.

July 13th, he went to karaoke at the bar with us. We had a few drinks, we sang, we danced, and just before we left, he kissed me.
We kissed each other the whole way back to the car, giggling and smiling throughout.
We went back to my house and kissed some more. He stayed the night, and when we woke up, I made breakfast, and we kissed some more.

It's been more of the same for the last three weeks.

I was afraid for a while that he didn't actually like me, or that he wouldn't let himself like me, anyway. We've had a few serious conversations (admittedly, always sparked by alcohol), and I think he finally is getting used to the idea that I'm not going to get bored or scared away.

Lauren and Garrett found two beautiful blonde golden retrievers. Arron adopted them, and they spent almost a week at my house (because it was more convenient while his roommate was out of town). They went home Monday night, and I cleaned the house yesterday to get rid of all of their fur.

Betty is fixed ($600 later) but still needs to be smog'd and registered. I'm hopefully going home this weekend, with a Victoria in tow. :)

I'm happier than I have been since I can remember. I'm spending time with people I love, working, and enjoying everything I can.

The world feels right.