a not-so-beautiful mess

I'm afraid I may be tearing my world apart unintentionally.

Is there something deep-rooted in me that just when I know things could be great, I have to go and mess them up?

Is this some kind of self preservation, or am I subconsciously really that much of a masochist?

Things went screwy with Jason over the summer, I ended it, and was extremely torn apart.
There were never any "I got over him"'s or "i'm okay"'s. I still had feelings for him, but those had been overpowered by how hurt I was.

Then James. I really did like him, but was in no place to start something with anyone. That was a mistake on my part, no matter how much he may blame himself. I wasn't looking for anything serious, and though I tried to make that point clear, I should have known he would be hurt. I know James better than that, and I should have known myself better than that. Starting something with James was NOT going to make me feel better about Jason. Seeking comfort in another individual because of a relationship gone wrong just doesn't work for me.

And now I'm back with Jason, as of the beginning of September. And things were good for a while, but as of the last two months, everything has gone wrong. I've gotten to the point where I am trying to convince myself I don't hate the man. I know that I don't, because I still have feelings for him (or I wouldn't care so much about hurting him). But I've just been so angry and upset and frustrated with him that I don't want to see him, spend time with him, or talk to him. I saw him last night for the first time in a week. AN ENTIRE WEEK. Because I was so angry with him (for whatever reason I could find) that I didn't want to be around him.

I've been told that my feelings were justified, but I'm starting to wonder. At least to an extent. I know some things that he did and said were deserving of the way I reacted, but others I'm afraid I may have been an uberbitch just because I could.

And to add to this dilemma, four different ex-things have got in contact with me this last week alone.

Austin, Sunny, Bryant, and now James are all finding their ways back into my life. Which is alright, just sort of confusing since I've been in love (or at least I thought I was) with each of them at LEAST once at some point over the last six years. How do you sort through that kind of mess while still in a relationship with a person that doesn't know anyone else ever existed? How do you talk to a boyfriend who has never dated someone before you about past relationships without making him insecure?

What do you do when you don't even want to talk to him about them, and secretly are hoping one or many of them just flat out say "I still have feelings for you, I want to work things out, I want you back"?

Not that I would know what to do if they did.

And lovely, all of this during finals.

Not to mention the never-ending daddy drama, the fact that I'm so homesick I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and it seems like my entire house is falling apart at their seams.

What happened to "This will be a good semester"?