everbody's gotta learn some time

watching eternal sunshine
my last chance to be sad before I have to be a big girl.
so its cereal with a fork, my sad movie, and a cigarette before bed.
i'm starting to think that i'm just perpetually in love, and just change who i pay attention to.
it makes me extremely sad to think that. i hope that's not the case.

i know you said i was being hard on myself, but damnit, i don't think i've been hard enough.
if i could have convinced myself from the beginning that nothing could come of it i would have never gotten my feelings hurt.

i shouldn't let a boy have this much impact on my life.

i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. a little part of me still seems to be holding out, waiting for him to say i was wrong, i actually want to be with you. and a big part of me is sad and angry and hurt and just wants to be held and petted and told that everything will be alright. and the smallest part of me says that if he were to say that he was wrong, and he wants to be with me, that i would just ignore that opportunity. i wish this little part were bigger.

i have a feeling that my feelings of rejection and loneliness are getting mixed up in my head. he chose her. so what? why am i that upset about it?
i really think thats what it is.

i hope.

time to go so i can actually watch my movie and be sad.