I hate being a girl.

It sucks to be a girl. Sure, there are perks like getting the door opened for you, and being treated like a lady instead of just one of the guys (every now and again, anyways), but being female makes you prone to irrational emotional spells.

I like to think that for the most part, I'm pretty good about this- I don't usually look so deeply into things that I turn into a mess and worry and stress all the time, I don't cry and whine and mope when a guy doesn't notice me (at least not publicly), and I expect boys to act "like boys", so I'm usually not disappointed when things don't go the way I would like to with them.

However, as of late, I've been a little more susceptible to my feelings getting hurt, acting like an idiot over a guy, and expecting things to happen and being very disappointed when they don't.

I don't know if its because of him, or somethings going on with me, or what, but it's weird and different and not me, and I'm not sure I like it.

I want to blame it on my music and movie choices of late, but I know this isn't fair- I'm listening to and watching the things that I am because I'm in this mood. Not that the music and movies are helping anything...

I feel like I just need to take a step back from things and get a look at the bigger picture. If things don't go well, what's going to change with me? Nothing, I'll still be my old self. A relationship with a friend might change, but does that really change me as a person? I would hope not.

And if things do go well...well, that's great, but again, does that change me as a person?
I hope someone wouldn't have that much affect over my thoughts and actions and ideas. I should be the only person with the power to change me.

Sure, it would be great if this went somewhere. I would be happier (or at least a different kind of happy), to say the least. I miss that closeness you have with your someone special...best friends are the greatest thing in the world, and I would choose them over anyone but family, but the love and trust is different with a friend. I can't explain it, there really aren't the words, but I'm not the first person to have this thought.

I don't know, I've just been feeling lonely as of late. I haven't been in a relationship since Kevin and I broke up (not a real one, at least), and though I'm perfectly content being single, I miss being in a relationship. Which the being more emotional than usual isn't helping, I've caught myself more than once thinking I'm not happy because I'm not seeing someone. I know for a fact this isn't so because I am the one that controls my happiness, not anyone else. Go Eleanor Roosevelt.

Well, this is longer and more pointless than I meant it to be. Looking back at it, it just seems like a bunch of rambling. Whatever. Que sera sera, right?