lost

I'm sitting in Garrett's house, just finished a study session with Claudia, and wondering what the hell I am doing here.

I don't mean what am I doing in Garrett's house, I mean how did I get where I am in life right now?

I've got some pretty great things going for me- school seems to be going better this semester, Kappa is getting much more organized (and keeping me involved in something), work is actually okay....but I still feel down and out and left wondering what's missing.

Bryant called today. I was at Amy's house helping her clean (she was letting me do my laundry there, least I could do). I ignored it. I wanted to answer so badly, I was just so excited he was calling! I wanted to see how he was, and what he was up to, and and and...then I realized that if I keep going back to it, I'm going to keep getting my hopes up. So I silenced the call and put my phone back in my pocket. Amy asked my why I didn't answer, and I said that I can't keep being there whenever he wants me to be only to have him never be there for me. She said that was something she would never be able to do, and said something about how strong I was...I couldn't help but think that if I was so strong, why would I let myself be put in that situation in the first place?

On top of that mess, I went to lunch with a guy I met a few weeks ago. He's super nice, funny, has the same taste in music as me (for the most part), we're both in greek life, he plays the guitar, and is really freaking cute. So naturally, I was excited about spending time with him. We spent the entire time talking about music and sports and plans for later on in life (he said he couldn't wait to be married- how often do you find that in a guy?) To top it off, my fortune cookie from lunch (we went to a chinese food place) was possibly the most amazingly relevant one I've ever gotten. I had just been thinking "Wow, I haven't smiled this much in goodness knows how long", and it said "Keep smiling, you never know who may be falling in love with it." Talk about cheesy romance movie!

The fortune cookie gets me, but even more so is the fact that he can actually play The Rain Song on the guitar. I know it isn't the most difficult thing in the world, but after falling in love with it, I told myself I would marry the first man that would play it just for me. When we were talking about music, and the fact that that is my favorite Zeppelin song, he said he would play it for me next time we hung out.

And now I feel extremely dumb for thinking the things I've been thinking. I hate feeling all pessimistic about stuff, but more likely than not, nothing is going to come of this. I'm going to be all self-conscious, nervous, and afraid, and I'm going to fuck it up. Yes, I already know this. But how is me knowing this going to save me from it? I try to let go and not worry so much, but I just can't help it sometimes.

Honestly, I'm feeling completely lost at the moment. I don't know what to do, or think, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams, and no body is noticing, because the rest of things are going along so normally for me. I've never seemed this normal in my life, and somehow I wonder if this insanity is the universe's payment for the rest of things going so well for me.

Its after 1, I have class in the morning, and goodness only knows when Claudia and Garrett are getting up, let alone the rest of the guys in the house. I think its time to call it quits and get some sleep. Here's hoping I won't be up thinking all night...