I went over to Jason's last night and we watched Where The Wild Things Are. I ended up staying over (keep your minds out of the gutter) and woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. It was rather nice.
He asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, but not in so many words. Which after talking with Claudia is a little gray to me. Is he my boyfriend now? Am I his girlfriend? When are those titles applicable?
He said he didn't really know much about "how relationships are supposed to work", but then again, neither do I. So what's the big deal there?
And about the whole thing- I am extremely frustrated and upset right now. There are so many things that already seem off...and its possible we aren't even "together" yet, whatever that means.
First off, Jason is a sweetheart. I love his personality, the fact that he's so caring, and so attentive, and nice, and he remembers things I say, and and and, I could go on for miles and miles about what I like about him. But part of me is slightly worried that even though I like all of these things about him, he isn't the type of person I see myself dating at this point in my life. What sounds right is someone who is nice, caring, funny, all of those fantastic qualities, but a complete asshole on the outside. I don't mean asshole in a mean way, more of a teasing way I guess. Like he acts like a jerk, but in all honesty he isn't. (Bryant comes to mind, but then I realize he was more of an asshole than a nice guy.) Also, Jason seems to have a very timid and submissive personality. This may be because I'm still getting to know him, but from the looks of it he isn't the take charge kind of guy. I have been through different phases in my life where I am attracted to different personalities, but right now, the take-charge asshole type is what I'm looking for. (A major part in why I can't see myself dating a girl at the moment- I tend to want to be the more dominant personality in the relationship when I am interested in a woman, and right now I just don't feel very dominant.)
Another thing is Jason tries SO hard. I don't think he realizes that he doesn't have to do all of these fantastic things to impress me, I like him, he just has to be himself. He has to be able to be real and open and honest and tell me what he's thinking and feeling and things like that. I appreciate the thought and effort, but he really doesn't have to try so darn hard.
I'm worried that he likes me more than I do him. I like him, and would love to get to know him better, but as of right now, I honestly don't know him very well. He's worked so hard on getting to know me, but I can count all of what I know about him on my fingers, which is a little strange.
I'm worried that I will scare him away. I'm afraid that I have so much going on with me that he won't know how to/won't want to/can't deal with my crazy. I don't mean to say that there is something wrong with me, but I have had my fair share of strange and upsetting things in my life. I don't want him to feel bad about any of it, or pity me in any way, or anything of the sort. If I were to tell him about any of it, I wouldn't really want a reaction from him- I would want him to take it into stride, and remember (just in general, I don't expect memorization, here), and just realize that when I'm down, I don't always need to talk, I just need someone there. The last thing I need is someone feeling sorry for me, or being awkward, or anything like that.
More than anything else, I'm worried about three things- talking about my self injury issues, my sister, and my daddy. I don't quite feel comfortable talking about any of those things with him. I mean if it comes up I'm always okay with talking about any of it, but right now it seems like he wouldn't react as I would like.
Jason and I don't have REAL conversations. We talk all the time, but about random things, or things from the past, or its just him asking questions about me. I feel that it is extremely important to be able to have an in-depth conversation with someone about anything and everything without having to try. I haven't had a good conversation with Jason about anything, sadly. Talking with Brad keeps reminding me of this, since we seem to have an awesome conversation every time we talk. I've never had to work on that in my life, stimulating conversation is just a part of all of my successful relationships. I need someone who is going to challenge me, ask me why I think the way I do, and then present me with a different opinion to make me think.
Not that it makes or breaks anything, but I don't think Jason is compatible with me when it comes to being sexual, either. He seems so shy...and I need someone who isn't afraid to jump me and push me against a wall. I have been feeling submissive in more ways than one, and playing top just doesn't sound appealing to me right now. Goodness knows I like to change things up a bit, and thoroughly enjoy being the switch that I am, but it gets so tiring having to be the dominant one all the time. But then again, who knows, things aren't like that at the moment. On another note, I am worried that both of our inexperience would make things awkward. But that's a horse of a completely different color.
I feel like I have so much more to say....but, seeing as I'm drawing a blank, and almost two in the morning, its time for bed.
*Edit
Now that I am awake and fully functioning again, I realized I forgot to mention a big worry. I am worried that I won't be the type of girlfriend that he's looking for. I am an extremely flirtatious person by nature. I like to be close with friends, and am very affectionate. I am afraid that he won't like this. I am certain being loyal won't be an issue, but at the same time I like dancing with different friends when I've been drinking (male and female, whoever wants to), I kiss friends on the cheek, I love long hugs...I am a physically affectionate type of person (again, minds out of the gutter.) Some people can't handle that. Its part of the reason that Jewel and I stopped dating. She wasn't okay with it, it seemed wrong to her that I did those things. What if he feels the same way? I don't want to hurt his feelings, or make him jealous, or anything of the sort.
Worst part about all of this? I feel like I can't tell any of it to him at risk of hurting his feelings, which is something I couldn't do right now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment