mess

I'm pretty torn apart right now.
I talked to matt last night, and we're no longer dating. (if you can call it dating in the first place?)
anyways, the fact that we're no longer dating doesn't bother me.
what's bothering me is I realized the real reason why I can't date him.
I've just got so much shit I'm having to deal with and worry about I can't possibly build trust with anyone at the moment.

I don't think I've ever felt so lonely in my life.

I just want to go home and crawl into bed and not come back out.

school is extremely overwhelming right now. I have a midterm tomorrow that I already know I am going to fail. don't blame that statement on pessimism, literally, I am going to fail it. I have no clue what I am doing. I have tried to pay attention in class, attempted to read the book, it just isn't making sense. I think I need to talk to my counselor and see if it is a good idea if I withdraw from it for the semester. but that feels like cheating...I've already come so far I don't want to throw it all away, but I really don't have much to show for it.

I feel like getting fucked up beyond all recognition. just so far gone I wouldn't care what happened.
But I know better than that.
I think.