thunder rolls

It's storming here in Merced.

The weather seems to match everyone's mood.

Everyone's got different shit they have to deal with, but it seems that we're generally all feeling the same way. Which sucks, because no one is here to pull us out of our collective misery. But at least everyone's being a little more sensitive, since they're not doing their best either.

I shouldn't be feeling down. I should be feeling fantastic. I've got free time, good friends close by, and an entire summer ahead of me. Instead, I'm still making myself crazy over this boyfriend of mine. I think what's really bothering me is that I am admitting to myself that he wants different things from the relationship than me. I want something serious, someone who wants to be a part of my life. Not someone who flits in and out at their convenience. (not that there's anything wrong with that. that's how things were before, and it was okay then. but now I need something else.) The only issue is, he's made it more than clear to me that he doesn't want anything crazy serious right now. Which is fine and dandy, but when he uses that as reasoning for only talking to me once a week, it's a little disheartening. I don't know what's going on in his world, but shit, it's sure throwing rainclouds into mine that just won't go away.

In attempts to keep with my new years resolution, I'm going to be honest. Part of me wonders if it isn't the fact that I really like Taj, but that I really like the idea that he wants the same things I do, that is making me so crazy over not hearing from him. That I don't like him as much as I think I do, but that I am in love with the idea of someone liking me, or being in love with with me, and I'm trying to make him play the part. This really scares me. If I can trick myself into believing this, what else am I lying to myself about?

What really has me thinking this might be the case is that I know Taj wants totally different things in life. He wants a small house in a big city with a fast car and no strings attached. Doesn't want to get married until late 20s, kids in mid 30s, blahblahblah. He likes different things than me. His friend group consists of the kids that I didn't get along with very well in high school. He does things I don't approve of, even though he knows I'm not okay with them. Half of what he considers to be a good time shocks the hell out of me. And though I've noticed all of these things (obviously) they haven't really bothered me all that much. So either I've decided that what I want in life doesn't matter in relation to who I'm dating at the moment, or I'm a big fat fibber.

I'm going to go over to Pete's tonight, and probably get drunk. We're going to talk about relationship bullshit, he'll go on about Eleni, I'll vent about Taj, and maybe tomorrow we'll both feel a little better.

Or we'll feel the same. Who knows, these things are hard to predict.